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AIBU?

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Original poster

To call it quits.

42 replies

88Pandora88 · 05/07/2023 04:40

Hey everyone, this might get lengthy but I appreciate any insights given...
Been married to husband for 9 years. 2 dc, 8 and 3.

My parents bought a house for us to live in, initially paid rent to them for 5 or 6 years, (maybe bit more) then my parents stopped that and told me to put money into a savings account.

Admittedly not every month money went in and sometimes only a bit went into the account due to various reasons like childcare costs, bills etc.

After dc2, maternity pay wiped me out, 500 pm to cover what my usual wage did, I struggled massively. During this time I wasn't putting any money away.
Also covid hit around this time too, when returning to work I ended up isolating 3 times which impacted wages too.

Husband was putting approx 800 in joint account where most bills came from and food etc, however Ive always been the one to pay childcare, activities and little things like savings. I get most of birthday and Xmas presents for kids and relatives too.

After dc2 maternity, childcare was half my wages, costing approx 500 a month, rest of my wages went towards activities (swimming and gymnastics) paying off credit card etc.

(I'm getting there just felt background needed)

Fast forward to January. 30 free hours kicked in and nursery fees reduced somewhat but still costing 200. Husband brought up finances (can't remember why) and reduced how much he was putting in monthly, so I upped it and put 400 into account for bills, he reduced to 600, which due to everything costing a fortune, just covers everything, I still pay the nursery fees, activities etc so essentially fund alot more than he does.
I work minimum wage, he gets easily double what I do.
I've admitted I struggled for a few years with the rent and f**'d up with it, but now moneys settling, I'm able to put some a month away into that account, however that is literally my only savings so I do need to dip into it when things go wrong, eg car cost a grand to fix last month.
I feel like a massive failure and it gives me such anxiety it's unreal.

(almost there)
This month, husband had hissy fit, said he's not putting money in, eventually transfered 200, so now I'm to find 400 to top it up (which will be taken out of savings) purely so we can eat this month.

On top of the every day battles, this has finished me off.
I genuinely feel done.
I'm drained.
I feel I do everything, I do 90% (if not more) of household chores, I take kids to activities, he's maybe done this once since we have dc1.
I sort food shopping out, do school runs (using my break times at work)
Work almost same amount of hours he does (I work 4 day 9 hours a day, he does 5, 8 hours a day)
If something goes wrong with house, it's up to me to sort it.

I honestly don't know anymore.
We do get on, but I'm struggling. I feel the weight of everything is crushing me and often wonder if calling it a day with OH would help, I've previously looked into financial help and what I'd get would match what he used to provide.

The biggest thing stopping me calling it a day is children and how it could affect them.

If you made it this far you deserve a medal, but thanks. I guess I'm just after anyone to listen, help, tell me I'm the tw*t, tell me I'm not. Anything.

OP posts:
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Endlessdark · 07/07/2023 12:38

In a similar situation OP, if you are able to, get away now.

Theluggagerules · 07/07/2023 12:13

So glad you told him to go. You'll be better off without him, emotionally and financially

unsync · 07/07/2023 12:06

Good for you telling him to leave. Pack his bags and change the locks. CMS claim in ASAP. Stay strong.

LateAF · 07/07/2023 11:23

What a prick - let him go rent elsewhere in this economy. He had it good and didn't appreciate it. I'm glad you've chucked him out and I'm glad your parents own the house so your children won't have the upheaval of moving home.

You should also be able to get more universal credit without his income being taken into account - and should finally be able to save.

ChaToilLeam · 07/07/2023 11:19

Financial abuse. What a selfish pig he is.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/07/2023 11:17

I don't understand why people ever list childcare as a separate expense from the bills. To me, that is a household bill. If it were coming out of my wages, it would still be classed as coming out of the monthly pot. Just no physical money would be moved about.

I would be leaving dh if he reckoned he could get away with only paying 200 a month towards household expenses, especially if he was then leaving me to struggle and find an extra 400! You're supposed to be a team!

FreddieMercurysCat · 07/07/2023 11:00

Jesus wept OP! Your husband is a prize arsehole. I've just seen your update and I'm so glad you have asked him to leave. You'll be a lot better off. What an absolute twat of a financially abusive manchild.

Mama678 · 07/07/2023 10:54

So hes paying £200 a month now towards bills/childcare/food and activities?

RandomMess · 07/07/2023 10:36

He's been financially abusive and knows it.

He has deliberately kept you and the DC short on money so he can bully and chastise you. Tried to keep you pregnant and trapped.

