That two parents working doesn’t work

I'm a nurse and work my 24 hours a week over 2 days, also a single parent. Sounds great on paper but I spend at least a day recovering from those shifts. It does however leave me with 4/5 days to sort the household stuff out. Your children are still so young, could less hours be an option for you? Sounds as though your children have a lot of after school activities, could you cut down any of those?
You sound as though your carrying a lot of mum guilt. Be kind to yourself, your doing your best x

I only have 2 DC, 8 and 5, and DH and I both work FT. I mostly work out of the house.It is busy so I do sympathise and I couldn't imagine doing it with a baby as well.

I feel like it was more manageable just after the pandemic, as there was less we could do. Since then things have gradually crept up on us and now DS8 does so many activities that it wears us really thin. On top of that we need wraparound care. Pretty much every evening there is some extra activity, and at weekends too.

When DC were younger (toddler/reception aged) it was hard work but simpler. I worked 4 days per week. They did fewer activities and associated admin, and on weekends we were free to choose what we wanted to do.

If I were you I would drop the swimming on your day off. You need some unscheduled time. and you have years ahead of you to get swimming lessons in. Your 4 year old can wait another year or two before you need to be worried about them being in swimming lessons.

Drop the hockey

Don't use your one day at home for swimming lessons

"This too shall pass"

We have 3 children and until last April were both working FT. Barely coping. I dropped to 4 days and use that day off for cleaning/tidying/life admin/shopping but also for my own mental well-being - so I'll go for a long run, for example. It has made a massive difference to my resentment towards working so much (even though I love my job!) and also we can keep on top of the housework now.

We do have after school activities but one of those evenings is mine (running) and one of them is my husband's (football) so we are also "in" on the extra curricular stuff!

Honestly something just has to give and you HAVE to make time for yourself. For me it's very important for my wellbeing and our marriage.

Happy parent = Happy kids

NOT

Loads of extra curricular stuff = happy kids/happy parents

Sorry if it has been mentioned. But is WFH an option? I only have 1 DS so I know a lot less going on. But the hr or so after he heads to nursery and before I start work, then during lunch and the 45mins before he is home I get loads done.

Also pressure cooker - get for speedy meals instead of always batching

I could have written your post and I only have the two DCs. I frequently tell myself that it just doesn't work, I don't think it's meant to, somehow women have to work too on top of everything else and it's just not feasible.

We don't have family nearby either so when we're not working we divide and conquer, one has the kids while the other does everything else that needs doing. Relentless.

I'm lucky to WFH too so I can get some small household tasks done through the week but I often feel I am failing at work as a result.

I occasionally take an extra day off in the week when DC are at school/nursery to blast through larger tasks like decluttering/paperwork. It really helps me mentally to feel like I've gotten on top of a few things, but still leave no time for R&R.

Sympathies...

Being hònest op as this is an online forum so why not. I think you are right when youd ay children would rather have parents around a bit more than expensive holidays.

I am ambitious and driven so believe me i am not saying this from a 1950s perspective

But 3 children and the life work that comes witj them needs a certain amount of time.

Between you and your DH you might find a better life balance working less. That is just a reality...the more hours you work the less you are there for your children and home.

the term “afford” also applies to time.
Budget carefully and spend (schedule) only what you can afford.

I have 1 child and 1 Labrador. Plus two adult kids here some of the time. I do washing , cooking , tidying , sweeping and pots every day. I do bathrooms, dusting up and downstairs , hoover and mop weekly . So that's one a day. Then there's, deep cleaning, oven, settee, table and chairs, kitchen cupboards dishwasher, microwave, windows, so usually one a week.
So the daily jobs take 60-90 min plus one weekly job is 30-60 min depending which one. And then there's the big jobs that take 30 - 60 min.

Your 8 year old can’t continue to do all that sports nonsense, if only because it means your other children won’t get any chance to do anything, because you’ll be too busy running the 8 year old to the other side of the county.

in the nicest possible way, get a grip. The 8 year old is highly unlikely to be the next Meghan Rapinoe. Your DH needs to step up more and not abdicate responsibility, Your 4 year old might be less stressy if her parents are less frazzled.

I’d sack off absolutely EVERYTHING for 6 months or so to get onto an even keel, and then start adding stuff in gradually. It is fucking hard with three kids, even more so when they are tiny.

And whatever you do, dropping work should be very, very far down your list of things to try.

Sorry that should read DD is a dancer.

Lower your standards (further if necessary) and pay for more help. Make sure your DH shares the load. I think you’re doing the right thing not going further part time but it’s hard and I take my hat off to you 😀

@SouthLondonMum22 I get that but if you take into account unpaid time off work to care for sick kids because you need to save your leave for school holidays, plus paying nursery despite the sick child not going, and still having to pay childcare in the holidays for three children when you've both used all your leave, you can see why some families just can't make ends meet, regardless of whether it damages career progression or pension amount

4 and 1 year olds do not "need" swimming lessons, mine didn't learn until 8.

I disagree. They might not "need" sport club everyday, even if most kids are much more enjoyable when they spend enough energy, but swimming is not a luxury. Of all the things to get rid off, I wouldn't put swimming for a 4 year old - even a 1 year old frankly.

It is tough, yes. I have a 4 and 1 year old and work 4 days a week but office based with an hours commute each way. I’m out of the house 7am - 5:15pm. DH works full time but does get to WFH one day a week.

Eldest is in reception and youngest in nursery. DH does drop off so I can start work earlier and I do the pick up. We have to use breakfast and after school club but that means that the kids eat out of the home so we don’t have to worry about their meals most days. Or if they do need feeding we keep it simple with sandwiches, etc and they can have a cooked meal at lunch at school or nursery. For us, we batch cook or eat quick meals in the week (stir fry’s etc). Pre kids I would have turned my nose up at ready meals but we do use these sometimes too.

We don’t do any activities in the week, it simply doesn’t work at the minute as the kids are tired and need to go to bed early as they’re up early the next day. Swimming lessons and football class happen on Saturday and Sunday mornings. This might change as they get older and need less sleep.

We don’t have a cleaner so I clean on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours whilst DH takes kids out. Standards much lower than pre kids but do a deeper clean every 6 months when DH takes over all childcare for a weekend or two.

After kids in bed, I stick a quick wash on and hang up to dry, empty their bags and get ready for the next day, get rid of any unwanted paperwork and reply to anything that needs a response straight away.

The best thing I have done is to take a day off whilst the kids are in childcare/ school now and again to get on top of the “extra” jobs like sorting out their wardrobes with outgrown clothes or having a toy clearout, or just an all over decluttering. If I can do this every few months it helps me feel on top of things.

We have decided against a third child because we are already stretched with the two we have and don’t think adding a third into the mix would be in anyone’s best interest. I’d love not to work, but I also value my independence and I do have a decent job that I worked hard for. I can’t reduce my hours further, I’ve been lucky to get the 4 days as it is and even though that means I am effectively cramming 5 days work into 4, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. It’s worth it to be able to take my eldest to school once a week and spend a day with my youngest. And I try to remember that it won’t be this way forever. Before we know it they will be grown 🙂

Just here to say I TOTALLY understand. I don't have any good advice though. Honestly feel like I'm drowning. Have a 4 year old and 1 year old...both at nursery 4 days a week. I recently went back from mat leave 4 days a week and have both kids on my day off. House is constantly a mess and I hate it. Work long hours (lawyer). Definitely cannot afford to not work. Have a cleaner but it's a mess within 24 hours. Feel like I'm not as relaxed and present with the children as I'd like to be as it's all pretty overwhelming!

