That two parents working doesn’t work

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with what I desire, except for the fact I desired to have children- as did you.
When I made that decision, I gave up what I desired, age my dc everything they needed - which really was only one thing, a parent to be with them during their waking / non school hours, day in day out, as main carer and someone who would love unconditionally, always.
What any child needs- not to be shown what jobs mum and dad can do or get / wealth / status that’s so way way down the line of what’s important

Because the dad might want to do it?
Because not all mums want to be a SAHM?
Because sometimes the mum is the higher earner?

Several reasons.

I became self employed, no chance I could do what I do for the kids working for someone else . But I do what I’ve done for 20 years so I’m skilled

I totally agree but this only ever goes one way when threads of this nature are on MN. Sad times.

Both my parents worked when I was a child. I can only thank them for showing me that you always have to fight to achieve what you want in life and not to be told you can’t or shouldn’t do something. I never lack any love in my childhood. Also when I was in school my mum was working so I’d not have made any difference whether she was at home or at work.

if I was a sahm my mental health would be very poor. Doubt that would benefit my son. Just because something works for you doesn’t mean the rest should follow what you desire

Why should it? I’d be pretty happy if Dh wanted to drop a day! He’s taking 2 months delayed parental leave end of the year and it will be great.

I earn 20k more than my husband. If that was the case my son would def not have the type of life he’s got now. Also many mums like me would hate to be sahm. My mental health would not put up with it

Why SHOULDN'T it be the mum?

I wonder what your child would think of that though? Most likely will just want their mum around when you scrape away the bull shit.
Nothing more valuable to society than raising a child in the right way- being a SAHM is also a valuable job -there is far more to being successful that what job you have!

Mums and dads are more than mums and dads in life. I went to uni to have a successful career. Had I stayed where I was when I started 10 years ago I’d have not be happy. Maybe I’d have more time cuz I would have reduced my hours for hating my role. Life is not only being a parent in life. Achieving what you desire makes you successful in life as well

I think your the age spread of your kids is really demanding.
I agree with pp that the 8 yr old can drop out of some extra curricular till it works for your family.
could you afford to pay someone to take the kids to swimming (eg someone training to be nursery teacher , mother’s help) today save you few hours , while you get on top of a job that’s bothering you ?

It's all about how financially comfortable you are, really. Prices are high in our area and we have no inherited wealth or finance from anyone. No rich family giving us handouts like some mnetters seem to have. Even taking into account childcare, we're still better off with both of us in full-time work. That might change if we were given some spare cash but that's the situation at the moment. Most of our peers are in a similar situation except for those with the benefit of family money.

You've just described our life... Right down to party bag loot (sitting in 4 different locations currently) the crazy messy playroom and not being able to rotate stuff quickly enough before another birthday/Christmas influx etc. I only have two as well! It's life with kids isn't it?! The showhome houses you see on Insta look lovely but pretty much the are either a) people without kids, b) people with one older kid, c) extreme rich people with nannies, cooks housekeeper etc or d) it's all fake and they just photograph one clean corner of their house a time. You will miss the crazy house and it will feel empty when the leave! Just try to see it all as temporary and fuck it have a gin and tonic or do what we do, go out every weekend and get away from it ignore it! Having said that my son went to school with the wrong PE kit as I didn't have a clean white shirt this week and I borrowed a neck tie for Scouts because ours is missing. I regularly have to rewash clothes that have sat in the washer all day waiting to be hung up and the baby hasn't had a bath for over a week and we are weaning... Sometimes I am horrified we are wallowing in our own filth 🥴🤣 😱

You are trying to do it all. That’s why it’s hard
You had 3 kids by choice. You have chosen to work so many days between you and your husband.
You are choosing to put your kids into all these clubs.
Something has to give or you will be in this frazzled state for years.
Either cut your hours (or DH hours) down.
Or hire a nanny to clean and take to clubs
Or have a messy house and do less clubs- why do a 1 year old and 4 year old need swimming lessons? My two didn’t learn until after covid at 8/ 9 and within 1 year were swimming 6 lengths in 4 strokes. So much better than slogging it out for years moving up the groups so so slowly as I did with my older child who started in reception.
It’s going to be hard - you have 3 kids!

Why should it be the mum?

Hence why we only had one!

My husband and I knew we wanted a big family and made the decision early on that I would go part-time. I was the bigger wage-earner but also had the desire to be the one at home with the children. I have considerably more children than you, but can't manage more than two days a week now, and that's with all but two in full time schooling. I take my hat off to anyone who can manage to work full time hours with a family at home.

I agree there should always be one parent at home at least four or five of the days of the week .... sorry not sorry but it should be the mom

I have one child, only work two days, have a cleaner and still don't feel on top sometimes.

So yea it's not going to be easy in your situation.

But op DOES have 3 kids! She can't change that, I wish people would stop telling her her life would be easier with 1/2 kids, that's so unhelpful.

How interesting that you ascribe both parents working to shallow materialism. I don't in fact agree that 'family life and relationships' are the most important thing -- my work is also meaningful and important, and I would continue to do it if I suddenly became independently wealthy.

It is not particularly well-paid, and I'm certainly not in it for the 'shiny new car'. My phone is ancient, I'm not going abroad this year other than borrowing some friends' house in France, and I don't own a car, and cycle everywhere.

As well as providing for my child, I think it's valuable to model the importance of having a job you enjoy and are good at, and that contributes to society.

Less DC than you but another advocate here for WFH if you can! I can’t (teacher) but DH does (2-3 days at home, other 2-3 in the office, varies but always 2 at home minimum) and it’s made a massive difference! Just simple things like on 1-2 of his home days he will take his full lunch hour and use it to hoover/mop floors, catch-up on washing, cook dinner for that evening etc. On his other home day he takes his “lunch” hour from 3-4, does school collection and goes back to work for an hour at 4. I use my NCT time (planning/prep periods) to leave early and do school collection and swimming lessons once a week then I work again at 9pm. It’s busy and often frantic but we make it work with team work and 50/50 division of tasks. No expectation or belief that anyone’s career takes precedence, we are equals.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with continuing a career and/or wanting your children to have more than just the very basics of a roof over their head and food on the table.

Both of us worked fulltime with two small children. I was a solicitor but in government without the hugely long hours needed for private practice. I started out with a nanny when they were very little and had a cleaner and gardener. They then both went to a local creche before going on to school. They were picked up after school by a service that cleared lunch boxes, provided a space to do homework and organised activities till 5.30 or so. My husband worked from home being in business for himself and sick children could stay at home while he worked. It makes a huge difference if their school/creche is close with good parking. We don't do the huge school run palaver the UK do either. We drop our children off at school - see them insider the gate - and they would walk to their classrooms when the bell rang.

Depressing thread. Is this kind of life really in anyone's interest? Kids need a roof over their head and food on the table, so parents need to work enough to secure that - but beyond that, how many parents are living just to earn and be "successful" in their careers - and forgetting what is the most important thing: family life and relationships. Much more important than a big house, the latest iPhone, foreign holidays or a shiny new car.