That two parents working doesn’t work

I found working 5 days a week, private school where they do all activities on it, no activities during the week and one at the weekend plus a cleaner 4 hours two days a week and a lady who irons weekly is the only way. It is expensive? It’s crazy. But I am rewarded by my job, I am doing a career, I am saving a pension and my kids go to an excellent school, plus I would be super frustrated in being a SAHM and wasting all the schooling I went through (master, phd) and my managerial capabilities. I am a better manager than a better mum, so I give the kids love and the rest I leave it to people who are professionals. Also I cook every week the same menu! Other families I know who chose state schools, have nannies who drive kids to activities, tutors to bridge the academic gap and same amount of cleaning/ironing help.
no one can do it all, it depends on your preference of working vs staying at home and how much you can afford

You have to let some things go, work or activities and accept that you can’t be on top of everything, do everything; prioritise and let go of you can’t do.

I wouldn’t quick my job though in the current market.

If your day off in the week is taken up with swimming lessons then that is the obvious thing to drop. 4 and 1 year old do not need swimming lessons. You can kick that can down the road for at least a few years, and just go swimming sometimes as a family/on holiday.

We both work in big jobs & have two young kids. I have a cleaner, a nanny and very low domestic standards. Couldn't do it without one of those three things!

We're all winging it, don't be hard on yourself. It's not easy! My house it not tidy all the time. We have a mountain of crap but once a week I make them take it up to their room but they just stuff it in boxes. I constantly have piles of washing around the house. It's never ending. Some days it's tidy for a few hours but it's relentless. I often spend my day off cleaning and it stays tidy until tea time. I do sort out every now and again but that's a full day lol. Sounds like you've got a lot going on. X

But you aren't allowed to find maternity leave or being a SAHM boring or dreary of course. 🙄

DH and I both work full time and have 2 DC, 5 and 9z. DH works shifts so either does days or nights. I work Monday- Friday, 9-5. When DH is on nights he does school run and most pick ups, we have a CM for 1 pickup a week and my mum does another day. House gets cleaned top to bottom most Saturdays but if we've got things planned on a weekend then I'll do more in the week or just leave it to the following week. I Hoover every other day regardless and always clean kitchen, make beds etc daily. Kids activities are minimal, just football on a Sunday morning and swimming one night a week. It's tough and imagine a 3rd child would push me over the edge but I've lowered my standards around the house just accept this is life with young children. We just muddle through really, I can't give what I used to at work for now but I've paid my dues and it is getting easier at the kids grow. I know I'll get back to who I was eventually.

No, it doesn't work. With two or three younger kids, you need at least one person to be on somewhat reduced hours, and probably somewhat flexible as well.

Or, you need to outsource things besides childcare, but that requires more earnings which at some point won't pencil out. Plus you begin to wonder, what's the point?

I have no desire to martyr myself for the sake of a dreary career and to look like I’m financially contributing while running myself into the ground. I made it very clear to my now husband on our third date that I wanted to be a housewife and mother. It didn’t frighten him off and here we are ten years later with a loving marriage, a truly loved and wanted child and I work hard in the house homeschooling and taking care of my family.

That’s nice for you but some of us actually enjoy our careers,

I hate this narrative on here and elsewhere that mothers who work are just pretending to enjoy their careers, like we are just play acting. Some of us a) like working and b) have to work.

Please give yourself a break. You've only just returned to work, you need some time to get used to the transition period before you find a routine. Also your life will be messy. There's no point in stating otherwise. Don't compare yourself with people. Your situation is not the same as another person's (even if they have the same number of kids as you). If it helps make a list of 3-5 things that are important to you as a family. If you hit those 3-5 over the course of a week then you're doing grand e.g. adventure, security, health, loved (if you've got decent food into them, they know they're safe and loved whilst in childcare, you spend a bit of quality time with each). That way when things get too much you can remind yourself that 'sure the house looks like a bomb site but it's not one of my priorities in life so that's that'. Be nicer to yourself!! It's hard! But try to remember why you decided to have 3 kids and keep hold of that!

