Did I do something wrong?

Your friend is clearly trying to acknowledge that it came from a good place but, for her, it is not the comfort you intended and shut it down now before you send any other well meaning gifts. There is no easy way to say it, especially if you don't want to hurt the gift givers feelings as everything can be taken as a judgement, even if it isn't meant as one, it's just meant as a neutral statement to state the facts of the situation.

She knows you meant it kindly, she knows you didn't mean to offend, she knows you would never upset her intentionally but ultimately your action caused upset and she wanted to stop it happening again by speaking as clearly, but politely, as possible.

It may be the delivery of it that went wrong - it sounds like a lovely gift but it is something I would have saved for an anniversary or another special time and also would be sure to hand deliver it so I could "prewarn" her what it was, I wouldn't just send it through the post for her to open without warning. "Lovely friend, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wanted to do something practical so I put together a little keepsake in memory of your BFF. I understand if you're not ready to open it now, so I will leave it with you to open when you feel able to, whether that's next week, next month, next year or never at all, it will be ready when you are"

From what she’s said in her texts to you, it seems she feels you have no ability to perceive or understand why you offended her.

What did you think she was supposed to do with the framed photo and poem? Had you thought that far? What was your point in framing it? So she could put it on her mantel? Or staring at her from her bedside, her own poem? Do you not see how strange and weird that was? It is so weird that several of us have tried to put it into words but it’s something that’s hard to put your finger on. The poster who said it was like framing a page of her diary from her worst day and giving it to her, and the poster who said it was like you took her words and gave them back to her in a frame as some strange gesture of your own largesse, both nailed it. It’s just weird. We’ve all done weird things. But we have to be willing to see it from the other’s perspective. You sound upset and resentful at her because she reacted that way and because you’re dealing with a spouse leaving you and you imply she hasn’t helped you at all with ‘your’ grief. Now, if there’s a backstory and she is always finding a random reason to reject you or lecture you and act as if you’re offending her all the time, then your reaction to her reaction is totally understandable.

That's good OP. Yes I think you're both hurting right now. Take care.

@Snowdrop89 It 100% valid to feel immense grief after having your husband /partner leave you. Please ignore some of the comments here trying to invalidate this. I don't know what planet these people are on, but it's a cold one. Sending you a big hug, and stay strong.

@Snowdrop89 you did something incredibly kind. I imagine your friend is not at that stage of grief yet. Two things could happen here, she's either absolutely going to come to a place of appreciating your gift or she will hold a lot of misplaced grief/anger at you instead. I've seen both between people in my circle. Just know your intentions are what matter most and your friend is in a hard place. Give it time.

She's already feeling terrible, poor thing, stop torturing her.

If she's just a work colleague and you didn't know her friend, your gesture might have just seemed a bit much, and too sentimental.

I'm not a sentimental person so I'd have been thrown by this sort of gesture from a colleague. I don't think I'd have responded as she did, even in deep grief (which I experienced when I lost my husband), but in some ways it's good that she did. You now know that she finds that kind of thing hard. So don't go overthinking what to do next. Just carry on with your work relationship as if it hadn't happened, and as of her friend hasn't died.

She sounds like me. Someone who doesn't want fuss and copes by trying to carry on as normal.

I would really value having a friend like you OP. I am sorry your sentiment didn't land properly, and hope you're OK in the days ahead with the news you've had.

I think it’s a bit weird that she sent you the poem and photo in the first place. Did you know the person who passed away?

Personally, even when I've gone through very traumatic grief, I would never say something as cold to you as your friend did, knowing that your intentions were good. If I knew your intentions were goosd, I'd thank you warmly for your kindness but privately put the photo away so I don't have to see it.
OP, you sound like a hyper-thoughtful and very sensitive person who cannot stand the idea of upsetting someone. I suspect your friend is not like you in this way, and doesn't fully understand that her response would have affected you this much.
With grief, it's so easy to say or do the wrong thing. I think that the reason so many people do nothing, or just spout platitudes, when someone is grieving is because they fear mistepping in any way and getting a bad reaction. I think that taking a risk to show you care but getting it slightly wrong is better than doing nothing.

