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Original poster

Would you find this offensive? *Trigger Warning*

110 replies

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 12:14

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

OP posts:
eatdrinkandbemerry · 09/07/2023 18:21

I would have instantly asked her if she was always such an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

x2boys · 09/07/2023 18:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Ah so you work with people with disabillitirs m aYou are not a,parent of a child with disabilities then and it absolutely shows ,you don't have the worry of what's going to happen to.your disabled child when your no longer there
You can go.home and not have care for your disabled child 24 hours a day and fight for everything they need
You need to check your own privilege🙄

MissingMoominMamma · 09/07/2023 18:18

For those who are saying the OP is overreacting, would this have been ok to say if the baby’s parent had been the one holding the photograph up for this woman to see? If not, what was the difference here?

x2boys · 09/07/2023 18:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

I'm actually finding you pretty offensive tbh,trying to make out that disabilities are al! Sunshine and roses 🙄

kayserah · 09/07/2023 18:13

Yes I would find it offensive and like you wouldn’t have wanted to cause a scene but would contact them privately to call them out on this horrendous remark

x2boys · 09/07/2023 18:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Ate you the parent of a,child with disabilities ?
Because I am and let me tell.you its not all.sunshine and roses and there are many negative aspects to it
That's not to.say most parents don't love their children unconditionally but lets not pretend its a,walk in the park.

Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 18:02

Tinkerbyebye · 09/07/2023 12:40

Yes I would find it very offensive, and would go out of my way not to meet that person again

Exactly.

Find some better friends OP.

FuckOffTom · 09/07/2023 18:00

My older brother has DS
I wouldnt have been offended as such but would definitely thought the person saying it was a prize twat.

Iwasafool · 09/07/2023 17:57

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:46

I’m not sure I would judge the other women at the table as sometimes people can laugh nervously or because they’re so taken back.

That's very true. The OP didn't feel able to tackle it, understandably, so wouldn't be fair to judge others without knowing why they were laughing.

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/07/2023 17:57

If such a thought went through my head, my brain would immediately say "STFU, don't say that put loud Theo".

And if I did somehow say that put loud, I'd expect people to be horrified and think badly of me.

The fact that neither of those things happened, says a lot about your friends.

Porageeater · 09/07/2023 17:54

Ffs the comments on here. OP if you as the parent of a child with a genetic disorder found this upsetting then it is offensive. It is obvious to me why you found it upsetting as it was nasty and unnecessary and these people should be mortified. And I’m gen x.

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/07/2023 17:50

They sound like a right bunch of c*nts.

Back away slowly.

Hopefully you'll find some less cunty and more tactful friends

Original poster
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 17:47

Tlolljs · 09/07/2023 17:39

I think it’s offensive. We’re the child’s parents present op?

Oh no the child’s parents certainly weren’t there. I highly doubt that would have been said if that was the case

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:46

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

You don't even know what generation op is. She could be anything from 16 to 46

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:46

I’m not sure I would judge the other women at the table as sometimes people can laugh nervously or because they’re so taken back.

JustDanceAddict · 09/07/2023 17:45

I’m Gen X and would certainly find this offensive - it’s obviously meant in a negative manner otherwise why say it. Never comment on a baby’s appearance except in a very positive manner.
I wouldn’t have cried though, more like a wtaf moment!

TeddySunflowers · 09/07/2023 17:45

My cousin had downs syndrome and he was such a lovely gentle sweet thing. He sadly died from cardiac complications about 15 years ago. I think it would depend on the delivery of the comment for me. If it was clearly meant to mock or insult I'd find it very distasteful but if I was more observational then I don't think it would offend me. There are physical features that commonly come hand in hand with chromosomal abnormalities (not always the case though), it's okay to acknowledge that so long as it's not discriminatory or cruel.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 09/07/2023 17:45

Callyem · 09/07/2023 17:43

Can't believe people are trying to turn it around to saying your reaction was ablist. It was CLEARLY a snarky comment designed to put the baby down and YANBU.

Me neither. People really do go through mental contortions to justify their prejudices.

nofluffsgiven · 09/07/2023 17:44

Yes you're right to be offended, it's a very tw*tty comment. I think some people just don't think before opening their mouths

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:44

pickledandpuzzled · 09/07/2023 16:38

Does he has Down's syndrome? No, he just has very round eyes... or whatever.

I used to foster, and the mum of a teenager with Downs commented that one of my babies looked as though he had Downs.

He doesn't, but probably does have a chromosomal difference.

I don't see the problem with the comment to be honest.

Unless it was said in a nasty way.

I think the outrage at pattern recognition is ridiculous.

I think tho there's a difference between stating he looks like he has downs syndrome as a kind of question / observation like the Mom did, and saying someone looks down-syndromey just for the sake of saying they look different to "typical" babies. It's the picking out something different with the baby just to make a noise in a room

Callyem · 09/07/2023 17:43

Can't believe people are trying to turn it around to saying your reaction was ablist. It was CLEARLY a snarky comment designed to put the baby down and YANBU.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 09/07/2023 17:40

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

ODFOD
I'm probably older than you and it's perfectly clear to me that it was an offensive, shitty, ignorant and ableist comment.
Bloody Daily Heil contingent.

Madrid67 · 09/07/2023 17:40

Yes it's offensive. Why would anyone say that? I'm not surprised it upset you and can totally understand why you didn't say anything at the time. Sometimes we can't get our thoughts together at the time someone says something unexpected and upsetting

Tlolljs · 09/07/2023 17:39

I think it’s offensive. We’re the child’s parents present op?

scoobydoo1971 · 09/07/2023 17:37

I would find that comment highly offensive. Amongst the long list of medical conditions I have been diagnosed with, one is neurofibromatosis. This is a chromosome disorder of genetic origin. It comes with similar learning disabilities as Down's syndrome. It hasn't stopped me running a business, raising a family or getting a doctorate. Some people assume chromosome disorders come with low intellectual functioning etc, but it isn't always the case. Don't let people get you down over your own child's diagnosis OP, as you never know the outcome with suitable intervention and support. As for the person making such a comment, I would assume they are very shallow and ignorant. A person to be pitied for thinking such low comments are humour.