Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wont work

67 replies

Lozcrazy · 10/07/2023 21:00

Long story short. Married for 20 years together for 22. 2 DC 8 and 6. Husband was diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to accept this or take medication although has been stable for over 10 years. Husband has never held down a reliable job except for a period of 4 years where he worked full time and well after I got pregnant. Husband was made redundant when my 2nd DC was 1 and decided that he would become a SAHD. We do not have any family where I live so although I was sad not to have the choice I only worked PT at that time and the childcare issue made sense. Fast forward and kids are now both in school FT. Have asked husband repeatedly to get a job so that we can increase our income for the past 18 months. My husband states that there is no point for him to get a job as we wont be better off after losing housing benefit/tax credits etc. Also states he does apply but there are no jobs etc etc.However I feel so resentful to him for his lack of effort and as though I have spent the past 20 years supporting him financially. Before I met him I gave up an opportunity to study at university as we had to move abroad at the time. Iv always worked dead end or low prospect jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. I have no savings. I am considering getting a full time job and squirriling some money away on the side to be able to afford a new place. My husband says that I'm ungrateful and that I should be happy with what we have. We do have a nice (rented) house and I am very appreciative that the benefits I receive cover our living costs beyond what I earn however iv never been happy being on benefits and dont want to teach my children that its normal not to work hard. I know we probably wouldnt earn much more but i cant understand why he thinks its normal to just sit at home all day. I've tried to set up my own business this year to try and create a future for me and my children however it's very difficult and I have no support from him. I feel very trapped and as though i have no way out. Aibu and ungrateful? Should I just accept that this is all I can hope for? I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own😔

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/07/2023 22:07

So you’ve been working part time and he hasn’t been working at all for the past few years? How have you been able to get benefits? Why haven’t you got a full time job with dad at home? You both should be working.

Original poster
Lozcrazy · 10/07/2023 22:07

Idratherbepaddleboarding - yes it is very off putting to say the least. Our marriage hasn't been in a good place for a long time as yes it's hard to respect someone when u dont feel any effort is reciprocated. He is a good person deep down but iv just come to be so resentful after so many years of trying 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozcrazy · 10/07/2023 22:03

Ptsdbarbiegirl thanku, I'm sorry to hear about your mental health issues in the past but your story is very inspiring. I know that my husband is in denial regarding his diagnosis but I think he has shown that he is able to function well without medication and yes I do feel myself and my children cant be held accountable for his choice not to take it.

Dustylee123 yes we are both on the agreement. All of our finances are joint atm. I do have my own account that I could put money into but as our income is so small he would be aware of this. I also don't know how much of my benefits I would lose even if I did work full time I.e I may just have the same amount of money as now and therefore wouldnt have enough to save any as we currently just make ends meet

OP posts:
Idratherbepaddleboarding · 10/07/2023 22:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn at author's request

DustyLee123 · 10/07/2023 21:53

Are both your names on the rental agreement ?
Do you have your own bank account ?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/07/2023 21:52

You mentioned his bipolar and say he is stable but the behaviour and attitude doesn't seem like he is stable. Not being able to maintain job security is common with unmanaged bipolar disorder. Saying you are ungrateful is not acceptable when he isn't prepared to contribute labour for his family. Also he should be engaging with MH services for his bipolar, medication is life changing and learning how to self manage your symptoms is a powerful tool. If he's not prepared to do that for you, your DC then I'd leave him and move into another rental. Contact your housing associations and see if you can get on a list. My bipolar was unmanaged for a long time and looking back I'm lucky to be alive so I know how irresponsible it is to refuse to engage. Also know how hellish it is to live with someone who is bipolar and not accepting the impact and reality.

Original poster
Lozcrazy · 10/07/2023 21:50

Thanku all for your replies. To clarify regarding his bipolar, he has been stable for over 10 years and not had an episode during that time. His bipolar does not affect him on a daily basis. Ie he is fully functioning in everyday tasks..it can make him feel over stressed in certain situations eg when starting a new job but he has overcome this in the past. I have also been very understanding of his illness for the past 20 years and never put pressure on him. Eg I have suggested he work part time /look for low stress work. I have even said that I would be happy for him to be a SAHD. However he also puts very little effort into that. He enjoys cooking so does cook everyday however he doesnt do any laundry or cleaning except wiping the kitchen /dishes after cooking. He does sort the car out and do the grocery shop but other than that I do most things. If I ask him to help eg diy/ gardening he says no. He says he 'doesnt believe 'in decorating or gardening and neither should I.
He refuses to claim jsa or any medical help as he refuses to accept his diagnosis although most doctors would still deem him fit to work so would probably not sign him off anyway.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2023 21:50

If you stay with him he will just suck you dry and make you miserable, it will be the same in 10, 20, 30yrs or even worse.
Can you imagine financially supporting him all your life into your retirement, having to live less of a life?
He may have MH issues but if he isn't going to help himself why should you have to make yourself unhappy because of his choice?

BeverlyHa · 10/07/2023 21:42

not the man any true woman will ever want. this is not against you and i know that the term true woman has been hurled around these days like a menstrual rag. Cuddos for my post tonight.

towriteyoumustlive · 10/07/2023 21:42

Could he not get a term time job in a school?

If he isn't working at all I assume he is doing all the meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, housework etc... given he gets 6 hours a day to himself whilst the kids are at school?

Dillydollydingdong · 10/07/2023 21:40

He's probably depressed. I wouldn't be able to cope with it though. Can you live like this for the next £30 years?

PissOffJeffrey · 10/07/2023 21:39

So, how does his diagnosis affect his ability to get a job? Would having a permanent job adversely affect his health?

If no then he needs to be looking for something.

Bromptotoo · 10/07/2023 21:37

Do the DWP accept he cannot work, for example is he on ESA or PIP?

Bromptotoo · 10/07/2023 21:36

You say he has Bipolar.

That's kind of relevant I think..

Wimbo · 10/07/2023 21:35

Sympathies OP, I can imagine how frustrated and resentful you must feel. Unless his bipolar in some way means he is unable to work, the benefit system was not designed for people who just don’t fancy working and it’s also a very short-sighted way of looking at things. Experience, possible pay increase, promotion, pension maybe, sense of achievement and contribution etc. all come from working, as does your children observing parental behaviours.

Dacadactyl · 10/07/2023 21:34

It's a hard one. If he's doing all the kids stuff, housework etc then maybe he has a point, but now they're in school I think he should be getting a part time job.

I personally wouldn't financially support a man long term if I thought he was just being lazy. It would kill any ounce of attraction I had for him.

DustyLee123 · 10/07/2023 21:31

So is he doing all the housework, gardening and shopping while the kids are at school, plus cooking half the evening meals ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread