That two parents working doesn’t work

You are describing the scenario why lots of people choose not to have a 3rd child. 1 or 2 children with working parents is hard enough.

Just wanted to echo what others have said by you are not alone with this issue.

Both DH and I work full time in high pressures jobs and the nature of IG means we cannot WFH.

We have one DC and I would like to have another but I have delayed having another.

Its a hard slog honestly you have my sympathies and seem to be doing an incredible job keeping it all together !

We manage due to the fact that we both muck in. It doesn't and can't work if just one part of the partnership is doing it all. For example, due to work hours I do all school drop offs and pick ups, my OH does all after school activity drop offs and pick ups. We have a meal plan and rota for who cooks each night. Whoever is cooking does all the clearing away so the other gets a full evening away from the kitchen and that includes sweeping and mopping floor once everythings done. He does all washing and drying, my job is to sort the clean clothes etc. Kids take it in turns to vacuum when they get in from school. My friend cleans for us once a fortnight and we are all tidy people so it never gets too bad.
It is a well oiled machine these days, it's hard when kids are smaller. If my DH didn't do as much as me I wouldn't cope. I dont know how women can cope who do it all with no support.

neither of us are bothered about cleaning other than clean clothes

We have both worked FT throughout. One look at how my mental health was by the end of maternity leave would have left us in no doubt that my being a SAHM would have been a disaster. We considered DH staying home…but he wasn’t keen either. Funny thing, lots of people had views about me being FT…not one person ever wondered that he was.

The secret, for us, has been that we have a childminder who feeds DSs and will take them to activities. Now they’re both school age she does wrap around and often she’ll drop and we’ll collect. And she still feeds them. We also have a cleaner so we get good chunks of family time.

Two DC, three years apart. I worked compressed hours, 10 days in 9, while DH worked from home one day every two weeks. DH pretty good about mental load, I would be more likely to think about activities for the kids but DH good about dealing with and actioning things once the decisions were made. Nursery fed the kids proper meals which seemed to be different from the other ones we looked at (no idea if this was/is unusual) but meant kids didn’t need fed when they got home during the week.

I couldn’t do what you do. I would be same as you - stressed and overwhelmed. I have 4dc: 3 primary age and a toddler, and I don’t work and don’t see myself being able to for many years. I am lucky to have this option. My DH could never do any school runs or anything as he leaves at 7 and comes back about 9ish.

We had to talk to dc1 and tell them they needed to pick one sport when the intensity levels increased as wasn't fair on rest of family running about every evening

Dh does most of the clothes washing and I organise food. I use the slow cooker, I buy occasional ready made lasagna and sometimes we have pesto pasta or Heinz tomato soup over pasta with peas shoved in.

sometimes it’s overwhelming and dh takes extra on so it’s not 50:50 and other times I step up and take extra on when dh is struggling.

my dc are a bit older now - 15 and 11yo twins. Life should be getting easier right? But I’ve thrown in a post grad diploma at a Russell group Uni (wtf was I thinking?!). I’ve just done Year 1 and have 18 months to go. Our balance was okay but hard but now dd1 needs extra support that we didn’t see coming so dh and I are currently both feeling things right now. We keep thinking it’ll get easier but I don’t think it will. We just need to find moments of fun and holidays to break up the tough times.

Nope wouldn't do it hubby and me agreed before we had children that I would give up work. We have twin 1 year olds and a 3 and a teen and I do everything at home but hubby soon as he gets in dives in with everything also no nagging needed, till bedtime strikes at 7 and them we flop lol

Widowed mum, two children (13, 8). I work 8-4 but I commute as well. No family so I rely on after school club. No cleaner. Can't afford one because let's be honest the NHS pays badly. I work full time.

I don't have the answers but I sympathise. My days consist of work, kids activities, cooking and cleaning. It's very busy and full on. I get it all done somehow but it's always a rush, I live at a million miles an hour

Yes, with three all the wheels started falling off for me. I got made redundant about that time which was a relief to be honest. We actually then spent less money as was able to meal plan better. Not panic buy stuff. or buy stuff out of guilt. The time out of the job market has meant I am still in mid level role when I think I could have climbed the career ladder a bit. It is a bit of a trade off.

You asked how you coped with small children, housework, work, sleep and being absolutely wonderful - there is only one answer - don’t beat yourself up over it - do what you can!