The future without him is bright! He'll have to share his savings with you.

graygoose · 07/07/2023 09:15

OP I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. His demands are completely unreasonable and also, if I understand correctly, he lives rent and mortgage free in a property your parents bought for you. Does he not think perhaps he should been very grateful for that and maybe contribute more to the household expenses given that he doesn’t have to pay for the roof over his head?
I don’t normally like telling people to immediately leave their spouses when stuff arises but in this case it sounds like you were there already and understandably so. He will get a rude awakening when he has to fork out for child support plus rent on a one bed flat.
Best of luck OP xx

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 09:10

He’s a nasty spiteful pig there’s no such bludy thing as stealing in a family relationship marriage dynamic the only thing there definitely is, is financial abuse that he’s clearly put you through for years the silly prick!

Well done op it’s quite nice and refreshing to see a woman have the upper hand and to come out on top because that’s exactly where you are here, it’s absolutely a non loose situation for you it’s a win!

17Degrees · 07/07/2023 08:54

Wow he really is a piece of work! I feel for you op, it might be hard now but you will feel a massive weight from your shoulders when you get rid of him!

Original poster
88Pandora88 · 07/07/2023 08:37

Update, brief "discussion" this morning, he instigated infront of the kids, accused me of stealing the money which should have been rent money. I said I've already admitted I messed up with that but that I was paying nursery fees during those years and paying off credit card etc. Said he earns twice what I do, got a reply of "yeah I know 😁 maybe you need to get a better job"
Told him I'm done and want him out, and left to take kids. 🙈

OP posts:
gumball37 · 06/07/2023 09:27

You would be much better off alone. The peace of not resenting the other adult in the home is worth it alone. Outside of that your home is covered thanks to your parents. You'll get more in child maintenence than he is currently contributing, plus less to manage around the house!!

Wish you the best.

menope · 05/07/2023 08:00

Are your parents aware of this?

Babsexxx · 05/07/2023 07:48

So I should imagine savings look pretty good! So he will have to split all that get statements etc honestly see a solicitor you feel vulnerable right now I should imagine but trust me when I say you hold ALL the cards here op.

Everything will literally go your way! And don’t forget to make a big point of him having the children. And whatever days he has them he will have to pay/make his own childcare arrangements.

Theunamedcat · 05/07/2023 07:43

Is the account in your parents name too? They need to request the money and save it for you for after the divorce or he can take half

RandomMess · 05/07/2023 07:41

Surely he has savings as well?

This is madness. You are not a team, he's a teenage child refusing to pay board.

Babsexxx · 05/07/2023 07:41

There’s no need for any of that the house is owned by her parents! So neither names are on the property..

HabberdasheryAddict · 05/07/2023 07:38

You need competent legal advice! Find out if you can pay rent to your parents retrospectively, so your savings won't be considered marital assets in the divorce.

Make sure you find records of all the money he has squirelled away, including pensions, ISAs and other investments.

And get rid of your financial abuser. Talking to him won't help. Someone with his attitudes and personality will never change.

Babsexxx · 05/07/2023 07:17

I’d love to see his face when he realised the cost of absolutely everything in this climate where he’s been carried soo long lol….diddums!!

HarrisJu · 05/07/2023 06:59

Your dh thinks he can live rent free.
He should be paying all of the utility bills in lieu of your contribution which is your parents gift of a rent free home.
Get him told.

Agix · 05/07/2023 06:57

OP, what is he actually contributing here? You do all the childcare, chores, and are now paying the majority of the bills despite earning less - is that correct?

What is his reasoning for this?

Original poster
88Pandora88 · 05/07/2023 06:56

Imogensmumma · 05/07/2023 05:46

Why are you paying for all childcare and doing all housework and all school runs.

If not ready to bite the bullet yet I would sit him down and make him see how much he is A. Saving because of your parents and B. How much childcare is costing you

You would save money by being separated as he would have to pay for some childcare and or CMS … he should be bending over backwards for you

But get your ducks in a row and be ready with marching orders as he is taking the piss … giving you so little money and then wants to say he’s the man of the household… what a joke

He works early, leaves while kids are in bed, I start later so can do morning school run/nursery drop off. He finishes as school finishes so I collect dc1 and meet him at home then return to work.
This was to avoid before/after school fees

OP posts:
Original poster
88Pandora88 · 05/07/2023 06:53

Billybagpuss · 05/07/2023 06:15

Also why does he think he gets to live for free? Where’s his money going? Try and find out how much he has in savings. Or my initial reaction is gambling?

Honestly I don't know, he doesn't gamble as far as I know. He games so some probably goes on new games and computer stuff. He gets monthly booze boxes, and paints warhammer figures so he gets bits for that often. I don't think he spends everything tbh

OP posts: