Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won't visit me

39 replies

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 16:26

I moved 2 years ago with DC age 6. We live about 12 miles from my mother. She has visited once, and I had to collect her. She says she can't drive on the road to me. I admit it is a heavy single road, lots of lorries etc. But she was prepared to let me drive on it to collect her and take her home.

Mother recently got her bus pass and said she'd come on the bus. She cancelled that morning saying she couldn't use the bus because of her IBS.

I'm single and don't have much money to keep travelling. My DC is very upset that nan doesn't visit as her cousins get to see her.

Recently my uncle (mum's brother) was diagnosed with cancer and has just finished treatment. Mother has made plans to visit him on the train and bus (after her husband has offered to drive her).

Am I being unreasonable to feel a little bit miffed that she's able to make that trip, but not come to see us?

I have ASD and am struggling to understand mother's reasoning.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
neilyoungismyhero · 10/07/2023 02:16

I'm 71 and just come back from driving in Cornwall down the A30 and M5, other pps are right your mum has some sort of issue.

FictionalCharacter · 10/07/2023 02:10

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 16:30

It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it. As for travelling by train, there's toilets. Unfortunately this should have been thought/talked about before you moved.

Jeez, another thing blamed on the menopause? I'm over 60, many years post menopausal, a very confident driver, and I travel all over the place by bus, train and plane. On my own. In fact I've become more confident in every way as I've got older. My older female workmates are the same.
I have IBS too. Doesn't stop me travelling.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 09/07/2023 23:41

Could it be less about the driving and more about her being upset that you've moved "away"? You have to visit her to prove that you're the diligent, loving daughter?

Has she always treated you differently to your sisters or is this new?

70sTomboy · 09/07/2023 19:34

CopperSeahorses · 09/07/2023 19:13

It stings doesn't it. My mother hasn't visited me for over 20 years and expects me to drop everything to drive to hers where I am not allowed in any room but the kitchen (and sometimes not in the house at all). I don't go any more. I would never do it to my kids, menopause or no menopause.

I usually have to stand in her tiny kitchen. Her 'DH' is usually in the front room watching tv glowering at me for visiting

SayHi · 09/07/2023 19:13

Maddy70 · 09/07/2023 18:01

12 miles... Tell her to get a taxi

Why should she spend money on a taxi though when OP drives and is the one wanting to see her more often.

My mum rarely visits me because I have other siblings and so we go there as it’s central and it doesn’t matter if she’s seeing me because my sister can still see her without driving all the way to mine.

CopperSeahorses · 09/07/2023 19:13

It stings doesn't it. My mother hasn't visited me for over 20 years and expects me to drop everything to drive to hers where I am not allowed in any room but the kitchen (and sometimes not in the house at all). I don't go any more. I would never do it to my kids, menopause or no menopause.

magicofthefae · 09/07/2023 18:40

Sorry sounds like just excuses to me.

RandomMess · 09/07/2023 18:20

TBH it sounds like her energies go into your Sister and her child and there is nothing left for you.

Basically favouritism.

iatealltheminieggs · 09/07/2023 18:12

Do you live near anywhere of interest to her or in the middle of nowhere?

The reason I ask is because my MiL won't drive the 8 miles to our house because there is nothing around us that she can coincide with a visit. Therefore, a "wasted journey". Whereas she'll drive the 30 miles to SiL no problem because she can go to Ikea and Costco whilst there and have lunch in a nice cafe or restaurant.

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 18:05

@Ponoka7, I didn't make the sweeping generalisation that women past menopause couldn't drive far.

Maddy70 · 09/07/2023 18:01

12 miles... Tell her to get a taxi

blahblahblah1654 · 09/07/2023 17:53

I'd be upset too. Exotically as she's able to get about on public transport to see other people! Menopause isn't an excuse in this situation.

pointythings · 09/07/2023 17:51

@Ponoka7 OP's mother drives to see other people and travels by public transport to see other people. It isn't good enough that she just says she can't travel to see OP.

And if you develop anxiety, you seek support to overcome that anxiety. You owe it to yourself to not shrink your life down as you get older, isolation is unhealthy. I have every sympathy for people who struggle with their mental health - two of my DC do - but I don't have a lot of time for people who won't even try to help themselves feel better.

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 17:47

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 17:08

What rubbish. I'm 62 in a month and drive all over the country. I often do a 200 mile journey to visit sisters in Deven and 150 miles to visit MiL and son in Yorkshire. I'm always driving foster son around little country roads for cricket matches. You are still a normal person after the menopause and able to do normal things.

Show quote history

The whole menopause campaigning started a couple of years ago and celebrities speaking out about their anxiety completely passed you by then? Like puberty and pregnancy, not every woman's menopause and its symptoms will be the same.

Original poster
Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:46

I understand DM reasons, but if she can travel by train and bus to see her brother, it sounds like excuses to me. Plus, she happily drives to my sisters. DM used to drive us around the UK as kids, we went to so many places. I think she has lost some confidence after retiring. Maybe I could suggest the driving courses to her. Does anybody know where I might find this?

OP posts:
SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:45

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

This is perhaps why she can’t visit you because she’s looking after your sisters child.

If her DH is working and she’s not then I assume during the week she makes his meals and spends time with him like other couples do.

Have you spoken to her about it?

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 17:38

luckylavender · 09/07/2023 16:39

Rubbish excuses

Show quote history

Not excuses, reasons. So she's just expected to shit herself?

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 17:35

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 16:42

@Ponoka7 'It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it.'

WTF? I'm 57 and I have never known any woman that this has ever happened to!

I don't know if it was menopause or just age but I'm nothing like as confident as I used to be

I'd do that journey with no issues however

DappledThings · 09/07/2023 17:32

12 miles? That's a local popping out. My mum is 76 and happily takes her half of the 240 miles it takes to get to me. She's never done it entirely alone but 2 years ago she did central London to home (150 miles) solo when my dad temporarily couldn't drive.

Has she always been a nervous driver or is this new?

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 17:28

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

Ok, so seeing this, your mum is being a dick, sorry.

If she can drive 8 miles to collect one grandchild, then 8 miles back and look after her all day, then it's nonsense that she can't drive 12 miles ever to see you. Blaming the road type. When there's a bus she can take for free as well. Really.

Original poster
Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/07/2023 17:23

I'd want to see some data before believing the menopause excuse - I'm 55 and I drive all over the place, including lengthy runs to Plymouth and back where my DS is at university.

If you lose confidence driving, the answer is to boost your confidence by getting some refresher lessons, not by indulging in avoidance and making your world smaller.

LorraineInSpain · 09/07/2023 17:13

I don’t understand your mother’s reluctance to visit, but if it’s only 12 miles and you drive then how often do you go and see her?

My parents visit me much more than I visit them, because the travelling is easier from their perspective than mine.

RoseBucket · 09/07/2023 17:13

Yes that’s poor, it’s what 15 minutes in a car or taxi, why can’t her husband drive anyway so you not get on?

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:10

Gently, I think YABU.

I do understand what you’re saying and I’d feel a bit upset too but you chose to move away and it’s not fair that she’s the one having to pay out just to come and see you.

There is obviously a reason she’s not coming and I do think the drive is anxiety based.

I know someone who can only drive to certain areas and it really does have an impact on her life. She can’t change jobs or go to a different supermarket because they’re the only two places she can go.

If you have ASD then chances are so does she and travelling might be a real issue for her.

If you drive then going 12 miles to visit her isn’t a big deal and it means your DCs get to see their cousins too.