That two parents working doesn’t work

I think the logistics of three children with quite a large age range is the particular challenge as, at the moment, they are all at very different stages. What childcare do you have? If nursery, would it make sense to get a nanny? That way, swimming lessons could take place on a nanny day and the nanny could also do some of the taxiing around.
Otherwise, it's all about compromise. Does your eldest need to do all of the sport he does? Does the baby need swimming lessons?
Also, where do you live? We're in a village and we have a lot of lift shares going on as all of the activities are in the local town a couple of miles away. One person doesn't actually do any lifts at the moment as she's just had a baby but I'm quite happy with this as it means I can pay her back for a few years ago when she ferried my eldest to an activity I just couldn't get her to due to work.

We just had the 2 and only 2 activities after school. I also had/ have work to do in evenings and at least 1 day at the weekends. We survived by getting the kids to muck in as soon as they were able to, but it has still felt like we've been flying by the seat of our pants for the last 14 years.

Ours are 7 and 9 and I outsource as much as I can. Cleaner, dog walker, laundry and ironing lady, gardener, cars valeted once a month etc.
Plus my lovely mum pops in every day for an hour and empties bins, puts washing away, gives the sinks and toilets a wipe over.
I work 6am-3pm and husband 9.30-5.30 so he does drop offs and I do pick ups.
I'm still constantly knackered tho and feel awful that I'm not around more for them.
I've missed both sports days this year and haven't volunteered for a school trip the whole time they've been in school.

I only have two but trying the whole 'empathy' thing - juggling two was a whole lot tougher than juggling one, particularly at very different stages. Juggling three, I can imagine to be a whole lot tougher again. Plus coming back from mat leave can be a total headfuck (my return from my second was much tougher than my return from my first, partly because of work stuff, partly because two kids is inherently more challenging, and partly because you get less leeway with your subsequent returns to work because everyone things you've got it handled) and OP isn't long back at work.

Im sure she found your comment super helpful though.

Sorry OP but I agree with this. 4 and 1 year olds do not have to have swimming lessons and in your OP you admit that you spend most of your Friday with them doing the lessons. They'd probably be just as happy pootling about at home with a trip to the park mid morning and then you'd get a load more done. You could probably cut right back on your 8yo's activities, too.

I sympathise hugely as I ended up giving up my career to be a SAHM as I felt like I was going mad trying to cope with everything. But I will always regret giving up that career. It's worth trying some adjustments/tweaks to your family week to see if they help. Don't be tempted to give up work unless it's an absolute last resort.

This. The swimming lessons can be done much more efficiently- you're wasting valuable time by making it a day out.

You must have known it was hard when you only had two children?

I think with 3+ kids a nanny is more efficient, they can look after the younger kids and do drop off/pick up of the older ones sort their dinner, plus take to after school activities as necessary. At least that's what the wealthy families do! A family I know had sort of nanny/slash housekeeper when the children were older (so not in need of qualified childcare), who'd take care of laundry/general daily tidying, and do some meals for the family. Or some had a lot of support from grandparents (live in support some time). If you don't have that support, either from family or paid employees, it's really really hard. Breakfast/after-school clubs, a weekly cleaner etc, isn't really enough help to have a chilled life and 3+ kids!

What stands out to me is you're doing an afternoon school run, in briefly, then put again to an activity multiple times a week, and your day at home is spent largely on swimming lessons.

Do children of that age really need to be doing so many clubs?

I have no idea. From observing people who live like this I can only say that everybody in the house suffers due to it, the parents, the kids, everyone. Much much easier if for the first 3 years one of you is able to sacrifice work to stay home. We made sooo many sacrifices so I could do that. No professional haircuts or beauty treatments, cheap clothes, caravan holidays only, no new furniture or renovations of any sort.
it was worth it to be 100% dedicated to my children and all the memories we made in that time. I went back to work when they each got their 15 hours free nursery. Also it meant my husband could fully concentrate on his career and as a result his business now turns over triple what it would have done if he’d had to be back for school clubs, cooking the dinner etc. he was able to focus on making money for us 100%. It worked for us.

I think it's the three children and still very young that are making it such a killer. Most couples I know where both parents work stop at two, and the families with more than two tend to have one parent at home in the early years. You're probably in the most difficult stage right now.

I had two children and returned to work two days a week initially. I'm not sure I could have managed with 3 children and 4 days. Can you drop a day and rethink your weekly schedule for clubs?

Honestlu, I don't think I need it does work but people make it work. Traditional set up - mum 100% house, dad 100% work...currently set up (best case scenario) mum 150% (work plus half family stuff), dad 150% (work plus half family stuff)....worse case scenario mum 200% (family plus family stuff) with dad 100% (work). Does it add up, no, it doesn't, thats why people massively struggle unless they essentially outsource all this stuff.

We have both always worked full time.

We had nannies, cleaners, au pairs, dog walkers, music lessons at home etc to make it all workable. It cost a fortune but to us it was worth it as we wanted to be able to keep working.

It’s only really the primary year that are hard - before that nursery can be full time and from secondary there is no drop off and pick up.

It’s a grinding, expensive but relatively short period to get thorough. Hang in there.

Ditch the swimming lessons and get a good chunk of the cleaning, tidying and cooking done on your day off. Use the tv babysitter if you need to. Then swim at the weekend as a family. Be picky about your oldests activities, no point running yourself into the ground.

Total sympathy from me, DP works full time in a physically demanding job and I work 3 long days a week, off the rest. DC11 and DC2 and pets - I find it all a struggle too, despite 4 days ‘not working’! I do the lion’s share of housework, washing, shopping, cooking etc. and all the life admin and I feel it’s non stop to keep things in a reasonably clean and orderly manner. When I’m spending a day “off” cleaning, my toddler is like a hurricane messing it all up again! Running DC1 to/from clubs and social events around trying to fit in meal times aswell - my day doesn’t finish til 9ish and then I’m ready for bed! Life just seems so busy. I haven’t got any answers I’m afraid, except sometimes lower my own expectations and standards - house is is generally in an ok state, family fed and happy and kids won’t be kids forever x

Oh and my other thing: when my eldest started school I was really reticent to ask people for help, particularly because I didn't know them that well because I was rarely at the school gate.

It can make a difference if you find ways to share lifts/offer an hour of child watching so you've got a favour you can bank layer, etc etc. DS2's early primary has been so much easier with a stronger network I can call to go 'hey, I've got a late meeting, can you pick up for me?' Or similar.

@Itsmyshadow
Basically military time management methods

*limited even.

Something has to give. You could look at dropping a day , your partner could drop a day or compress hours, you could get paid help so a nanny or look at getting a cleaner in more often or outsource laundry. I have 3 kids, work 2 days a week, my dh has compressed his hours so we don't need childcare and I find it manageable. If I worked anymore days I'd have to get a cleaner once a week. I have limieted my kids doing 2 activiyies each a week, plus swimming and arabic lessons. Maybe take a lokn at all the classes your son is doing and cut back.You're being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

If only it were that easy! Not all jobs have the ability to do that!

Mine are older now but we had 3 under 5 for a while with no family support. It was hard but DH and I both worked 4 days a week which helped. It meant 4 days a week we could cope and the other 3 we survived but it was doable. Accept you may drop some balls but all that matters is 'everyone fed, nobody dead'.

For me the first thing that stands out is that your eldest is doing activities that don't really work with work hours. It's hard but I think you need to stick to activities that are on your day off or the weekend, or are straight after school and on the premises so you can have a later pickup.

Secondly, is your DH WFH or cutting hours an option? He might find WFH easier than you do andgets less distracted by the housework. Or could either of you geta more local job, when DH no longer had a 1h each way commute it made a massive difference even though he worked longer hours he was still at home more.

Thirdly, it really does get easier as they get older. The kids become more independent and you get more sleep and so can cope better. Although with teenagers now I still have baby clothes in the attic that need sorting out, we bought a bigger house so that isn't such an urgent issue!

Can you move swimming lessons to the weekend and make it DHs thing to do with the older ones?

Batch cooking, a cleaner, and sharing the parenting and housework equally was how we got through it.