That two parents working doesn’t work

My DH works shifts. On days he's not in the house at all somehow everything just gets done. It's the trying to juggle between two people that causes issues I think (tho obvs it should be shared). I have no answers.

I found the years with one at school and one at nursery the toughest. Combining the logistics of the two was really tough.

Mine are older now, and despite the fact they are busier it's a lot easier.

A couple of things that worked for us:

Don't accept all the mental load. Just don't. We split up tasks really clearly. Swimming is mine, football is his. I do doctors, he does opticians and haircuts. He does chess and drama clubs, I do French and music lessons. You get the gist.

Both do a compressed week or go 4 days if there is any possible way to do it.

Same deal with chores as with the mental load. He does all the kids' laundry, I do the groceries and packed lunches. One person cooks, the other washes up.

Put the kids to work. 8 and 4 can put their own clothes away, for example.

When we had more office-based roles, the kids didn't get to do as many activities. That's the reality of it. My kids still don't get to do all the activities they'd like to do because it's not practical and their well-being is important, but so is ours. Does your eldest need to do so many clubs?

Feel similar. I work 4 days but I'm self employed so finish at 3.30 for school. We only have 2 kids; had at recent pregnancy scare and just wept at the idea or managing anymore.

Can't afford any extra help, private school, au pairs or anything else mentioned on this thread except a cleaner.

You're not alone. I'm just lowering my standards a bit, and reducing hours on the weeks I can be because I have that flex (tho obvs just means I earn less that month)

I don’t know how both parents working manage I would not be able to do it so hats off to you

I’m a sahm and it’s full time and hectic to keep on top of it all and I know I couldn’t work as well I worked before dc and couldn’t manage then and it was just me. I have autism so can’t work I think if I did I’d be so stressed and overwhelmed it would affect my parenting very negatively

We have two kids and both work FT 5 days a week. We have a nanny/housekeeper 3 days a week. We both just about keep on top with her help.

Ease up on the after school stuff, and either private school (as suggested) or get a nanny? Or au pair?

Or show your OH this thread.

This is one of those situations where there is no wriggle room for anyone getting sick, I'll it anything happening.

I could have written this word for word!

It does get easier as they get older, but it is a slog. I still recall some sage advice that I received from a director level female manager whom I respect and admire - she has a high stress job, husband and 3 kids - lower your expectations. Tidy will do, fed will do. Life isn't picture perfect and not everyone can 'have it all'. Your best is all you can do.

It’s really hard. I think that in the UK the priorities are pretty messed up and we’re expected to prioritise work over family. I’m from the UK but have lived in Germany for many years where working PT is much more the norm (esp. in the south). I think it’s quite sad in the UK that most families have to put their kids in pre- and post-school clubs so they can do the expected work hours.

It sound like you’re already very hardworking and committed, so rather than working harder you need to work smarter. What things are you doing that you really don’t need to be? E.g. Since getting a drier I don’t really iron anything anymore. Can you do a car share to sports clubs? Start saying no to things - you don’t have to help every time school/nursery wants you to make a cake or help with a trip etc. As for meal planning you can churn out the same tried and tested recipes each week / every two weeks which makes shopping and cooking easier.

Not sure if that helps, I’ll be following with interest as I have 3 DC (8, 6, 4) and feel pretty much the same!

Controversial and definitely not a LTB but my life was a million times easier working FT as a single mum than in a relationship. Somehow just getting on with things and knowing it's down to you makes things easier.

My best friend is a GP, married to a GP, they have 3 kids. Both work at least 45 hours a week. They make it work by using a cleaner once a fortnight, holiday camps during summer holidays and afterschool activities, and dividing all the childcare and chores (including mental load) exactly in half. I’ve seen their household charts - they have one for the housework and another for childcare. Lol they each ‘earn gold stars’ which they can cash in at the end of the month for a childfree day!!

I love their system but we have it pretty chilled at ours with 2.

