That two parents working doesn’t work

It's very hard when they are small. I don't know anyone with both parents working full time after having three children and most were able to have one SAHP until the kids were all in school then the SAHP went to work part time.

I worked part time (though sometimes in pretty full on professional roles nonetheless) three or four days a week after having two DDs and always thought if I had three it would mean my giving up work for a while - so we didn't have a third child as we couldn't afford it. Also we had both parents living with us at one point and my dad became quite ill so I'm glad I was only working three days a week as I could help them out quite a lot.

I went full time only in 2019 when DDs were 14 and 10, and also only on the proviso that I did a maximum of three days in the office as commuting every day would make it unworkable.

He believes that both parents should work and I agree with him. I would’ve never married a man who believe women shouldn’t work after children.

SouthLondonMum22 - I think it's very sad on here when women come in and are at such great pains to equate "having a job" with "being equal to my husband." All this, 'why can't he do it...' does my head in. Fair enough if you want to work - absolutely - but if you have a husband who would make you feel 'lesser' for not working, then good luck and that's not the type of man I'd be interested in.

I was never happier than the day I quit my career and looked forward to taking care of my husband and child. Life is bliss. No lingering doubts here. But you do you ;-)

Could you drop the swimming lessons for a few months? Your days off would be less busy.

Could your DH drop to a 4 day week?

@Citrines there are indeed many ways to equal. Thank you for acknowledging that at last. Can we now stop slating working women as worse mothers and worse employees? I am aware that was OP, not you, but it was offensive and unhelpful.

If you are referring to me my DH is an active parent?
Would you call a working woman who gets home at 7pm - 8pm 5 days a week not at ‘active’ parent? Whatever that even means?
No he was not there during the days and when they were little they were asleep some nights be the time he was at home but he was always there for weekends.
The kids had their mother full time, all the time. Primary carer. Not me and DH at 6pm for 1 hour before bed and nursery / childminder staff during the day.
If that’s how you run your lives then that’s up to you but I don’t have to agree it’s best for the child and that’s my right.

Why would there be any petty drama? We both share responsibility for everything and no, we don’t have certain roles at all.

I’m not sure what world YOU are living in?
In my world, many of the people I know who work don’t come home at 5 or 6pm. They wish! Their job finishes at 6 and then they commute and then sometimes are back on the laptop later in the evening. Many of them are working professionals - are you saying that a woman can only work a basic 9-5 job as they must be home to put the kids to bed? Are you saying that a man must only work 9-5 to be home also? What about their careers? 9-5 doesn’t get you very far in most professional fields I’m afraid!
You think that parents should both be home by 5/6 and I’M the one who is bizzare - ok then 🤣
You are completely deluded.
Back in the real world for many jobs you won’t be getting home until late- after kids bed time. So yes it makes sense for one parent to be at home. Sense for the child that is anyway.
And no, you can’t be a hands on mum to young pre school kids if you have a career full time. Because you are not there!! Someone else is! I’m sorry if that touches a nerve or offends but it’s the plain truth.
Of course there are many parents who want to stay with their kids and can’t and single parents who are struggling.
But Anyone who thinks a mum, looking after her babies (not getting someone else to for half their waking life) is ‘out of touch’ or ‘back to 1954’ needs to take a long hard look at themselves. It’s Quite honestly a sad state of affairs that anyone would even think that.

I'm just saying there are many ways to equal and personally, I couldn't be doing with petty drama about who does what in a marriage. It would if my head in. You are a team. Equality is a state of mind, not a list of housework tasks or a salary competition. You are who you are and couples will naturally gravitate to certain roles anyway.

Some families only have 1-2 children precisely because they know it can become more difficult with 3, 4 or more children and both parents working full time. Equality is important to them and if it means stopping at 1-2 children then that’s what they do.

Life doesn’t fit to a pattern. Yet several SAHM’s seem to think it does and that women belong at home once they have children.

Why does it make you so angry that some people parent equally?

Of course life doesn't always go to plan but that's true of any plan. You can plan to be a SAHM and then find your DH is made redundant and you have to go back to work. So what? Doesn't make your plan a terrible one. I plan to continue to work, something may happen to change that but that doesn't make it a terrible plan either

Fgs, of course I'm not saying she became ill because her mum worked. I'm saying all this ranting about "oooh why didn't the father give up work then eh eh - why did the father not do it - and why can't the mother work full-time in 2023 because I do, look at me with my 1 child and DH - we are so very eeeequal you see because there only one way to be equal and that's to BOTH WORK, come what may, and make sure you are exactly 50/5O with housework and also be such very active parents between the hours of 5 and 8 and, did I mention, make sure you are very equal in every aspect at all times because that's all that matters and is such a great model for all." This kind of nonsense. Because obviously life doesn't fit to a pattern and all families have different struggles, different incomes and different options.