I actually found it easier once I started doing nights, cos the nights I didn’t work, I deep cleaned the house top to bottom, cooked, washed, ironed, and because no one was disturbing me and my routine, I felt at peace.

Labour saving devices like a dishwasher was a godsend too.

Thankfully hubby and children and dog and cat could sleep thru an atom bomb landing, but I know my life is not how everyone wants to live, but I felt it easier for me to be the person I wanted to be.

I hope that you find your happy place very soon

This post has has a bit of a tone but basicaly i agree with it.

I will have 2 under 2 shortly. We both have professional jobs and 4 days is not a luxury my company will ever offer. I am in or out. And i cant afford to be out. Our outgoings are £££

Extra ciricular We dont / wont "do" baby classes and our children wont go to swim class until they are 4 or 5. We have agreed one sport activity and one instrument max.
decluttering and storage is key. I spend the last month of my first mat leave buying storage and putting "systems" in place. I throw out a bag of stuff per week i would say.
Kids help out my DD is 16m but "helps" in the house. She puts shoes away, takes things to mummy/daddy. Unpacks shopping etc.

Kids clothes & toys
Im brutal.
One thing i do which seems to have blown some of my friends minds is i dont sort through the kids clothes as they grow out of them.
When dd is growing out of a few things in 12-18m i pack them all away (even if its cute and fits) and get out 18-24m.
Old lot out, new lot in. I go through the old stuff and keep the nicest 14 vests 10 dresses etc. All the rest goes to charity. I have jojo storage bags. One for 0-6m, 6-12m, 12-18m.
Dd has a trofast with 6 pull out drawers if a new toy doesnt fit old toys get given away.

Outsourcing
we have a cleaner 3 hours a week. When no 2 comes it will be 6 hours. We are happy to forego other things for this as its a priority. We basically give up 2 x weekend hols per year for it)

It's just a shame that it's almost always the woman who gives up work.

Oh gosh, I feel you! Ours are 8,5 & 1 (where I live that means 5 year old starts school in jan) and Dh and I are both full time.
we have a nanny 2 days, it’s expensive, and when she can’t come we are a bit sunk so eg today, Dh can fortunately drop the younger dc at his mums, but I’ll have to do the school run and cook dinner while if we didn’t have the nanny we’d usually have cooked more on Sunday and not have to cook today. Dc8 is very sporty. We had to drop gymnastics after school when I went back from mat leave and have set up nanny’s days to cover dc5s gymnastics and dc8s basketball training and basketball games, so next year will be a bigger challenge without a nanny.
cleaner fortnightly, and we are pretty busy!! 😖 Dh collects dc every night, and leaves early wed to get dc8 to football training. There is 2x football and 2 x swimming on the weekend, dc1 doesn’t do anything yet. Maybe when she starts sleeping better. We work hard. Dh does more of the mental load than yours , all the footy and piano admin, and a chunk of the school admin. I do do more than he does, just about all our planning, holidays, finance, childcare (I am on the managing committee), so he does quite a bit on the practical front but I do the sorting cupboards, picking up random things and putting them away more. I wfh 3 days usually and that helps a lot. It used to mean Dh tried to leave the kids sick days to me but I do not allow that anymore. I do have a nap sometimes on my wfh days, when baby isn’t sleeping it is about survival. We are pretty comfortable but the outgoings are huge, especially
childcare. We don’t get luxury holidays especially with all the rate rises we have had and can’t just get takeaways every week or we’d run out of our food budget pretty quickly.

You lost me at spending all of your day off taking a 1yo and 4yo to swimming. Then saying your 8yo had a full schedule of after school activities. It's not necessary.

You've got a lot on. Do fun stuff but swimming lessons for preschoolers and hockey for 8yo is not something you need to be directing your energies.

I'm not saying it's easy having 3 young dc. It's exhausting.

Most mums just sling out party loot bags ar earliest opportunity.

Kindly i think you are letting the wrong things get on top of you.

By all means if you want to quit work and you can afford to then quit but I think other people make it work by taking a more stripped back approach to early years. Park visits and playing at home, not quite as much running about.

If you haven't got a cleaner get one as it forces you to be more organised about not letting the crap build up and you can save on cleaning time in favour of tidying and sorting.

