Husband wont work

You are still so young op. Plenty young enough to start again without this cocklodger holding you back

Why only half the evening meals?

In fairness, if he's been out of work for a decade it'll be hard to get any kind of a decent job.

He needs pull his weight at home though. No excuses.

I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own

You have always been on your own.

Get rid of this man and start living. Enough is enough.

Lots of women don't work and it all manages to work

I am not one of them

I dealt with this situation for years. When the relationship caved in, there was no gratitude for the fact that I’d put up with all this crap and financial exploitation for years. There was just seething rage that I had suddenly stopped funding him and wasn’t planning to write a cheque to provide maintenance (we were not married). He felt entitled.

Now I don’t earn as much but I get universal credit and have bought my own place.

Watch your back too as in a situation like this sometimes if you were to split, and he was a designated house husband, the kids could end up with him (or so common mumsnet legend says). I suddenly realised he could be in a place with our kids and I would be paying for it.

I would consider dropping him and organising your own pension etc.

Impossible for strangers to know whether your DH is so unwell he can't work, or should be making more of an effort

My husband is similarly not working because of long-term ill-health (not by choice, and he is not on UC) and he does do all of this, except when he is too unwell to.

I think the fact that OP's husband is bipolar is hugely relevant to this. I'm a bit concerned that he is not on meds, but I don't know that much about current drugs for bipolar and it is possible that the side effects may be substantial. We have made the informed choice for my husband to come off meds when the therapeutic effect was less than the decline in quality of life from side effects. But the OP hasn't said if this is a factor.

The biggest thing is here he hasn't accepted bipolar or considered medication which would help him. Denial is the issue
Once I accepted the diagnosis I got better

I have bipolar and work full time it's bloody hard but actually the routine is what helps me so much and I'd be worse not working. I have to make sure I sleep not get too stressed but its manageable and when I've been unwell I've taken time off.
He should work

Maybe it will inspire him and wake him up to the possibilities, or maybe he'll just be belligerent angry because she's doing better and he'll do even less in order to punish her for being better and more ambitious than he is.
In my experience men do not respond well to being outdone by women.

I am full of admiration for you in such difficult circumstances. He probably won't change and maybe can't change, though there is absolutely no excuse for not doing some basic gardening and maintenance. It must be very draining yet here you are holding on to ambition for a better life for yourself and your children, even setting up your own business.
You remind me very much of my own mother. 'I'm determined' was her saying. She had that energy and drive no matter the difficulty and kept battling on. Your children will benefit and learn from you too, now and in years to come. You have a plan and hopes for your new business which can change your lives for the better. Maybe that change would even inspire him too and wake him up to possibilities and responsibilities.

@Pearlsaminga agreed. It's so much easier on your own. Even if you're skint.

But at least it won't be OPs crap situation, she will be better off without him irrespective of how he responds to being cut loose.

He won't he'll just sit somewhere on benefits. My daughter's ex lives on benefits. No maintenance. It's a crap situation

Start thinking about your own future and your own pension, OP. And you will get some benefits yourself if you drop him.

He will be there bleeding you dry for the next 60 years.

If he's in denial about his diagnosis, what is his justification for sitting on his backside?

Just that the world owes him his lifestyle?

I had a partner like this for years. He bled me dry. It transpired he was neglecting the children while he purported to be an SAHD. I’m now a single mum. I work my ass off. He has fallen on his feet and is bleeding someone else dry. I don’t get a penny from him and the DWP says he doesn’t even collect benefits.

I bent over backwards helping him and thought that it would be appreciated. It never has been. I’m regarded by his family (and get some abuse) as a total cow for putting him out.

Some people are entitled and will just take and take. They will blow up in your face when the cash cow stops giving.

Now there is a long term impact on my finances. I am having to work really hard to get round it.

It is financial abuse. He is twisting things to say you are not grateful. My ex used to say I was materialistic.

The benefits to enable you to live the life you have will stop when your youngest child hits 18. A lot of people get caught short by this. And I say this as a single working parent who receives some UC - I want to ensure that I can afford life when my kids get older.

My dad was lazy too. I didn't think anything of it at the time but I look back and think wtf. It doesn't set a good example to your kids. You need to make a plan to leave. You might even be better off financially. I certainly am now I'm not supporting a dead weight.

If he was truly pulling his weight at home then it might be okay, but he just says silly things like I don't believe in gardening or decorating and neither should you.
I will be thinking yes mate and I don't believe in going to work and paying for someone who just wants to sit at home and do nothing all day.

You should probably dump this dead weight
Harsh, but true

I've seen plenty of threads containing the nonsensical claim that someone claiming benefits denies that money to someone else and 'breaks' the Welfare State, but before now I've never seen the claim that it's destroying the NHS.

That's a new high watermark in the 'complete and utter bollocks' stakes.

op, your h needs to realise that sahm/d is a luxury, you should only do it if you can afford to. what he's doing has a negative impact on your dc's future, as you would accumulate way less wealth and wouldn't be able to give your dcs a head start (they might even end up having to look after your h financially when he's old), and he's taking benefit that isn't designed for him, which is draining resources for your dc. they could end up living in society that couldn't afford nhs anymore, without parents who can provide them with financial cushioning, that sounds horrifying

Be careful squirreling savings away, in a divorce that is classed as fraud. I would open savings accounts for the DC and put extra money there. Legally that won’t be your money tough, I would just do that to protect the DC and the savings.

I have every sympathy for people with MH issues, having had some myself.

But no one is under any obligation to stay with someone, let alone financially support someone just because they have MH problems.

MH doesn't mean everyone around you needs to take care of you, or absorb your shitty selfish behaviour indefinitely.

Other people are allowed to pursue their own happiness and wellbeing, even if it adversely impacts someone with MH issues.