That’s what I’m struggling to understand too.

Of course something out of the ordinary may happen such as illness, mental health issues etc which would mean one of us wouldn’t be able to work.

It wouldn’t necessarily automatically be me though simply because I’m a woman and it also doesn’t mean someone should be a SAHP from the beginning ‘just in case’.

@Citrines any family can be hit by adversity and need a parent at home as a result. That's just life. But unless you can prove a causal link between both parents working and an eating disorder striking a family, your anecdote is meaningless. Not every family has such devastating life events and that is irrespective of whether they have a parent at home or not.

I don’t really understand your posts, are you suggesting occurred because the mother worked?
Are you saying working mothers don’t take time out because their children are ill?
If their child was in hospital I’m sure pretty much all parents would do whatever they could to be with their child through their recovery, working or not working.

I personally took 2 months off work last year when my DD was hospitalised as a young child.

I don’t get the point. We shouldn’t work on the off chance that a child might become sick in the future?

A close relative of ours sailed through the first 12 or so years with her DD and DS. She had a job (probably on about 40k) and the DH WFH earning maybe £300k, do a lot more and that pays the mortgage. Out of the blue, the DD became seriously anorexic. Within about 2 weeks of it being noticed, she was on a drip in hospital being force fed. It was life-threatening. SIL has had to give up work to support her DD's rehabilitation which has been a long road. She didn't go to school hardly for a year. She needed close observation, medical appts, and I can only imagine what they've gone through. These things can take us unexpectedly. You never know. Now the DS is playing up because he's obviously been exposed to a lot and is craving attention. It's very hard and there's no way she could hardly go out to work every day with her daughter at home for months when she's that ill.

But it would not have been any different if I had been a SAHM....

Having a SAHP doesn’t necessarily make it drama free. I had a SAHM growing up, still had some teen dramas and difficulties.

Well it wasn’t fine because you had all the dramas, you manage you coped you got through it. Different from fine.

pointythings - when I look at the class my 15 year-old is in (a class of about 22) there are children with -

eating disorders, body
dysmorphia, ADHD, anxiety, self-harming, depression, OCD, perfectionism, identity issues (gay / bi / non-binary / trans), changing names / pronouns..,, it goes on.

This is an independent school with (mainly) high-powered, very wealthy parents living in Kensington, Chelsea, Notting Hill etc. Nobody is immune to these kind of teen issues and it can be very hard to navigate. I'm not saying every family needs a SAHP, but let's not pretend it's easy. Even when you can throw money at the best nannies, tutors, chauffeurs, schools, therapists, healthcare, opportunities, it can be very hard to navigate when your teen is struggling, let alone multiple teens.

@Citrines And if a parent feels they need to SAH to avoid a family reaching breaking point, or to feel like you are thriving rather than just surviving, so be it.

Sure but not working because it’s the only way you can function isn’t really the same as what you and other posters are trying to ram down people’s throats, which is that it is the best way and the only way.

Many many families do not find working with children or teens an impossible task.

You did and that’s fine for you, but that’s not the same as you banging on about how awful it is for kids when parents work (“what kind of life is that?”) when what it really comes down to is you personally couldn’t work and manage your children at the same time.

@Citrines you can't generalise like that. I had 3 teens (I chose to foster one) and no husband. Always one of them on an exam year at least. Dramas, relationships, the whole bag, not to mention the fostering situation with a hostile dysfunctional bio parent. And it was fine. We had a calm, happy, functional household. And I was bloody great at my job too. Some people can do it and do it every day. One way isn't better than another, it's about what works in each individual situation.

Outsource and lower expectations.

You 3 are very young. These years will pass.

Could you get an au pair?

When we went 2-3 we conceded that we would t be able to do as much for dc 1&2 eg swimming lessons. 4yo & 1yo do not need lessons!

1 activity pwk per child.

We eat out more with 3dcs. It's so much easier than the chaos of home meals!

No ironing. Everyone with different coloured socks.

A 5 person house is always going to be messy/cluttered.

Where did I say I'm not happy about my 4 kids? They're the best thing in my life.

Im just saying, life is more complex than ever for teens these days. It really is a minefield. And if a parent feels they need to SAH to avoid a family reaching breaking point, or to feel like you are thriving rather than just surviving, so be it.