That two parents working doesn’t work

The most important thing is that DH and I work as a team and split all child/household chores except if outsourced. We also:

• insist on DC getting dressed before breakfast, and then that they do teeth and so on before any playing;
• now have a cleaner for two hours a week (we did this ourselves until a few weeks ago but it meant we couldn’t go away for weekends easily because the house would be dirty);
• decide what we are eating a week ahead, write up a menu and allocate food that’s quicker to prepare to the nights we get in later;
• get a grocery delivery once a week;
• have DC in wraparound care; and
• feed DC with cold food in the evenings because they have a hot lunch at school;
• do a wash most nights.

It's hard. Most of us couldn't manage with a strong family support. It's the constant string of days off/ strike/ election days/ half term/ end of term breaks that is a killer. People manage with summer camps etc, but no family support makes it honestly hellish.

Clashing schedules work when you beg other parents and friends for lift/ in exchange for lift back.

Honestly, to keep on top, is to make a decision and sacrifice an entire week - ideally when kids are away with family and just do the mother of all declutter. That annual leave you lose cough sick days if you can get away with them

I promise you the TOOM etc techniques work because staying on top of things is not that hard. Pushing yourself to these 15mn at night and never going to bed in a messy house makes a whole world of difference. But it's being ruthless and consistent.

Forcing yourself to do it EVERY DAY a very little bit but knowing that you are freeing your weekend, and maybe going for a swim or zumba once or twice a week is life changing.

The kid admin is not a big deal if you are again consistent.

I wouldn't manage if I was a single mother, I rely on having 2 adults at home, and one who can stay home with the kids. I never feel worst than slumbing on the sofa, stressed about the mess, stress about everything, but if I go for a run or a spin bike class, I sleep better and I have my sanity back.

This. Stop talking about iit as though your salary is responsible for childcare.

If a nanny is not for you that's perfectly valid but you could also have one a day a week. Lots of parents do work 3/4 days a week and it's difficult for a nanny to fill the extra day. Someone who is doing a bit of entertaining your soon to be toddler, who will sort through the toys etc is a godsend.

You have taken a 20% pay cut and are doing the same job. Go back to work 5 days and use the extra cash to make your life easier.

If you work full time, there is no cleaning and minimal cooking. Kids social lives happen in wraparound care. Football practice can be got rid of. Dad can go part time.

Personally if I were in your situation I'd ask my DH to drop to 4 days a week as well and for three long-ish days employ a nanny/housekeeper, who will do a lot of the 'keeping on top of the house' stuff and the running around with the DC on those days they're working.

I found it got a bit easier when they were all at school.

Yes, exactly this, OP, it's a bit mad that your day at home is largely taken up by swimming lessons. You need to prune your DCs' sporting activities to something that fits with your schedule.

DH and I both work in demanding FT jobs that aren't 9 to 5,, and we had one child by choice to make it workable. I get that you can't disinvent your two younger children -- I'm just giving it as an example of how two careers involve pruning things somehow, whether that's number of children, or what activities they do.

It'd probably be easier if dad stayed at home or at least went part time.
You don't need to stay on top of housework - let him do it.
You have 4 kids, not 3. You are mothering your man.

There's just too much to do. Accept that you are both doing the best you can, it won't be for ever, and make things as simple and streamlined as you can even if that means compromising on how you would prefer to do some things. There's a lot to be said for doing some relaxing before the chores.

Of course not but it is a reason why OP finds it hard and a reason why some others with 1-2 children will find it easier.

Put that third kid up for adoption OP

Was coming on to say the same thing. I find it much easier and less stressful to just rely on myself for everything than to feel like I need to nag someone else to do stuff. I'm busy but it all works out.

Is she supposed to sell one or 2 of her kids? 🤣

Op mine are older now but we both work ft (3 kids) and it's hard, the laundry basket is constantly overflowing, there's always mess (house is clean, but messy) and they're old enough to tidy their own rooms etc.

It will get easier but honestly I just had to let go a bit of standards and expectation of how tidy the house is, acknowledge that there is always going to be a pile of clean laundry that needs putting away that never really is and that sometimes (often) they will have pizza or hot dogs for tea.

