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AIBU?

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Original poster

That two parents working doesn’t work

759 replies

Itsmyshadow · 09/07/2023 20:08

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 09/07/2023 20:19

You have to find compromises. You aren't going to always be on top of the laundry. You may not be able to do every extra-curricular activity and so on. Do not expect or strive for perfection.

Issania87 · 09/07/2023 20:19

I have no advice, just came here to say you are not alone in this!

Diddykong · 09/07/2023 20:18

I work 50 hours a week around DC (5/6-8, 9-3, 7-11) and dh is full time but the only way we've managed it is for me to do all the pick ups and clubs and then work late into the evening. Dh compresses his hours and does a day off to do clubs with my pre-schooler. Saturdays I spend 4-5 hours cleaning..I try to think of it as a gym work out and I listen to podcasts to get some headspace away from DC. We run the robot vac daily. It is exhausting though!

Greenfree · 09/07/2023 20:18

Batch cooking meals always helped me, I'd get trays from home bargains that I could divide potions into.

Having a storage system (even if two nice looking boxes were filled with party bag crap they were still out of my way)

I use to sort clothes out 1 a month and get rid of anything that was damaged or didn't fit. If you want to save some then vacuum pack them.

Give the kids a system they can follow to out toys away, blue box for building stuff, red box for dolls and figures etc

Get the cleaner in more if an option

user64829576 · 09/07/2023 20:17

Was a SAHM for years and went back to work full time when youngest was 3.

My job is largely remote working and v flexible, same as DH (remote and flexible). No idea how other households make it work though.

StormShadow · 09/07/2023 20:16

I can see why you're finding three kids with a wide age spread and working 9 days out of 10 between you to be very tough, honestly.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2023 20:15

He could pull his weight more? That’s the issue. If you’re working 4 days and then doing swimming lessons etc on day off then he needs to step up and do his share. And no you don’t have to take on all the mental load. He’s a parent too!!

FloofCloud · 09/07/2023 20:14

Worked 3 Days a week when DD was 1, want to full time when she was 2.5, then DS came along when DD was 3.5.
TBH it's not easy, but we've had cleaners come every 2 weeks to clean the essentials. We're both professionals so need to work, and have a lot of outgoings too so need to be full time
Having ND children has made it more
Difficult but we're lucky that DH WFH and I am WFH2-3 days a week so we
Can juggle, plus have flex at work.
If we worked in a city bank
Or law firm it wouldn't work! Luckily we're in less inflexible jobs ... would hate that type of job, need much work life balance mix to be honest

lousong · 09/07/2023 20:13

Life can get so busy I fully empathise with you

To be totally honest I think if you have 3 very young children it doesn’t make practical sense to work, really, and would suggest that might be why you are feeling stressed vs if you only had one child you would be able to balance it with work better and not feel so spread thin. Not that you would swap your situation, but I guess it’s just a choice isn’t it. Could you reduce your hours anymore?