That two parents working doesn’t work

Look, you’re doing everything you can and you can only do your best. You are categorically not failing. You’re essentially doing 2 full time jobs which let’s be honest, is impossible. Be kind to yourself.

I agree with a pp re getting a gardener if you can afford it to free up dh to do more housework. The other bit of advice I’d give is get the kids into the habit of picking up after themselves now while they are still young. I was a sahm when mine were young and didn’t do this and I’ve made a real rod for my own back. Don’t feel you have to do everything yourself. The kids can help a bit even at this age with small age appropriate tasks. It helps them get in the habit for when they are (surprisingly) even messier teenagers.

I have two sons who really value me and as recently a SAHM they can see first hand that those qualities of kindness, every day care and attention are just as important as bringing home the bacon.

Those aren't opposites. Being kind, and giving your children attention and every day care is not the opposite to 'bringing home the bacon'.

To be honest I have never found it an issue to have 2 working parents and raising children. Although I think this specifically is harder with 3 kids and 2 not yet in school.

I just don't see the need for 1 person to stay at home full time particularly when you consider most children are at school from 4.

Most people who do find it difficult to balance just have a partner who is useless or views the house and kids as woman's work so the wife ends up cutting back her hours rather than just being a proper partnership.

Are you saying you can't be nurturing AND work? I think I manage to do both and so does my DH. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Does your partner who enables you to be SAHP not still nurture your kids on his days off? Or is he off to the golf course having 'fulfilled' his purpose to the family? I have two sons. The elder helps me put loads of washing in and look after his younger brother including feeding him, playing with him when we are home together and he understands his role in running the house. He also sees his dad doing the washing, hoovering, looking after the baby and not just the traditional male role of earning, DIY and BBQing 😉. With any luck my son has imbibed this knowledge for the future!

I don't need to spend 24/7 with him to experience those things with him. Exploring the world also costs money and we'll be able to explore so much more of it with two incomes instead of just one.

manontroppo - calm down. Loads of husbands of working women hardly see their kids, do they? Loads of kids these days are in childcare for long hours and only see the parents for an hour or two in the evening. What life is that? At least that husband is facilitating his children being able to be in their own home with their own mum - who is more than happy to do this.

@PurpleWisteria1 Your husband clearly didn’t want to watch your kids make little friends, did he? And by the sounds of it, he didn’t want much to do with family life at all, so it’s far easier for all concerned and very convenient that you have decided that it’s a must for a parent (the mother, natch) to stay at home all the time and that it’s the Most Fulfilling Thing Ever. It might have worked for you and your situation but you simply can’t extrapolate to every family and every situation.

If it’s so important to have a parent at home, making memories and cooking tea, then you should be perfectly happy to facilitate any and both parents to maximise their family time. It follows that it’s not fair on the parents or children to have one parent out of the house all the time and one at home all the time.

Totally agree. Must be so hard keeping it all going by yourself. You are most certainly not lazy by any stretch.

I'm a single mum of 3 (not single by choice before anyone says I shouldn't have had them), 2 have additional needs. It's non stop and relentless hard work yet "society" considers me lazy for "only" working 3 days a week (4 soon). There is just so much expected of mums. If my ex had the kids full time he'd be considered a hero not an idle scrounger. We need to enable people to prioritise family more somehow.

I know it feels good- it would have felt good for me to do many other things on the many hard days with 3 under 3 but it’s such a short time they are at home and so much sheer joy too. When you had kids, don’t you want to spend the days with them? Take them to places? See them make little friends, make them food end explore the world together? Enjoy them before they are packed off to school for the rest of their childhoods?

Another vote for going back full time for the extra pay and then getting a nanny.

I have no suggestions but I'm just here to say YANBU. We don't have even have holiday clubs here anymore - cancelled for covid and never reinstated.

Im jealous of all the opportunities children have elsewhere in the country in August woth various clubs and activities! The stress of working & childcare is unreal.

I'm currently looking for a new job and barely anyone offers WFH or flexitime. It's gone backwards since Covid!

Every school holiday we just feel like we're failing at it all - we don't have grandparents who help either. I love working though :(

Yeah good one.
He would have been far more reluctant to have them if I hadn’t been willing / wanting to be the main caregiver during the days. It only takes one parent for stability.

Because some people need more than staying at home with their children. It's good for my mental health to work, it stimulates my brain in a way that I simply wouldn't get as a SAHM, it feels good to earn and provide for my family etc.

I'd be miserable as a SAHM.

@PurpleWisteria1 I feel so sorry for your children with such a shitty excuse for a father, who went days without seeing them. I mean , who has kids just to not see any of their development and growth day by day? What a pathetic excuse for a man!

Why would it have destroyed you though? In what way?
Its not really horrible- the title of the post is two parents working doesn’t work. My thoughts are no it doesn’t, and there’s reasons for that.