It will get easier, but in the meantime accept your house will be mildly chaotic.

DC8’s thing is sport. She is a very talented footballer and one of the afterschool things is with a premier league academy (starts at 5pm an hour away 🤦‍♀️).

FUCKING HELL

I actually don't find us both working to be particularly stressful but..

DH really pulls his weight, including mental load - e.g. he does the dentist completely

We have two children not three

We limit extracurriculars to what we can manage - e.g. DS1 would love to do a martial art but we just can't swing it do he isn't for the mo.

In your situation, I think your DH needs to do more mental load, you might consider a jobshare (3 days), and I would just tell your DD she can't do both football and hockey

Your kids do too much outside of school and nursery. Dial that right down. Swimming do at the weekend and take 4yo for half an hour alone. That's not a full day out then. Plus it's not many weeks til September.

Do you have the funds for a cleaner? We have one every couple of weeks and it really helps.

Do less at weekends, schedule weekends with NO PLANS.

Drop some of the eldest’s activities. Save the swimming lessons as they’re important. Dedicate a day for laundry. Don’t bother with ironing unless it’s a shirt and do it as you get dc ready. Only do yours and dc. Dh does his. If dh needs a packed lunch he does his own. If your eldest needs a packed lunch at school teach them to make a sandwich so that they can make their own the night before. Dh needs to cook too. He can take dc to a club or there’s no club for them. It’s too much.

Yep me and my partner work opposite shifts. As in complete opposite shifts. We have had one day off together this year and have three children. It doesn’t work but there’s not much else we can do. We need both incomes. I enjoy my job and wouldn’t want to give it up and he enjoys his job and earns more than me! It does mean that we don’t rely on childcare though because one of us off whilst the other works. Not much time for a relationship though! We will re-evaluate when the youngest is of school age !
house work is the bane of my existence it’s never ending!

I did 80% time and salary fior a While to do after school club pick time
But soon realised i was still working 100% so went back to 100 % 5 days and 100 % pay

I think the issue is mainly your DH but also 3 children and multiple after school activities.

It can absolutely work with a DH who does his fair share, potentially 1 or 2 less children and less after school activities.

I don't find it particularly difficult but I only have a 7 month old. It's a reason why I wouldn't have more than 2 children though.

The keys for us are 1) we both work from home which gives so much more time due to no commute and the ability to get house bits done during the day, 2) I only work three days and 3) both of us have flexibility and aren't micromanaged.

Oh and we only have two kids, 4yo and 1yo, and will stop there. An extra kid and spread of ages like that is tricky for sure because you are kind of dealing with three distinct child phases at once.

And yes. A nanny or au pair takes dc to activities so you do not have to
If dc us top foitballer you may need tgat extra pair hands
Maybe someone paid to take her specifically ?

I think realistically eldest will have to choose one sport at high level - hockey and football multiple nights isn’t realistic. Worth looking at sports scholarship to a private school where they would do sports as part of school day?
Look for help with after school. DD’s friend had a nanny who took her to activities.
eg paying a student/retired person to take eldest to football academy could be money well spent and free up 4 hours for you.

Totally agree about dropping days but still having to do the same amount of work - I work in a job share and it is absolutely blissful. Works so much better for us and for our clients, and our workplace.

Our mother's help is a local student we got through word of mouth. She mostly stays in with them or walks to the park but she has taken them to swimming lessons. She tidies round the playroom, feeds them, plays with them, picks up extra babysitting hours if we're both going out etc. Is there any prospect of someone like that being in your area? Maybe that could relieve some of the logistics involved with ferrying the eldest around to her sports.

I do hope you’re also keeping yourself trim, well groomed, in shape and ready for sex 2-3 times a week? It’s not all about you and the kids you know, DH has needs too…

Agreed no frazzled mother ever.

would take a lot of my take home pay

Why "my" ie only yours?
It comes from family income
From both incomes

Total income after tax
= xxx
Nanyny or nursery childcare = x

Xxx-x = family income net of childcare

What about your pension contribs your paid leaVe your future?

Are you saying you are doing five dsys compresssed into 4 on 100% salary
Or 80% days and 80% salary ?