Boyfriend shouting

I’d look to leave and seek some counseling before getting into another relationship

Not because I think he is necessarily in the wrong 100% here but it’s not making you happy so leave

I would say though the counseling will be helpful as sometimes victims of abuse have difficulty gauging tone and levels of ‘shouting’ so he might not be that loud, so feels you might be exaggerating.

I had this with DH before he sought therapy, childhood abuse meant even the slightest raising of my voice, even in excitement he took as ‘shouting’ and got incredibly upset.

Many abusive men can be loving and kind, that’s how the attract and keep their partners. It’s too easy to think an abusive person is clearly horrible, but don’t be fooled into thinking that the good parts are worth it, run. He’s already broken your clear boundaries.

He's grooming you. He is another abusive boyfriend pretending to be lovely kind and caring

yoube some really well to recognise it. Keep your strength and leave him. Please

Bin him.

He's not lovely at all.

He knows you have had abusive partners before and he still won't stop shouting at you. He sees you flinching and says you are playing at being a victim.

You know hes grooming you, dont you? Don't accept his abuse. Leave him and don't look back. You are worth so much more than this

Don't accept this behaviour. He isn't going to change. Walk away.

He isn't lovely, kind, caring - he's a shouting intimidating man. Don't put up with this, I'd just end it right now and move on. He's had enough chances to stop this behaviour but he's ignored your boundaries and continued.

OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you but honestly also so glad you posted here while you’re not yet trapped and worn down by him!! He is not your husband, you’re still really young, no children - it’s the perfect time to learn this lesson…

Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle) don’t tell your boyf. This is going to be especially useful to you if you’ve been in a previous abusive relationship.

Future proof yourself now

(and leave your boyfriend - he is not lovely, kind, caring etc if he were he wouldn’t be shouting at you like this. Leave him to sort his issues out himself, don’t get dragged down).

Run - and run fast.

He is showing you how he handles stress / disagreement. And if this is how he is over just minor things, it won't improve if your relationship gets more serious. Imagine trying to navigate stressful situations together in the future like moving house, or having children, or infertility, or a family crisis. It will only get worse.

This is so sad for you given the length of your relationship. I’m so sorry you are being shouted at like this. I can’t bear being shouted at either. It presses a lot of buttons for me too. It’s good you don’t live together. Keep it that way.

He is disrespecting your memory of horrid past experience and disrespecting who you are now. Imagine him doing that in front of a small impressionable child. It would be so destructive.

I think, if you continue your relationship, that one day he will push you too far & you'll dump him.

For now, if you can’t bear the thought of finishing with him just yet, at least make sure you don’t start living permanently together under the same roof because for sure his shouting will really ramp up then. Just don’t.

It's going to get worse, not better, when he's facing more serious pressures.

Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel scared and sad

He might have many lovely qualities but this one matters to you and you have to listen to your own needs.

Is he hasn’t been able to control his volume despite you explaining and asking then he has self control issues and I would worry how much more this would escalate.

I think you need to seriously consider calling time on the relationship even though it might be hard and hurt.

You need to be very clear to him that shouting is a red line to you, that cannot be crossed. If he shouts at you then the relationship is immediately over. If he wants to be in a relationship with you then he cannot shout at you. And follow through if he does it just once more. If you allow people to cross your boundaries once then they will walk all over you.

We don't live together

^ That's the best thing you've written. Keep it that way, and better still just don't have him in your life full stop, as it can only get worse.

I’m so pleased he’s just a boyfriend. This is so far outside the boundaries of what is normal and acceptable. He needs to be a lm ex boyf.

No no no. You know where this is heading. Get out now...