Dear OP - I am sorry that so many people are minimising your pain. I remember how devastated my mum was when my dad left her. It was raw. Easily comparable to a bereavement. She was far more upset than when her own mother died.

I think that's exactly it OP, you can rest easy knowing she isn't thinking badly of you, which is great.

Just give her space for bit, sounds like that's what she needs. And you need space too to process your own stuff just now, so you can pick up the thread later on down the line.

Completely disagree. I'd be very, very upset if I lost a friend. But if my husband walked out on me and our kids it would devastate our lives. It would mean worrying about my children's mental health, they arent old enough to process such a thing so it would deeply upset them. I love my friends but I love my children more, most people do.

It isn't 'printing and framing grief', it is printing and framing photos.

It isn't horrid, it was well intentioned. I do hope the op's friend isn't the sort to make it all about her. You smile and say thankyou when folk make an effort when you're bereaved.

I really hope your friend doesn’t get a wind of you doing that and actually saying your pain is worse than the pain of a death

It is to the OP though. Who is anyone to say otherwise?

I lost a friend last year and I find it very difficult when pictures of her pop up on my phone. Maybe later on it won't hurt so much. I imagine this is why your friend wouldn't want a pic of her best friend on display. But you weren't to know she'd react that way. I would just carry on as normal with the birthday presents etc .

Having gone through divorce/separation and the death of loved ones - I have to say that the grief is somewhat comparable! You're losing routine, contact, and a relationship with another human. If not even more painful in many ways. I am surprised that people are telling the OP that she is not going through anything like her friend. Different situations, but the grief from one is not superior to the other - we are all allowed to own these feelings.

OP, I would be hurt to receive that message from a friend. The thought behind what you did was genuine, thoughtful, and kind. This was a snub, and grief makes people do funny things ( speaking from being that person). I'm assuming this was a good friend, and she would also be free to be a little more transparent with you if it was not appreciated. Such as "I appreciate the thought, but the poem was meant to be shared and too painful for me to look at, etc.".

Right now, focus on yourself, self-care, and your own news. I'm so sorry, even if the separation is mutual. Stay strong, and know that you are a kind and honorable friend for what you did.

did you know the person who died OP? It comes across here that you didn’t, which I think is the issue. It would have been less strange if you’d also known the person who died, I think.

Honestly this thread is such a good illustration as to why many people just steer clear if there's been a bereavement. You can't do right for doing wrong.

Does no-one just accept a kind intention any more?

I can tell you are in a bad place but comparing a relationship breakdown to a death is very unreasonable.

I really hope your friend doesn’t get a wind of you doing that and actually saying your pain is worse than the pain of a death

HI OP,
I’m sorry you have had such a tough weekend.

You were only trying to be kind, caring and thoughtful and it sounds like your friend realises that. You did nothing wrong.

It’s simply that people are so very different. What one person loves another doesn’t. I’m not a fan of pictures/photos on my shelves and walls (don’t care what others do). I can be anxious and overthink and memories (like when someone gives me a framed photo of say a family day out) feel emotionally loaded to me and also busy and clutter and I stick them in a drawer and hope they don’t notice they never see it again. I equally think if they look around my house they will see that there are none of these and they could consider that’s cause I don’t want them. A picture of the type you are describing even more of a no for me. Too much emotion …but for someone else they would love it and keep it by the bed. You got it wrong this time and that’s ok.

As for general gifts I think we can have so much stuff these days that physical gifts can feel like a burden. I think it’s better to just say “I have seen your birthday coming up can I take you for lunch - can we get something in the diary?” Card if you want and job done and nothing going to landfill.

You haven’t lost your best friend. Just say “I understand - sorry. Let me know if you need to talk”. It’s ok.