That two parents working doesn’t work

Does that mean single parents shouldn't be expected to work?
Just curious because there is a big expectation that lone parents work from when a child is three now. I work four days and am often asked won't I go full time since I am struggling financially. It's funny how this is expected of a single parent but not a married couple and yet the married couples usually have support with cleaners etc too.

All I can say is it does get better. I had twins and worked 9.00 to 5.30 five days a week. Luckily I worked just 20 minutes away. I dropped them to breakfast club before work and picked them up from after school club after work. Then I would cook dinner for all of us, hubby (who also worked full time) would clear up and wash up and by the time that was all done and the twins put to bed, it was about 9pm by which time I was completely knackered. There were also evening ballet classes and Saturday swim classes. It was a constant hamster wheel and by Friday the house was like a bombsite with mountains of laundry to be done so weekends were spent getting the house back in order. (we didnt have a cleaner). Looking back I am amazed how I kept going but somehow you just manage to find the energy (I had my twins at 48!). Our annual holidays were an absolute godsend though and made it all worthwhile as I didnt lift a finger. Once they start their secondary school they are way more self-sufficient and the pace is more manageable.

a great dad because he knew he had a partner who had agreed to stay at home with the children. Why would he not be great dad? It would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed

Would it, really? Because you know, I had it in reverse, DH was a SAHD. Let me tell you, not a single person called me a great mum for doing that, and I was way more hands on than your DH at the time.

There is no magic solution for single parents and indeed for many partnered parents who absolutely have to both work to make ends meet. As I’ve said upthread, it’s a sad state of affairs as many would love to spend more week days with their young kids but can’t which I think is very wrong- there should be that choice.
Single parents, I just think are amazing for keeping it all going. It must be incredibly tough.

Because the kids were very small and went to bed early! DH needs to work in our nearest city for his job and wasn’t home sometimes until after 6:30 /7 which meant the kids were in bed. As they grew older, this wasn’t the case as much.
someone needs to work don’t they? Why can’t it be the man if that’s what’s agreed?
ive said it before but I guess I’ll have to repeat- a great dad because he knew he had a partner who had agreed to stay at home with the children. Why would he not be great dad? It would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed so your sexist narrative you keep trying to ram down everyone’s throats doesn’t hold here I’m afraid.

Wow, what a horrible and unhelpful response!

@PurpleWisteria1 so you're speaking from your experience of what you have seen in a very specific and rarified environment involving very rich people. You do know most of us are not like that? We work ordinary jobs. We prioritise seeing our children. We put ourselves second to their wellbeing all. The. Time.

It is incredibly offensive to be told we can't do it just because there are women on this thread who cannot. I fully accept that it is much harder now than it was when my DC were young - we get more free childcare, but the childcare we pay for is much more expensive. But I know couples who get it done and make it work every single day. We exist. Accept it and stop slating us.

@Beezknees indeed.

@PurpleWisteria1 what would you like single parents to do? What is your magic solution? I’m interested to hear how you square this circle.

I presume then you think it's acceptable for a single parent to not work and live on benefits until their child starts school?

I guess when you just feel strongly that it’s in the best interest of the child it’s hard to stay silent.
There are many different factors at play, but I have worked as a teacher in an area where it was common for both parents to work full time in high paying professional jobs. The parents of the children I taught often hired nannies. Sometimes the nanny would stay only 1 term. Sometimes a year or two. Many children were so insecure, missed their parents, got unnaturally excited about seeing their mum on Friday as they hadn’t seen her all week and she was actually picking them up from school for the first time that term. It was just sad and distressing to watch. Those kids would be adults now. I hope it was all worth it and they turned out ok.

OP, I have 4 kids. I have worked full time throughout and so has my DH. At one point, I had 3 kids under the age of 4. It has not been easy but it has been very much worth it. I value my kids, and my career. We have predominantly used nurseries and we didn't have any family nearby to help. We do have a weekly cleaner though.

You absolutely, 100%, HAVE to rationalise the out of school activities. They are what's making it so hard to manage your situation. I have read your replies that say that you can't or won't do this - that is your choice. But it is certainly what I would do before I cut working hours or considered leaving my job! Swimming lessons etc. REALLY won't matter in the long run, your careers and your current wellbeing really will.

