Husband wont work

agreed. situations like this one could potentially break the system and everyone could end up losing free healthcare. then the people who relied on the system the most would be the hardest hit because others would be able to afford private healthcare

Yeah this.

What's the point of him?

If he was a decent man he would be ensuring that he is enriching your life and supporting you as much as you are supporting him.

Now is a great time to split up. Once you are separated you can work more and build up your savings.

OP has explained this already. She hasn't been able to trust the DP to not negatively impact the DC if he cares full time. Now they are both in school OP is increasing her hours.

So the sum total of what he contributes to your life is cooking? You could replace him with Hello Fresh or Gousto or whatever!

He's a drain on you. Do you want this to be how the rest of your life is?

You've been together since your teens and now you're approaching 40 - I think sometimes with those kind of relationships there's an absolute complacency that sets in and one partner thinks you're so fused you'd never break up and they can basically sit back and do nothing to maintain the relationship or contribute to your shared life. Wake up call incoming...

You have yourself a Cocklodger. Why would he work when he gets to live the life of riley at your expense?!

You are definitely better off without him. Don’t save any money now, he will be entitled to it in a divorce. Wait until you are free of him to boost your earnings.

At your age you have all the time in the world to create a lovely new life without him in it.

This. Life is too short.

It's a bit odd that he's not medicating and hasn't had any sort of episode in over 10 years. If I was him, I'd also be sceptical of the diagnosis. It's not unheard of, it just makes me ponder what exactly happened to lead to a Bipolar diagnosis in the first place.

My ex has BPD and she’s a surgeon, one of my friends also has BPD and she works full time in a hospital. You absolutely can work with BPD, he is refusing to get treatment and OP said other than getting a bit stressed he does
not struggle with day to day life and there is nothing preventing him from
working, he is just lazy.

*put up with it.

Should check the autocorrect before posting!

A lot of people with bipolar hold down full time jobs. This isn't about bipolar, this is about being married to a lazy slob.

Why on earth have you put puberty it gif do long?

I agree with PPs that even when stable, it's not necessarily possible for some with bipolar to work. The issue in this case is more that he is not engaging with possible treatment or therapy. Only once he's started engaging would it be clear whether he could work or not.

Leave him. I don’t know how you are coping with you only working part time in a low paid job and him refusing to work at all. He appears to be content with this, but clearly you are not. No way would I be entertaining someone who is too lazy to support his own family - what is attractive about that?

Leave him, get yourself a full time job. You’ll surely still be entitled to various benefits as a single mum who rents and has young children. Also consider retraining - healthcare etc.

You are only 40. Do you want to continue to live like this for the next 40 years op, or do you want to break free? Set yourself up with a 50/50 child care agreement and start to make your own future.

Ditto, why only half? Surely the sahp covers everything household?

I couldn't be with a man who has no respect for either me or himself.
Which by the sounds of it, that's what he's lacking, because if he did have any respect for you, he would not only be working but he would be pulling his weight in the home too.
Sorry op, but I would be showing him the door for that reason alone.

I think you're both taking the piss. You should be in a full time job.

Why half the evening meals if she works?

My story for you, sorry it’s a bit long.

I have bipolar as does my sister, mine was a late diagnosis so I had worked for 30 years. Hers is at the very severe end of the scale and mine is also towards that end. She managed to work on and off till she retired. I had a cataclysmic MH event and have not worked since. Five years of intense MH intervention prevailed. I actually had a very good jobs as did my sister.

We both fully engaged with services. She has been sectioned multiple times and I have been an in patient just to give an indication of the severity. I also have OCD and CPTSD and anxiety and depression.

I know my triggers. I am also off medication with the agreement of my psychiatrist, I also have a heart condition and lithium ain’t great for the heart.

I do almost all the housework, I do get very tired due to the effort of managing my condition. I cook a really decent meal every day and do almost all the food shopping, we don’t have small children at home anymore. I now manage after a complete break some voluntary work which has given me a new lease of life. It’s for a MH charity so they are very understanding if I am not having a great day.

I didn’t want to engage, I spent a year as some sort of creature living in a twilight world, my Mrs Rochester time, I was literally like an animal and had MH services and social services to my house for about 18 months. Then the intense treatment began. DH made me go, it was a group programme for 2 years that really helped me. It was NHS treatment.

I would say the only thing he shouldn’t do is look after the children alone for long periods. Children are unpredictable and that will set off stress but all the housework, laundry, food shopping is predictable if you have a plan. He will have days where he can’t do a thing, I do still have those days.

Today I am collecting shoes from the cobblers, cooking dinner, sorting out laundry. I will sit down between each task and watch tv or look at MN or play a game on my I pad to lower stress levels in between. DH has a very well paid job and I can draw my pension now which is actually quite decent and we don’t have money worries which is very helpful.

At what age was he diagnosed? Did he do much before?

So in summary:

• he flatly refuses to get paid work
• he doesn't manage the house or do the housework
• he can't be left for long periods with the children due to impact (on both probably)
• he refuses to engage with medical help for his own condition
• he refuses to engage with the systems which may provide him with disability support if he is unable to work fully

He isn't a SAHD. He isn't a partner at the moment and he has no need or intention of changing his status quo.

Its hard enough supporting someone through a mental health problem even with good quality mental health care and someone trying to engage with the help - its impossible in your situation with someone who won't engage (for whatever reason).

You have put up with this for 20 years, do you and the DC plan to continue like this for the next 30? This is the decision you have to make.

Hi OP, my brother has bipolar and has never properly worked. He hasn’t had severe episodes in a while but like your DH he struggles with stress and anxiety that make it impossible for him to hold down a “normal” job without severely compromising his condition (although he has other stuff aside from bipolar). My brother’s OH is the main breadwinner and my parents still heavily support him financially.

I don’t know your DH so can’t comment, but for my DB, I know the common reaction is to think he’s a coddled lazy shite (certainly my DH thinks this but would never say it out loud). However having grown up with him and knowing his struggles I know he has a real disability and cannot tackle life the same way I can. He is lucky that his OH understands this and is willing to carry the slack and that my parents are able and willing to support him as well. He does not take benefits.

Again, I don’t know your DH but if he’s as bad as my brother then he may never be in a place to get a job. And it’s ok not to be ok with that. I would never put up with being a relationship with someone like my DB, although I love him dearly as a DS it’s not something I could stand. His OH is ok with it.

I don’t like automatically telling people to leave their partners when things look challenging, but in this case and having had life long experience of someone with similar struggles, you may not be able to “change” him if this is a mental health issue beyond either of you. And if you can’t accept it (which I certainly couldn’t) then you should consider leaving and trying for the life you truly want.

If you divorce him he’ll have to get a job.

You’re enabling him. There is no incentive in his mind because he had everything he wants. You have more ambition to improve your situation or just achieve things so you’re fundamentally not on the same page at all.

OP can I ask, are you On the tax credits system or have you been moved over to Universal credit yet? I'm not being nosey BTW, there is relevance to my question 😬