Mum's, how do do it?

How do you know how they are feeling about parenting? I find the idea of judging them when you only go on how they look is odd really

@mummatam You are doing a brilliant job and your baby is still very little, as previous posters have said, and it is common to still feel utterly exhausted and unmotivated for quite a while with a new baby.

However, (and I say this with the utmost kindness), I think we need to be real here. By nearly 4 months most mums start to feel better and have more energy so I would check a couple of things. I had PND three times and there are signs.

Do you feel worse than you did a few weeks ago?
Is your postpartum health ok? No infections/tears/mastitis etc that aren’t healing?
Do you feel like socialising?

I’d highly recommend having a chat with Pandas. They’re an amazing charity with a helpline and email service for ANYONE struggling a bit postpartum, even if you don’t think you’ve got PND.

I disagree with PPs - I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to feel like this at 4 months. It’s common, but not normal, and from my experience, noticing the signs of PND early on is key to getting better quickly.

so many myths around parenting, motherhood. we're fed this idea that being a mum is easy, you can look gorgeous and well rested, have a great career and the perfect baby and be in great health. For many of us it simply isn't true (depending on our baby, how well it sleeps, our partner / support system, life and financial situation etc etc). As a LP I was utterly shattered and had bad PND for several years. still not sure I have the hang of it and still not looking perfect 10 years later lol! it does get easier but don't buy the myths about motherhood that you see on social media or others seem to put across etc etc. IME it's completely the opposite - a hard tough long slog that can be physically and mentally exhausting, not to mention the toll on the body!

I haven't had an hour to myself for 8 years now. I work so I suppose that's 'me time's but I've not browsed a shop or been able to sit in a cafe or watch a film etc.

15 weeks is still definitely in the “difficult early days” stage - honestly, that is why we have maternity leave! You aren’t meant to have time for anything else.

I did find that getting DH to do some stuff by himself, even when he was back at work, helped his bond, and also meant I could get an uninterrupted nap. He used to do the 6am feed and nappy change before going to work, which meant I could sleep through to 8am, and saved my sanity (I breastfed but we had to mix feed to start with due to prematurity, and then I carried on expressing so he could do one feed a day).

Once DS was over 6 months, I also used to go to the gym every Saturday morning - substitute going for a coffee/swim/walk if you aren’t a gym person. It was lovely to have a couple of hours to myself.

15 weeks is early days. Remember your body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth while mentally figuring out how on earth to care for a baby.
With subsequent babies parents already know how to care for the newest baby and the mum is familiar with recovery from birth. It's still hard in the early days but less of a shock.

Hello @mummatam congratulations! It's totally normal how you're feeling and I definitely the same. A baby turns your whole world upside down and it doesn't always feel like you have time for or even want to do what you previously did. My DD is about to turn 1, and it does get better once you get into a rhythm.
What helped us was getting DD into a (flexible) routine so that I could predict her eating and sleeping habits a little more. Also, once she hit about 5/6m she started to nap for longer stretches which leaves me now with a good two hours to myself in the middle of the day. Sometimes I go for lunch uninterrupted while she sleeps in the pram, clean the house or just stare at my phone 😂.
It's really okay that it feels this way to you at the moment as it's all very new and is such a huge change. You don't need to get dressed, do your hair or bake at the moment - there'll be so much time for this. Be kind to yourself lovely, I have no doubt you're an amazing mum and you'll start to feel more like yourself as time goes on.

You have a 15 WEEK old baby! A series of Strictly nearly lasts that long.

Give yourself a break OP! You’re doing brilliantly.

The shop browsing and you time will come back, I promise.

No one expects anything of you at the moment other than to enjoy the baby time and be gentle to yourself.

It might feel like it’s been ages but fifteen weeks is such a short time. It’s all so fresh. Babies are so different, as previous people have said. My first didn’t sleep and I hated hearing “sleep when the baby sleeps” when the hell is that supposed to be? I have four now and I’ve had good and bad sleepers, and good and bad feeders, those combinations really change how things play out.
My biggest piece of advice is to lower your expectations. If you want to let the laundry pile up and just sit and stare at a wall for a while, do that. If you feel like sleeping the moment your partner gets home, do that. Don’t expect to get more than one errand done in a day, if that.
And don’t compare yourself to other mums, we’re all just doing our best. Some dress up and look put together because it gives them a sense of control and agency, I definitely do sometimes. Give yourself some grace, you’re doing great.

You aren’t comparing like for like, I expect you are also comparing yourselves to mums with older children - other mums of 15 weekers are also equally knackered / overwhelmed / wondering when does it stop being so relentless. It does get easier (or at least you get slightly more sleep generally!)

But also, don't put pressure on yourself! When my baby was a few weeks old I looked like something that lived under a bridge and everyone else was dressed to the nines doing the grocery shop on the way back from giving birth at the hospital. I despaired at why I was such a mess. Looking back, I'm so glad I find that space to just be a mother recovering from birth and not under any pressure from society or myself. Personally, I feel much better when I'm up.and out, washed, dressed and made up but it took a while to get there.