I can’t help thinking would they actually rather I was there to pick them up from school or could volunteer for a school trip.

I actually asked mine this evening, inspired by this thread. That what would you choose, we move from our nice house to a modest flat, cancel family holidays and sorry, no basketball camp this year - but, but, next time yu go to a museum with your class, I can come with you! Oddly they voted for maintaining status quo. I guess this must mean the poor poppets are permamently damaged by being farmed out to strangers. They claim to be happy and to love me but surely that can't be.

@PurpleWisteria1

A actually think saying a woman can be a fabulous full time hands on mum and be a fantastic dedicated employee is sexist.

You what now?

I’m a dedicated single mum and a dedicated employee. I’ve been promoted three times in five years. Why should my ability to either do my job or parent my child be sexist?

Completely incorrect.
chances of having identical twins is
1 in 250
Chances of having any type of twins is 1 in 30. Even higher if you are over 35, white or black skinned, or if you have been pregnant before, which you have.

A actually think saying a woman can be a fabulous full time hands on mum and be a fantastic dedicated employee is sexist. Massively downgrades and makes inferior the role of mum and child care.

It really doesn't. All it does is say that different women have different talents and aptitudes. It acknowledges that there is not one single correct way to raise children and that this is with a mother always at home; it accepts that there are many ways of raising children that result in well adjusted, happy, functional adults.

It's 2023 and we're still having SAHMs needing to denigrate those of us who work... Why?

If you quit your job and lived off the state I bet they'd have something to say too. Can't win it seems.

Yet you say your husband was a “great dad”…..who didn’t see his kids for days on end? Hypocrisy strikes again. What was stopping him moving to a job in his field with shorter more flexible hours? Most professions don’t just have 1 job title at 1 company that you can. The mental gymnastics to tell off women yet praise men for the same thing!

I did have a chuckle at the poster who said if you dropped dead, work would replace you without a second thought. Widowers also move on far more quickly - it wouldn’t just be work replacing the wife!

It is not possible to be both a great mum and a great employee with young children.

Do you also think men can't be both good fathers and good employees? If not, why?

@Beezknees

It just interests me how some people think 2 parents working is impossible but a lone parent is expected to do it plus do all housework and childcare alone and if they don't work and claim benefits they are "lazy."

Tbh this whole thread makes me wonder if I have been living in a parallel universe or if someone wound the clock back to about 1954.

All these people struggling to raise kids in a nuclear family and urging everyone to pack their jobs in. Some of us just have to crack on.

I couldn’t care less how people run their families but being told I “farm out” my kid because I put food on her table has made me fucking murderous.

A actually think saying a woman can be a fabulous full time hands on mum and be a fantastic dedicated employee is sexist. Massively downgrades and makes inferior the role of mum and child care.

The odds are like 1 in 250. It is rare.

Oh right. Best hope your next isn’t twins then. It well could be- not as rare as you think. Happened to me.

It is not possible to be both a great mum and a great employee with young children. Possible exception is if you have a fabulous full time live in nanny plus a cleaner several times a week.

What a load of utter tosh. I was a bloody great mum when the DC were little. I was bloody good at my job too. Sweeping sexist statements like these serve women so badly.

I find it interesting that someone said “kids just want to be with their parents”. Kids also want sweets for dinner and to play Fortnite for hours, even though it’s not what’s ultimately best. Both parents working and being able to provide their children more than the absolute basics will set them up for the rest of their life, which will be ~83 years. Being able to support them through uni and financially is really valuable in the age of inflation, crazy house prices and probably no state pension soon.

Both my parents worked and I’m glad they did. My mum was a good role model of a woman in STEM, and financial support meant I had no uni loans, which meant I got a good job and could save up for a deposit really easily without student debt. I know a lot of SAHMs say “my daughters can be what they want to be”, but when you’re modelling a female role of unpaid care work and demonstrating that your career takes a backseat to your husband’s, that message sort of falls flat - it’s like “do as I say, not as I do”.