Not really.
My DD is also top of her class at a grammar school. I encourage her to be whatever she wants- children or no children. But yes, I do personally believe that if you make the choice to have children then one parent should be at home to look after them (when they are young at the very least) not send off to a nursery. I know that a really difficult for many women who would love to stay at home due to needing the money for the basics and I think that’s a really sad state of affairs. However, a young child just wants their mum (or dad, but usually mum). They don’t give a crap about the fact that ‘mummy needs to have a career darling’ at age 2.
I honestly don’t know why someone would choose to have children if they don’t intend to see them develop and grow day by day- to see the milestones in fine tuned detail. It’s the greatest privilege and no way would I want another person outside our family bringing my kids up for hours every day each week? If I had had to do that I would be devastated that I had missed so much.
Yes my DH is a great parent but historically a much less involved one than me as he’s at work full time so simply not around in their lives as much- this isn’t so stark now as they are older, up later and out of the house more anyway, but when they were pre schoolers in bed by 7pm - he doesn’t get home until 8pm so they wouldn’t see him sometimes for days. Yes of course he was less of an involved parent- how could he not be when he didn’t see them due to work? I wouldn’t say he was ‘less’ of a parent at all- he does most of the providing for us! It’s just different roles.
Education is extremely important and this is the same for my kids boy or girl. My boys are taught to give utmost respect to women. My husband is full involved in all ‘house’ jobs at weekends - we all pitch in. No one is getting served or waited on. I worked in a profession requiring a degree before I had kids. May well go back to the same one once they are older or may work in a completely different field part time. Not sure. I already set up my own business that works around school hours to earn extra and still be around for them every school pick up and drop off.
So it’s not just as black and white as have baby - no point in education. I do just believe that it’s really important for a young child to have one main caregiver parent. It’s only a few short years after all and 0-5 is so incredibly important with far reaching life long consequences.

Girls or boys with SAH mums don't necessarily only see their mums doing 'care' tasks though. I think some people think being a SAHM makes women into Cinderella! These kids see their mums doing lots of things - helping out at their school maybe; charity work or voluntary. I used to help out at DD's ballet class as a friend ran it. Even though I'm a SAHM, I'm often doing admin type work relating to properties we rent. It changes all the time. Kids don't really think like that and they don't only value money and who earns what. If your husband respects you and your kids see you happy, they won't grow up thinking 'caring' is 'lesser.' They will see many, more nuanced, routes to happiness and ways to live.

So football takes up 4/7 once a week plus weekend so dh/someone needs to be home for other 2

Can anyone in the team share with you. So you take dd and friend and back home for 5ish

And other parent collect your dd and their child and drop off to you for 7

If she is good at it then great but means will have to drop hockey

Swimming lesson intensive is better and sounds like your 4yr needs to build confidence in water - if she has been doing lesson since little and still can't swim , maybe look at a diff teacher

Yes a nanny may take most of you salary (and Hope your means you and dh) not just you

But worth it to be less stressed

And continues to propagate the unfair system, props up the patriarchy and inequality for women. It's my opinion and appreciate not for everyone. I am all for people having choice though if you really want to stay at home power to you. However it bugs me to see how many women on here come on to say they've been cheated on by their partner and feel powerless and they have zero financial capability having been a SAHM for years and lost confidence in the workplace. They then feel forced to stay in a miserable and unhappy marriage 'for the kids' when actually this damages them to see an unhappy and unequal relationship role modelled. So I think it only works as long as your efforts are truly appreciated and seen as equal to the other parent earning the money. Plus it puts a lot of pressure on that other parent who has to do the earning. Don't get me wrong, I've done both and being a SAHM parent is harder in my opinion but obviously depends on what you do!

Why do people who want others to SAHMs always seen so convinced that the main expenses in family life are likely to be "things" - electronics devices, cars etc.?

Most people who work are trying to afford expensive housing, save enough to help their children go through uni and get on the housing ladder at some point (rather than letting them be Generation Rent with a debt millstone round their necks), and save enough to avoid poverty in old age.

Productivity is stagnant, society is aging, we are all living longer than ever and it's not clear whether there will be much in the way of a state pension for us, the costs of housing and similar things keep going up.

It's not as simple as "Stop buying new shiny things, you materialistic drone."

It generally teaches sons that caring is a woman's role and daughters to become SAHM's themselves. There are obviously exceptions but that's what a large study says are the likely outcomes.

…or offering their own experience in the hope it helps OP? I don’t think anyone has said it’s not hard, but I’ve seen lots of people suggesting things that could be done to make it easier.

Personally I think OP needs to decide who and what is going to compromise. Options could be: the cleanliness/tidiness of the house/(some of) her DCs activities/her career/their bank balance or a combination. None of that may sound particularly appealing but it sounds like something has to give.

I'm a lone parent working full time with no domestic help (up until last week when I was made redundant) I don't find it difficult to be honest. I would finish work early on a Friday and then come home and take care of all the cleaning.

The voting polls are always interesting on threads like this, because most people agree it’s really hard and carry on doing their best, while the thread fills up with bossyboots telling the OP how to do it, which usually involves bossing the husband and kids around …

YANBU!

I’d disagree @Purplefoxes I think teaching sons that caring is to be valued is hugely important. I hate the ‘just mum at home sets a bad example’ - a bad example of what, nurture? I have two sons who really value me and as recently a SAHM they can see first hand that those qualities of kindness, every day care and attention are just as important as bringing home the bacon. My oldest son got a job recently in an old people’s home, he’s so great at it and he says it’s partly because he got first hand the idea that care is really important.