Doesn't work for us,
If we work the same shifts, then childcare and transport to DDs school and dog walking cancels out one of our wages, and the house is a state. No one wins there.

If we do opposite shifts, I'm leaving before he gets home and he will often need to leave late for work when I arrive home at 6am- 6:15. I don't get to sleep until DS has a nap in the day. I run myself into the ground to make it work and it still feels like in absolutely failing as the nights are when I do bulk of cleaning, washing etc and no one picks up that slack.

Whilst the youngest is young, I will not be working full time. I'll find small projects to keep money coming in to pay for holidays etc but consistent full time work does not and will not work for both of us

Yanbu

virtually same situation in our family. I was constantly on the go either working, housework or ferrying dc. Had cleaner etc like you. But a year after being back after dc3 I burntout and started loosing my hair from stress. My very understanding boss let me reduce my hours and now my youngest is going to school I’m thinking of upping them a bit but not to a full 4 days yet anyway.

personally that was the best option for me but if you can’t/don’t want to do that you need to look at what else you can outsource or let go of for a while.

I have binned full time work as of this week. 2 boys aged 9 and 11. I am married and both of us worked full time through it all until now.
However , over the past few months both boys need real needed help with schoolwork or emotionally and each have own challenges. And I felt like my relationship with DH was fading. Working until 6pm and again after they have gone to bed no longer works.
I loved the financial security of working FT and thought it was hard to juggle, I didn’t feel that they missed out on much , maybe some guilt at long nursery days and after school clubs and fewer play dates . 2 working parents allowed numerous weekend breaks and lovely days out on a whim. But right now they do need me and I am done with prioritisating my career, pension etc over my children’s needs. Will be poorer but hopefully no regrets and time to work FT in few years. My role is unforgiving as part-time. (basically expected to work FT in PT hours) so going for a complete change.
so excited.
I think what I am saying to OP, sometimes it works and sometimes not and I think you know what is right for you and when.

I agree with you OP it doesn’t work when you’ve got young kids. I have one and find it hard!!! My health is dire since having a baby and working. Aren’t we supposed to be ‘having it all’??? I feel like I’m having nothing properly and being used by everyone… good luck to you, I don’t know what the answer is because truth is capitalism doesn’t value mothers. X

You are completely right, I wouldn’t have been able to do it at all if I didn’t have a salary that could pay for it.

I would have had to give up work.

But my point regarding a live in nanny still stands. It’s often cheaper than 2 or 3 kids in nursery and they can do other stuff to stay on top of life admin as well as get your kids to activities, play dates etc.

Should add - or lots of family help. Which we do not have.

I honestly think it’s only doable by heavily outsourcing. Meal delivery, cleaner multiple times a week (even better a housekeeper), gardener, nanny for wrap around/pick ups/holidays/child free time.

Which all obviously requires high earnings and needing to work even harder at your ‘day job’. And being able to run your home like a small business with various staff.

pros and cons to this just as much as there is to being a SAHP, and everything in between - you have to work out what is sustainable for you and your family. Good luck OP, you’re definitely not alone feeling this way.

That all sounds good if you have the household income to afford it. But ordinary families on ordinary salaries, sometimes below average salaries, need solutions too. That don't involve outsourcing.

I hear you. Let's face it, ithese days, n most families where both adults work FT, it's no longer affordable to be able to outsource everything or get an au pair as often happened when I was young in the 80s. Most families that I knew had either a SAHM or a mum who worked PT. I didn't know any dads who had the "home" role but definitely in the 80s for working class or middle class families there was usually someone around for some of the week or some of the day. It was virtually unknown for both parents to be working FT and for children to be in wraparound care. In the families I knew where both parents worked FT then there was a nanny or an au pair involved or a grandparent who lived in the house who did the "home" role.