Have only one DD aged 1 and this is part of the reason I don’t want more. As it is our house is always a mess and I just deal with some of it whenever I have energy, usually do dishwasher and a load of washing on my lunch break whilst WFH. Incredible MIL looks after our DD on a Friday and cleans the kitchen for us while DD naps so that we have a clean kitchen at least for the weekend, we are really lucky in that respect. I could clean all evening and during DD’s nap time on days she is with me but I need that time to relax, I prefer to try and do small amounts of tidying or cleaning while she’s awake and otherwise getting out as much as we can so that less mess is generated.

DH is good in many ways but doesn’t see mess, we got back from a holiday a week ago and my clothes have at least been taken from my suitcase, washed and put in a pile and my suitcase put away, DH’s case is still in the kitchen. I don’t do his laundry any more and the case may still be there at Christmas but annoying as it is I won’t be moving it. He does at least deal with the robot vaccum in the lounge ( emptying etc), does some garden maintenance, all the driving, all the sorting of bills, sorts any IT or home maintenance issues, does half the childcare and usually takes the bin down when he remembers but I do still feel a lot falls to me.

100% this.

My house looks pretty good but I spend 2-3 hours every day keeping on top of it

how many children do you have? 2-3 hours a day is nuts! WHO is making that much mess that it takes you that long every day?

I only have two children (now 8 & 11) but similar challenges OP. I work in the office every day but work 8 - 2. DH does drop off at breakfast club. DS is a talented racket sport player and add a dancer and I do a lot of ferrying to activities.

Are you able to share any of the drop offs and pick ups with other parents?With the academy if you could find another parent you could do every other week and if other clubs are local and you have another parent nearby offer to either drop off or pick up. I gain about an hour and half each week by doing this.

Can DH take all 3 out on a weekend to DD's activity or for the afternoon so you can get things done in the house?

I think you'll always feel like you are not doing a great job at anything because you are always worrying about the next thing of the day but if you can carve out some windows of time to tackle a few things you might feel better.

I barely keep afloat, TBH. We both work full time, the house is a pigsty, we spend the whole time rushing about shouting at each other and/or dumping the kids in front of the TV. It's not working. I don't have enough headspace to dedicate to work, I don't give my kids enough attention, and the housekeeping just doesn't happen. I am reluctant to reduce my hours at work because I can see I would end up doing five days of stuff but be paid for four, and then I would be landed with all the chores on top of all the mental load. And although I went PT for a while, we're not married so it feels risky. At the moment I'm just bumbling along, feeling guilt and sadness that the children's childhoods are passing day by day without them getting much of anything from me.

I do think long term needs to be considered as well as short term.

Childcare fees are expensive but how expensive would it be compared to losing someone's earning potential for 4-5 years? Would they ever be able to earn what they did before?

What about career progression? How much would be lost during 4-5 years? A potential promotion? Any bonuses?

Pension is also something to consider.

All potential financial losses which could end up costing more long term than short term childcare fees.

I'm in a similar position op and it's a fucking nightmare. We have an 8 year old and a 2 year old and both work full time. We have no extended family around. I have no idea how you do it with 3!

I work compressed hours which saves on nursery fees but it's bloody exhausting and makes my job harder.

I'm absolutely exhausted. On a week day, I never get more than 6 hours sleep. Dh and I never get time together without the kids, and very little time to ourselves.

Agree completely. I work ten hours a wk , dh is full time. My house looks pretty good but I spend 2-3 hours every day keeping on top of it (I don't enjoy it but I want it to look good) so my week consists of-
Cleaning - 13 hours
Dog walking - 8 hours
Work - 12 hours (inc commute)
Caring for elderly parent - 3 hours
Child care 17.5 hours (just the time dh is out of house)
Exercise- 3 hours
Total hours = 56.6

I hear you. Both me and DP work full time. House is always a tip. Constantly behind on everything admin wise! Never enough hours in the day. Sorry no help, but I can totally empathise 😵‍💫

I think OP means the household pot. Whatever way you look at it, if the childcare bill is more than the lower wage out of the pair of them, does the family need that person to be out earning right now? If they need the extra cash maybe they will have to look for jobs with alternating shifts so no childcare cost, but to spend more than one wage on childcare makes no sense