It is doable and involves sliding certain things into your routine. This gets easier when you start coming out of the newborn fog. My tip is to slot your getting ready time into the early morning. From experience, if a certain time passes and I'm still in my pyjamas at lunchtime and the place is a mess etc, my entire outlook changes and my psychology is very defeatist and inert for the rest of the day. I work full time and have 3 kids, one of whom is just over a year old. We have no family support but I have found these things help me get my stuff together.

Leave my outfit for the next day out the night before.

While my husband dresses the baby in the morning, I have a very quick shower, but don't wash my hair.

I have a minimal make up routine which takes me minutes to do in front of a small mirror while my baby toddler around or has breakfast. Its takes such a short space of time but makes such a difference. I've a few accessories like nice dangle earrings and a watch which take 30 seconds to stick on. Bit of dry shampoo and hair in a quick 'work bun'.

While I was on maternity leave I slobbed around in track suit bottoms with wild hair and no make up and felt out of control. Once I had to be out of the house by 7.30am for work, I was amazed that I could do it! If you have managed to get yourself presentable in the morning, the rest of your mindset will shift and you will feel.more produ time all round.

After 6-7 months I found it much easier.

Now I have a 15 month old and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Toddler stage is no joke 🤣

Yes those days of having time to think or be on your own are gone now.

I still look and feel exhausted, and my kids are 3 and 1. I'm still waiting on some semblance of 'me' coming back. It's relentless when they're young, and what little time you do get, you're too tired to do anything. It won't be like this forever though x

Oh and @mummatam , stop comparing yourself to others. Stop wondering what you should be doing like them. Stay home with your little girl and watch Bluey together, believe me you’ll see yourself in a much better light.

Sleep if you need it. If you're well rested all the other stuff will likely follow. But do seek help if you feel like it's more than just lack of sleep making you feel this way. PND can manifest as losing joy and interest in things that you once had and just wanting to sleep all the time, so make sure to talk to your HV or GP if you feel like there's more going on.

I’m not going to say it gets easier because the toddler years are very hard, but you do get used to it. You get used to less sleep so you don’t need the naps anymore, and you get used to less you time meaning what you do get you really appreciate, even if it’s just sitting quietly for half an hour.

15 weeks in with a first baby?? You’re doing just fine, this is completely natural. I wish women were told exactly how much life changes after that first child, it hits you like a bus. Your entire sense of self changes. But over time you get back into it, your old self and new one. Can I ask if you’re breastfeeding? That absolutely wiped me out and I Bf for a collective 5 years! It was only when I fully stopped I started feeling a bit more human again.

15 weeks is nothing at all. Don't put pressure on yourself!

The people who are out looking great might have little ones who sleep through the night or home help or just have no choice to be up and out for school runs etc.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

When my son was that age, I basically did what I wanted to do but with him. So we'd go to the shops or to art galleries or meet up with one of my friends for lunch or lie on a blanket in the park or I'd stick him on the floor with some toys while I baked. For my mental health, showering/getting dressed was a non-negotiable too. After DS' first feed, I used to stick him back in his cot to roll around while I got ready.

Your body has just grown and birthed a baby. You are then the person this baby relies on after giving birth and being mentally and physically exhausted, you are doing night feeds and functioning in broken sleep. Your baby is still tiny. If you want to sleep....sleep! I promise you no mum ever feels like they have it together all the time. But it does get easier. You will start to feel more human and more in control soon. If you want to bake, pick something simple, get the ingredients in and give it a go when you are feeling up to it. Baby can sit and watch you or do it while they nap if you have a good napper? Or just tell your DH on a weekend your are taking an hour to do whatever it is you want that makes you feel more like you again. I used to go and read on the bed with a cup of tea, sometimes I'd fall asleep but just that bit of peace and a reset kept me going! If you feel like you are getting plenty of sleep and are still really tired, it could be worth checking your bloods btw I think iron levels can take a long time to come back up after birth so you might need a boost?

Every kid is different. When you have more than one the youngest has to fit into your lifestyle. My youngest slept through from 12 weeks which was in stark contrast to her brother and sister. I had to be put together in the mornings to do the hours walk to school when she was little. Plus she is child number 3 and I don't sweat the small stuff now. My first was a shock to the system and with 2 under 2 I was beyond knackered (neither child slept well).

Advice I would give is stop comparing yourself to other people. Have baby's bag packed the night before or get a stroller bag and go for a walk each morning even if it's only for a short period between feeds. Get a shower in the evening, before your partner goes to work or put baby in a bouncer and take that in the bathroom so they can see you and you can get showered and dressed quickly. If all you want is to sleep then when you get the chance do just that.

Parenting is overwhelming especially with a young baby. I found it all very overwhelming. I didn't feel confident as a parent until I had my second child (when my first was two!). I over thought everything with my first. Still overthink a lot now.

My kids are older now (8 and 10) and I look back and wonder why I found it so hard. But it is definitely easier when the kids get less dependent on you and they can communicate what they need so much easier.

It will get easier x