I agree, it's not a question of not having the motivation. I have the motivation, I don't like a messy house, and I like everything organised, but I just don't have the bloody ENERGY. I haven't got it in me at the end of my day and neither has DH. When my hours were slightly reduced during COVID, I had the time and more energy and my house was pristine. I'm just not buying it that I'm not organised enough. I don't want to be running round from 6am literally all day till 10pm when I flop into bed. I don't get breaks in work and I'm exhausted when I get home. I'm not a robot and I need some downtime and to have a life that doesn't involve paid work /cooking /shopping/cleaning/gardening/laundry/tidying./exercising my exhausted body and ferrying kids here and there.

The last few years have been extra hard in terms of work, and I do feel we pay our kids less attention. They probably don't mind much now as they're late teens but still, I feel we're less close and I know less about their lives, which makes me sad. I WANT to be there when they come in from school and have had a shit day and want to talk it through with someone. I don't WANT them to go straight on the PC and take refuge in online gaming and then ignore me when I DO come in and ask how they are. THe natural moment to talk things through has passed for them.

In short, no, we fucking CAN'T have it all anymore. We've been sold down the swanee.

It’s really hard when they are young. We both had big jobs in the city and the only way I managed it was by outsourcing everything that wasn’t fun and having a live in nanny (then later au pair when they were both in school).

A live in nanny is a much cheaper childcare solution than multiple nursery places if you have the room. It was the nanny’s responsibility to rotate clothes, kids laundry, sort out toys and take to charity shop etc. cook and clean for the kids, food shop for the kids.

I had an ironing service, a gardener, and a house-keeper 2 full days per week.

I also made sure my commute was within half an hour and I was always home by 6.30 at the latest even if that meant working after they were in bed.

Nearly all my salary went on outsourcing and it was still difficult. Felt guilty most of the time.

But I don’t regret it. Once they were a little older, it gradually got better and I love that I managed to keep my career and have a family.

Is this living? It sounds awful. When do you have time to breathe let alone think? When do you just enjoy your children?

I have no desire to martyr myself for the sake of a dreary career and to look like I’m financially contributing while running myself into the ground. I made it very clear to my now husband on our third date that I wanted to be a housewife and mother. It didn’t frighten him off and here we are ten years later with a loving marriage, a truly loved and wanted child and I work hard in the house homeschooling and taking care of my family.

If you can afford it, stay home and enjoy your family and let them enjoy a frazzle free life with a happy mother. As the children grow older you can always return to work.

I completely sympathise, we have 2 children and a dog and sometimes I feel ontop of it and other times not. It's the life "admin" that gets me.

For us, it made sense for me to go down to 3.5 days a week and to not go for a promotion for now which means me job is easier/less stressful; husband is full time but has busy and quiet patches. We both WFH part of the time. Could one of you reduce a few of your hours, or you both WFH more, or one of you give yourself the ok to take your foot of the gas career wise? Is there anymore jobs you can afford to outsource - you mentioned you have a cleaner but worth thinking if there is anything else?

Also, for your older two, do they help? Could you get them to start? Mine didn't really, and the place was always covered in stuff. I now expect them to help more (they are 4 and 6) and they do. They get £2 each at the end of the week if they have helped lots without moaning about it.

This is why we stopped at two. When I saw the sheer amount of work that two involved, I couldn't imagine adding in a third one. I'd be over capacity like you are.

Single parent here of 2. I manage with a weekly cleaner who tidies as well as cleans. I batch cook for 2/3 days a time. I'm lucky as I wfh but have a very busy role so no real quiet periods. I also accept that as long as I'm about 80% there, it's fine. So the house isn't perfect etc but it's OK. I genuinely can't see how you can't manage with two people sharing the load.

I do all cooking, shopping and life admin as well as drop off.
DH does all pick ups and cleaning.
We share washing/clothes putting away etc
Limit DS to only three extracurricular activities a week.

Works well for us