I never planned to be a SAHM but after having DC3, I returned to work (part time) and handed my notice in after 12 weeks as it was so stressful (we had 3 under 5 years old at this time). I also felt I was failing at everything. I didn't enjoy not working but believe it was the best thing for the family at the time. I now work full time and have done for a number of years (DC3 is 10).

Pay a gardener so dad can do more loot bags etc

Also - you have three kids and two adults. Both adults are capable enough of dealing with their own shit so anything you are doing to enable your husband - stop.

if he is not sorting his own clothes washing, ironing, putting away then stop doing it for him.

You ve got three kids
2 very young
Get more help au pair or drop an activity

You will need the $$ asthey grow so dont give up work
You Do the diy and garden and let dad do hiusework
Gardening is. ABreak !

I also agree, your DH needs to drop a day.

No suggestions here but just saying I feel the same. I'm a solicitor and DH is in a similar professional role, we only have 2 DC, both under 5 and I feel completely lost.

After working, getting some kind of vaguely healthy food into the kids, getting them down for bed and cleaning we don't have the energy for anything apart from slumping on the sofa eating chocolate and grunting at each other. The house is STILL never tidy, I am STILL never on top of work and I STILL feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with either the kids or DH.

My eldest DC is struggling a bit socially and nursery have started making noises about ASD, and I feel so bad for not being able to give him all of my time and attention and try to make things easier for him.

I was so happy on mat leave just in my little bubble of babies and domestic stuff. I would love to cut down my hours or even do something completely different with less or at least more predictable hours. However with the cost of living and the fixed rate on our mortgage ending next year it doesn't feel at all responsible to think about that. I just don't know the answer.

It is not the out of home work that is the problem, it’s the housework. Seems to be falling on the shoulders of one person. Your husband needs to pull his weight.

This was one of the main reasons why I chose private education for mine. They get all the sporting stuff done during the day you don’t feel like you have to do it after school.

I really pushed up my career in order to fund it, and it was worth it

Did someone tell you 3 kids and FT working was going to be easy?

You both need to take a critical look at things and drop anything that is not needed. 4 and 1 year olds do not "need" swimming lessons, mine didn't learn until 8. Be choosy with the afterschool activities. That is the compromise when parents have more commitments that they can cope with. Declutter the whole house, less crap means less mess - just get a skip and have a mass clear out, be brutal.

Get you 8 year old cleaning up behind them and helping out. I did when I was 8.

Do not give up work. You need to keep your career going - it won't be long before you might be thinking about how you will afford to pay for 3 kids through uni!

Ive got one under 5 & one in infants. We both work in senior london based finance roles. I spread 30h over 5 days, DH is full time.

I am v efficient about cooking - have 4 large pots and about once a month i make 4 meals at once, about 12 portions of each & freeze.

Kids eat at childcare a couple of times a week, we have a cleaner. We split chores and life admin.

We pick activities that are manageable - as close as possible to home etc, weekend mornings rather than after school. We can't do loads of play dates.

Its hard. I don't get much time for myself and am usually too tired to exercise much although as both are getting older its getting easier. We both enjoy our jobs and are very well paid and we appreciate the security the money brings us as a family.

I find it hard with one child, three will obviously be much harder. Unfortunately I have absolutely no desire to be a SAHM so we'll just have to keep plodding on in a very messy house!

It will get easier as they get older

I mean two parents working absolutely can work, but you have 3 children... did you not expect it to be difficult?

I think the best arrangement for a young family is when both parents are able to work a 4 day week. It’s not fair that the expectation is that women will take the career hit, and the associated long term pay and pension downgrade.

That said, you don’t have to work if you don’t want to and it’s not working for you. I think it depends a bit about the type of work you do, your longer term career prospects and how much you care about those.

When my DC1 was small I did 3 days, when DC2 was small I ended up with a 2 full days and 3 half days, and from about DC2 starting school I’ve done full time hours.