That two parents working doesn’t work

Are you sure that nursery for 2 is cheaper than a nanny and are you also factoring whatever breakfast club or after school care you have for your eldest into the equation?

Where we live in London a nanny costs the same as 2 x 4 day nursery places. You wouldn’t have to stop sending your kids to nursery as you could still send them but only for the free hours. The free hours kick in at the point where they start to benefit most socially and developmentally; before that they aren’t missing out provided the nanny is good and can take them to groups etc.

A nanny could also help with the club commutes for your other child. If you didn’t want to get a nanny full time you could get someone to do eg half days 2-3 days a week just to help out with the after school window either by looking after the younger 2 to enable you to facilitate the clubs for your eldest, or to take the eldest to the clubs. It sounds like you just need an extra pair of hands in limited time windows. Yes it is expensive but you’ve said uothread that you’re not struggling for money - it’s a short term thing so that you can keep all the balls in the air.

We only have 2; I absolutely could not cope with 3. We rarely get to bed before midnight any night. We work weekends and hardly ever take annual leave, or when we do we are still working bits anyway or we get too far behind. Also DC do one extracurricular activity a week, that’s it (and they didn’t start that until they were 5). We then make swimming a family activity every other week but we’re only out of the house for about 2 hours.

I don’t spend hours batch cooking, it just doesn’t work for me. Instead we just have a bank of meals that take under 30 mins that are low effort so one of us can cook that and just check on it occasionally while we do all the other chores in the kitchen.

We also have enough clothes and especially uniform that we can easily last 2 weeks without doing any washing so when we are really busy I just don’t bother.

But maybe most importantly for us, DH carries 50%ish of the mental load and does at least 50% of stuff around the house.

I have 3 kids aged 7, 5 and 1. DH is head of something fancy in finance and can't drop an hour, never mind a day. I am a solicitor and work 3 days in a job share in the public sector. Ok maybe not quite as fancy and high powered as some but a decent and well paid career I think.

We manage by:

• having pretty low standards for housekeeping (we have a cleaner every week and do our best to be tidying once a week for her coming)

• carefully managing clubs - most are at the weekend when we can both be on hand. Evening clubs are carefully managed and not overwhelming. One year doesn't do any clubs! Her life at home is fun enough

• embracing really, really easy meals, the kids eat loads of pasta, toasties, fish fingers etc. Some cut up cucumber on the side and grapes and yoghurt for dessert and they're sorted. Batch cooking has never featured

• mother's help once a week. Not strictly necessary as I've jiggled my hours around but she's an extra pair of hands that means I get some time to myself each week while she's there

• WFH has changed our lives significantly. We both work a few days in the office per week but having those days without commutes is life changing

Honestly I absolutely love my life and don't find it that hard. Fewer working hours for me and low standards for everything else 😂

We both worked full time when ours were little - approximately 9-5 but I had a long commute.

We dropped housecleaning standards and didn't iron anything. I didn't compromise on cooking from scratch, that was important. Any activites/sports were on a weekend, as were swimming lessons. Every few months we'd block out a weekedn for a cull/tidy of accumulated crap.

It worked.

My youngest did no activities for years, although we have deliberately increased the number after lockdown since he missed out so much for 2 years but by that point the elder two were at secondary and do a lot of activities at school that required no input from me. Our youngest (11) now does two after school clubs at school and two activities that are less than 5mins away from the house. But when the DDs were at primary it was 2 activities only and preferable ones your sister did at the same time.

Blimey. I couldn't have coped.

In the short term, could you and DH take two days annual leave on days when all three are elsewhere and spend day one having a major clear out and then use day two to tidy through, catch up on laundry etc.

Going forward, you might need to either pay for more help or reduce your days. And definitely rethink all the extra activities. It's good the kids do things, but if it's too much then reduce them down for the younger two.

I love stackable storage boxes. Three next to my desk at home are labeled "Crap to sort", "shredding" "keep for a while". So I have plenty of stuff that needs sorting, but it's contained and tidy and less stressy.

Drop one activity.

Tell DH he needs to do his fair share of the work including mental load.

No advice but you have my sympathies. This is exactly how I feel and exactly how I'd describe my life with DCs aged 1 and 3. I don't know how to fix it, I've toyed with the idea of a house keeper and/or home organiser person on a regular schedule? Effectively to help keep us on track. But I've not done anything about it yet.

It definitely feels impossible at times, especially when everyone gets sick. Which appears to me 90% of the time at the moment, despite it being summer!

I had one after school activity from about age 9 to 14 which was a piano lesson that started straight after school locally. When I was in secondary school I went to a gym club (in school) which I could easily get myself home from. Anything else had to happen at the weekend.

I think the only way it can work here both have high powered careers is when you can afford to pay people to pick up the slack - nannies, cleaners etc. otherwise it's just a case of firefighting.

Part time can also work. Realistically someone generally needs to take a career hit, at least in the short term.

It’s so hard. We’ve got 2 - a toddler and one in infants. Both kids glorious but absolutely not easygoing 😂 I’ve just had to negotiate a drop in hours to 3 days because something is going to explode in my head if I don’t. Luckily I have an alternative income opportunity where I can earn more for less hours so we should be able to make it work financially. I just keep everything crossed that it’ll ease over time but we’re absolutely in survival mode.

Work out the cost of nursery and asc then a nanny

Yes a nanny may be a little more but she can make your life easier

She will do kids washing

Take swimming if want that

Cook meals and many cook extras for freezer

Not sure how many activities eldest does but you need to limit to 2

So when all 3 found them that's 6 to get to - some may be the same

You will never have it all when working and have kids

Also on the swimming lessons thing, I too am that parent who had them in swim lessons since they could crawl. And I'm now wondering what the point was. They've stalled hugely in their lessons over recent years as in reality they're not in the actual pool that much during that 30 mins. We're on holiday now in Turkey and I swear my kids have learned to swim in the 10 days we've been here simply by spending about 5 hours a day in the pool!!

If you can afford it (I would choose this over expensive holidays) get a cleaner 2 or even 3 times a week. Someone intelligent with initiative. Finding this will be hard but if you get the right person and spend some time showing them, they will get to know your house really well. They can take over doing things like laundry and putting it away, figure out where random toys go, and even helping with food prep. (eg peeling potatoes or making a salad)

When my house is clean I have more energy and time to tackle random piles myself.

We both worked full time, had 2 children and looked after 2 sets of very elderly (read demanding) parents, one lot beside us and the other 40 miles away. It was tough and we were absolutely slaughtered with no help at all from our siblings who live abroad but we shared the work, didn’t let household tasks or untidiness build up. It was teamwork that got us through. Lack of help from our siblings still makes me angry when I think of it though!!! You will get through it!

DH and I both work FT and have 2 DC aged 6 and 8. Lots of after school activities to juggle and mental load all sits with me despite DH being fairly good. Life is busy but the things that help me are that 1) I mainly work from home so it doesn't take much to chuck a load in the wash or run a mop over the floor between meetings or during lunch break etc and 2) I have low expectations with cleanliness - my house is clean enough but I rarely dust and just do enough for it to be presentable.
It's hard to know what your standards are but I always remember a friend stressing out years back when she had her newborn that she hadn't managed to wash her front door that week. That to me is next level and completely unnecessary so perhaps think about what is really necessary. Decluttering might help if 'stuff' is getting on top of you.

4 and 1 year old do not need swim lessons. You could go swimming as a family at the weekend and that would be fine for now.

Quit the swimming, you need all hands on deck at the moment.

I think that to a certain extent you have to lower your standards and accept that while your children are young things will be a bit chaotic. Try to focus on the absolute priorities and overlook the mess.

So we’ve only got 2 kids but are planning a third (with similar age gaps) and your post scares me a bit!

But we feel we are managing well with 2 so far. DH and I both work in senior jobs in the city. I work full time and he works 4 days. Kids are 5 (in reception) and 2.5.

We have a nanny who looks after the 2.5 year old and picks up the 5 yo from school and gives them both their dinner. So DC1 isn’t in after school club, and we don’t have to worry about any drop offs for DC2 or pick ups for either of them - makes a huge difference. I also start quite late (9.45) and live near the office (in London terms - 25mins door to door) so can do all the drop offs for DC1 and feel like we get a lot of quality time in the morning.

I wfh 2 days a week and get through a lot of laundry on those days. We have a cleaner 3hrs/week but I’m thinking of upping it to 2 x 2hrs. All shopping is delivered from a set list weekly. We make the same meals again and again using the slow cooker.

DH does take DC1 swimming after school on his non working day. Other activities are weekends only. DC2 doesn’t do any at all. I don’t see the point in swimming lessons until they’re 4/5 as they can’t actually learn before then. Obviously as DC2 gets older and picks things up then our weekends will be busier, but I like them to have a good amount of downtime after school to relax and play so won’t be packing their schedules for their benefit as much as ours.

I do a bit more of the mental load but that’s because I’m at work 5 days so have more commuting and desk time. DH does a lot more stuff in the house and eg takes full responsibility for the online shop, swimming and medical and dental appointments. I do the kids clothes, activity bookings, nanny admin. It sounds like your DH needs to do more.

Our house is often a tip but it’s mainly kids toys which isn’t too bad. And a lot of the clothes admin is because I haven’t decided whether we’re going to have another so I’m still saving quite a bit of stuff. As your youngest grows you’re increasingly going to be able to just cull everything!

Sorry this was very long, but total solidarity. It’s not easy!

I have 2 DC so can imagine how hard it is with 3.

Can your eldest drop any of the after school activities?
Is your youngest having swimming lessons? If they are then I would drop these they don’t need swimming lessons at 1. Can you find a closer swimming pool?

Batch cooking/ slow cooker/ ready meals (we have a few places nearby where you can buy freshly cooked healthy ready meals).

Your DH needs to do 50% of the housework. Could he try doing 4 days again as this time you wouldn’t be recovering from a c section you might find it different.

Could your cleaner be increased? Get a gardener so that your DH can help with housework instead of doing the gardening.

Or reducing hours at work.

I think you have to accept that not all the clubs etc can be done. I would find one thing that the 8 year old want to do that fits with your schedule and that's it. You should alternate this with your dh.

My mum and my grandma both worked but it wasn't the kind of work as we know it now, it was very part time and the extra cash was for holidays/days out/ nice clothes and not because a mortgage was completely unaffordable on one income.

My grandma had an au-pair to help her (normal middle class family with primary and secondary age children in the early 70s) , my mum was able to be a SAHM in the late 80s and early 90s as my dad's low income job was enough to pay the mortgage.

My great grandma 'had a girl' (age 14ish) come in and help with the children and the cleaning.

None of them needed to go to the gym as they walked and biked everywhere and ultra processed foods weren't ubiquitous and the food shop was a walk round the local butchers, green grocers, bakery etc every few days and lugging it all home not delivered or picked up from a one stop supermarket.

You didn't wash clothes after they had only been worn once so there wasn't as much laundry.

None of them were expecteded to have 2 parents working 40 hour weeks

We've painted ourselves into a situation of self harm when it comes to equal rights.

Instead of having the equal right to be the working parent we've ended up in a situation where we are also the working parent and the at home parent all at the same time. Even in couples where there is a fairly even split of the domestic drudge society still places the expectation and the blame on the woman if the home situation is found wanting as a result of both parents working.