Life has changed a lot in terms of expectations I think. I'm one of 6 and my mum and dad worked, no real family help. I don't think any of us did any activities we couldn't get ourselves to, ever. Actually we did do swim lessons, but it was one week, aged about 5, and then we could swim..I think they teach swimming really badly now, as my kids seemed to have years of lessons once a week and it went on forever.
I remember Saturday mornings we all had to pitch in and help tidy the house. We all had to wash up once a week too. No dishwasher! We were a bit, er, feral, and probably scruffy, but it didn't seem like this frenetic hamster wheel of chores and a packed schedule.
So my suggestion is move to the 1980's? Sorry, not helpful!

we both worked with three boys.
Oldest 3years older than twins.
Tbh not sure how we survived. Dh and I were ships that passed in the night( or on the drive) for years.
Boys only did swimming club as an after school activity. Other activities had to be at the weekend as we couldn’t do them. So athletics, football, cricket practices and matches were all at the weekend.

We didn’t have any family support or a cleaner. We just didn’t clean that much. We did things like, no carpets just wood floors as easier to clean. Planted lots of bushes and just let them grow ( garden now amazing ) if there are weeds under them you can’t see them anyway.

We took turns cooking and batch cooked so one major cook was enough for at least three full meals.
We only did a food shop once a fortnight. We only shopped for clothes if we needed them, so if the boys grew out of them or if mine or dhs fell apart. We hate shopping anyway.

We kept charts on the wall listing ‘jobs to do’ by names and yes when the boys got to 6 they were expected to help. So at 6 it’s ok to sweep the kitchen, put out the recycling etc. Life’s admin was also on the chart and split between myself and dh.

But tbh, I’m just relieved they’re adults now.

As an aside, cut down on activities if you can’t manage. Take up offers of clubs at school and say no if it’s all too much.

If I was to do it again I would have employed an au pair. Friends did and they had it much easier.

I think at them ages the only way is either part time or be a sahm. I never understand why people working 50/60 hrs and putting their kids in childcare all day have kids.

Yeah it's pretty hard. We had a nanny.

Let the 8 year old be an 8 year old. Driving one hour and back to do a sport is absolute madness!

What if you just dropped all the activities and let the kids play with themselves after school? Pretty sure this is how the vast majority of people grow up anyway.. Nobody really needs a packed schedule of lessons, sports and classes on top of school and nursery.

I have a 6yo, 4yo and 18mo. I work 5 day and DH does 4 days. Our house was always a shit tip and is still prone to getting that way but we have cleared out a LOT of stuff, which has helped massively. My dining room still has 2 walls stacked with crap which needs chucking but I’ve not had the energy to do it and we’ve got about 4 buggies and 2 redundant car seats cluttering up the hall… play room is complete carnage so much so the kids can’t even play in it. Have a cleaner fortnightly which has made such a difference to the housework but honestly the thing that has helped is just being really ruthless with the stuff (need to continue down this path). And having a laundry system.

I feel you though, it’s bloody tough trying to do the career thing and the kids thing-whilst sleep deprived with a baby/toddler, there’s just no buffer.

My kids are 7, 5 and 2, I work full-time but over 4 days, so my working days I work 7.30-5.30, on my day "off" I go round my sisters and look after her little one (as well as my own child) so she can work, so I have full time hours, plus an extra day of childcare looking after a small baby in someone else's house. I get no time for anything basically. I have an amazing husband who does his share of everything and then some. The house comes last. We won't die if the house isn't spotless, everyone is clean, in clean clothes, fed, going to hobbies, homework done, long term a messy house is not going to have a long term impact. Does it annoy me and make me feel like I'm lacking, well yeah, does my husband care? No, I think it's a woman thing worrying about the house. We both need to work full-time to afford our lifestyle, we aren't worried about money (we aren't rich" but doing just fine) but we sacrifice having a show home. I'll never sacrifice stuff with the kids to clean the house, I could afford a cleaner but I don't trust someone I don't know coming round to be honest.

It's hard, but like many women I need to work, plus I worked hard for my own career, I earn more than my husband, I've no interest in sitting at home.

I honestly would strongly recommend you to have a look at the TOOM method, the book or the guided cleans.

I can't live in a messy house, and I hate the narrative that having kids and a job must mean you have to live in a tip destroying your mental health and wasting energy worrying about things, and looking for lost stuff, but your routine is heavy!

Life is too short for housework.

You also need a dishwasher by the sound of it😂