nobody's priority

The idea that a counsellor is the same as a partner is 🤣🤣🤣

You are your priority. Take care of yourself because you are everything. No one ever truly puts another adults needs before their own, don't buy into that myth. Plenty of people who have partners feel the same as you.

If you need someone to offload to find a counsellor, organise more fun nights out via a babysitter etc etc.

Of course they are things that we might do. But none of them are a substitute for the everyday interactions you have with someone you live with.

For fun nights out you have to have someone to go with, and as I said in my earlier post that means arranging something when that someone else is free. Yes you can offload to a counsellor, but that again means an appointment. Not something you can mention there and then. And most things that get to you are relatively trivial, not counsellor serious.

It's a lack of that free, easy, ad hoc interpersonal communication that makes you lonely.

Can you start dating? And become someone’s priority.

My observations are many married women also don’t feel they are a priority either.

I think the only permanent and long term solution for any of us is to make ourselves our own priority. If you need someone to offload to find a counsellor, organise more fun nights out via a babysitter etc etc. Take responsibility for your own needs and make your happiness a priority.

“One of the posters on here said that you are your children's priority. In a way that's true, even if it doesn't help you now. Children don't stay children forever, they will grow up and they will see you as very important”.

Not always, my siblings rarely visited my mother. The one sister visited every day right up until her kids went to school full time. Mom was no longer needed as her child minder. Another sister really used to piss me off whenever I tried to organize a family get together as she could never decide if she could come until the last minute. Her priority were her grandkids, she was hanging on until the last minute to see if they needed baby sitting.

X posted with you!

*I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more*

If anyone was wanting an example of toxic positivity, here you go. Thank me later.

Oh gosh. I’m a single parent too, and I’ve never thought of it like that!

I guess I’m no one’s priority either 😁

But I wasn’t when I was married either - exh prioritised himself always, that’s part of the reason we’re divorced. Probably part of the reason the kids aren’t mad keen on going there. Plenty of married people/ people in relationships you know won’t be anyone’s priority either.

I don’t live near family or anything so really am on my own. I do sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to share the load but it’s miles bigger than being in a crap relationship.

All I can advise is to prioritise yourself more! You are important to you. Don’t feel you have to always put your kids or anyone else first - obviously a lot of the time you have to be meeting the kids’ needs, prioritising kids etc, but that doesn’t mean never thinking of yourself.

There are some seriously useless comments on here. If you don't get it, well lucky you.
I'm a lone parent as well and even though I have parents, siblings, friends etc, I'm not top of their lists, understandably. The shit thing was even when I was married I wasn't anyone's priority either, as exH is a selfish bastard. So being single is actually better than being married and still discarded, if you see what I mean.
OP

She isn't though

@Gymnopedie @TRexTara exactly! It's all the small things over time.
People either get it or they don't.
And again, I suppose if you have been in an abusive relationship. Or never had a good one. All these things are freedom to you still rather than having no one around.
Anyway I hope you find your peace OP

The thing that I found hardest as a single mum with no involvement from the two dads was that I didn't have anyone to bounce off at the end of the night. You know, if your child is doing well or not so good, there was no one who loved my children as much as I did or had them as their first priority so no one really to chat to, or offload at the end of a hard day.

Then if the washing machine broke down or I got a leak in the bathroom no one was sharing the crisis with me. I had to do it all by myself. Even silly things like carrying heavy shopping home, because I can't drive, that was all my responsibility. I've ended up with what I call single mum wrists, thick wrists with very hard bones from carrying shopping, moving furniture, decorating etc Maybe I would have had them anyway, I don't know, but I always felt slightly envious of women I knew who could continue to be a delicate little flower because they always had a man to do the heavy stuff for them.

Then when I got sick, I still just had to carry on. No one even to make a cup of tea for me or show some concern. All these little things get to you over time.

What's worked for me is getting better friends over the years. Friends that will send their sons round to mine to help with the practical stuff and don't mind if I have a bit of a rant if I feel shit. I in turn, listen to them.

One of the posters on here said that you are your children's priority. In a way that's true, even if it doesn't help you now. Children don't stay children forever, they will grow up and they will see you as very important.

Other than that, I feel for you. I've been single a really long time and I've had to move on from friends who just don't get it and say the most dismissive and hurtful things to me with no awareness.

OP I know what you mean. DP died suddenly 18 months ago, and I now feel the same.

Yes people will be there for you when you really need it, but it's not the same as the easy going 24/7 company. As a PP has mentioned, you have no-one to tell things to.

And if you really needed someone, but at the same time their OH/DC/parents/probably even the dog also needed them, it wouldn't be you they'd help, even if they regretted that they 'couldn't'.

They may come to you for a night of wine and chatter, but it has to be timetabled. You can't just say 'let's do...' on the spur of the moment, because they have other commitments, ie other priorities.

They're not there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night because they're with their own families.

It's not just the big things that make you lonely, it's the drip, drip, drip of small things.

What a horrible post. Why did you bother taking the time out of your day specifically to be unkind to someone who is clearly having a hard time?

@BigMamaFratelli

@Nurka
You are your kid’s number one priority!!

"Seriously? Do you even have kids?!"

I know, right??!!

I had (had being the operative word) a child free friend going on and on and on about how my DSs would spoil me on Mother's Day and what a spectacular time I would be having.... on repeat for 2 solid weeks, lol.

I actually had to do an "Ahem, you know what day it is today, right?!" to them both and only THEN got the "Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day" and a kiss and a very, very, quick hug.

Seriously? Do you even have kids?!

All the posters saying they prioritise different people at different times REALLY don't get it.

To be honest, I have a husband and two teenage Sons and most of the time I go y feel anything like a priority. I’m last on the list, feel as if I just facilitate everyone else. Don’t imagine that having a husband is the. key

I agree.
I don't think people quite get it unless you've been there.
If you need something ASAP who HAS to drop everything for you, for example.

But like any other thing, you just have to come to terms with it.

Although I think for your parents.. you are still their daughter... You don't stop being their daughter just becayse you're grown up..

YANBU OP, but you are still YOUR own priority. Always look after yourself, you will come to terms with it slowly

What's lead you to thinking about loneliness/lack of day to day support in terms of people's priorities?

At face value it seems an odd thing to think about. At various times through the day/week I prioritise my husband, my daughter, my parents, my sister, or myself above the others because of what they need from me and when.

The way you're thinking about it seems very concrete. Like in a house fire who and in what order would be rescued? Day to day life isn't like that. But it sounds like you just want to be the most important thing in another person's life.

Hi OP
I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much your post resonated with me. I met my DH late in life but for more then 10 years I was nobody’s priority and it was incredibly isolating. Everyone important in my life at the time had partners and children and I remember wanting someone to help me with house hunting but knowing (and understanding) that everyone close to me weekends was packed full of family/ children/ partner priorities and I could really impose on them. I desperately wanted someone beside me when this really big life decisions but I had no one.

@priorityps I hear you- and same here. Single parent, kids now grown up/ at uni, I have no parents still alive, rarely see siblings and their families (am talking twice since the covid lockdowns). I have one friend. It’s very lonely.