Did I do something wrong?

@JudgeRudy has it right there - you tried to support her in a way you'd like to be supported in such a situation. But unfortunately that doesn't work for her. Maybe she feels you are auditioning for the best friend vacancy. I think backing off and letting her reach out is best thing.

Just say you're sorry and you didn't mean to upset her. Tbh I'd find it a bit weird if I shared a pic or poem with you and you took it upon yourself to print it off and frame it. That's incredibly personal.
Still, you seem to know and care about each other enough to get past this. She's acknowledging your kind intent but you've got it badly wrong.
I've been friends with people who because they are kind and pleasant seem to think they're really caring and empathic. They think 'what would Friend like in this situation' but really they're thinking what would l like. That's not empathy. Dont overthink it.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean don't ever buy her a present for say a birthday but for now she definitely doesn't want your gifts. I'd also let her initiate contact too.
Don't send her a lengthy text all about you and your intentions. Go light with a simple 'whoops, didn't mean to upset. You know where I am and look forward to seeing you when you're ready.'

Do you think if she sent it at 1am she was feeling tired and emotional and had had a few drinks? And is now rather embarrassed about it? That’s something I would do in the midst of grief and then I’d be embarrassed at my emotional over share the next day?

But that's probably her way of coping. Some people can't deal with grief and their way of coping is to avoid facing it either in themselves or others.

No she's just self absorbed. Her own dad, my FIL, is ill now and she's not avoiding that.

I'd take her messages at face value OP, she really appreciates the thought but it's just not for her. If you are in the habit of giving gifts like this I guess she just wants to head you off at the pass.

I've lost my best friend and I think I would have felt similar to your friend, I'm trying to articulate why. First of all, displaying the poem wouldn't be my thing at all - if it was something I'd written it would be far too private, if it was something I found online I'd find it a bit twee.

Mainly, picking a photo and frame after she died was something very important to me - I'd just moved and didn't have any photos of her up. That was a deeply personal job for me to do and take care over - a photo of her printed and framed by someone who hardly knew her would have felt like overstepping.

Incidentally, I don't like to play grief top trumps but DH leaving is one of the few events that would shake my world like the loss of my friend did.

Yes! I completely agree. I'd far rather have a gift that was made with the best intentions and clearly thoughtful on their part even if it wasnt my ideal gift than have people just pretend it never happened. To me, ignoring it is the most insensitive and hurtful thing you can do.

Oh and before anyone comes for me! I lost my mother as a child, all my grandparents a very close Uncle who was like a second dad to me, an Aunty and very tragically a stepson that I used to foster. I know that grief is different in different people, I still think the friend was rude.

I've just remembered after my mum died we were round at my PILs and my SIL was there and literally didn't even mention it! Any gesture of acknowledgement would have been an improvement on that.

But that's probably her way of coping. Some people can't deal with grief and their way of coping is to avoid facing it either in themselves or others.

Some people literally run away from their dying loved one because that is their survival mechanism.

I'm referring to the people asking why on earth OP did what she did and that it was an awful gift. Thats my point- to me it wouldnt have been awful. I would have liked it. Therefore, their assuming it was a horrible gift arent accurate

People in grief are all different. The single lesson is to be very careful and tread lightly

And that is why you get poor bewildered bereaved people posting that all their friends have backed off and people cross the street to avoid them.

Yes, exactly. Grieving people arent one monolith that all feel the exact same way. We are all different and grief affects everyone differently, I'm a little surprised people arent appreciating this.

I've just remembered after my mum died we were round at my PILs and my SIL was there and literally didn't even mention it! Any gesture of acknowledgement would have been an improvement on that.

You did a kind thing, a lovely thoughtful thing. I'm sorry your friend is grieving but I think she is very rude. I would back off a bit. There's nothing you can really say or do to 'fix' it, because you did nothing wrong. Leave her to grieve. Hopefully she will come around at some point.

I think it was a lovely idea and I would have been touched to receive such a thoughtful gift. I am sorry about what you are going through. It sounds like you are a very caring friend and I hope you have some support from the people around you

I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF MY POST. It's a strange time and you can't predict how people would react because everyone is different - and different day to day.

& if you are being really honest with yourself, you have no idea how you would react because you haven't been in that situation in grief where you wrote a poem and sent it to someone.

Maybe the day you opened it, you would feel it was offensive to have it returned to you. Or you were in tears already and the shock tipped you over the edge. Or you were regretting writing the poem, felt it was shit and didn't honour your friend properly, were embarrassed you wrote it and in your second thoughts were upset about having a copy now framed that you felt you couldn't throw away but didn't ever want to see again.

People in grief are all different. The single lesson is to be very careful and tread lightly.

Yes, exactly. Grieving people arent one monolith that all feel the exact same way. We are all different and grief affects everyone differently, I'm a little surprised people arent appreciating this.

I have experienced grief- I have lost both my mum and my dad, grandparents, and have no blood family left and I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

I've also lost both parents. While the gift wouldn't have necessarily been my thing I'd have been very touched at the love and care shown and the kind intent behind it.

But just because you think it’s strange and weird, it doesn’t mean you’re ‘right’ and the OP’s wrong…. Clearly the OP’s friend agrees with you — and so do several posters on here. But I don’t think it’s weird; I’d be really touched. And there are other posters on here who’ve said the same. The important thing is that the OP’s friend felt able to say she didn’t want any more gifts and the OP is going to respect that.

The thing about grief and bereavement is that people who have never experienced a significant bereavement just don't understand it - you think you do but you don't

I have experienced grief- I have lost both my mum and my dad, grandparents, and have no blood family left and I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

The thing about grief and bereavement is that people who have never experienced a significant bereavement just don't understand it - you think you do but you don't.

@Snowdrop89 that you need to understand that when someone is grieving their emotions are all over the place.

Anything - and I literally mean anything - may provoke a bad reaction if you get someone at the wrong time. Sending stuff in the post is particularly dangerous because a person opens it without warning

for the future , I would say if you are thinking of sending something like that to a bereaved person, you should mention it gently first to see if it would be welcome and so that if it is, they have advanced warning - and when you send it tell them.

I think in this case if your friend wanted to frame her poem and her photo she could do it herself. It's probably nothing more than you shocked her when she opened it and it set off a grief wave.

As for what to do now, I think you need to acknowledge what she has said, apologise and tell her that you are there for her. If possible, I'd speak to her rather than send a message in writing.

I'm grieving now and it's a strange time. The slightest thing can set you off so don't take it personally - but like I said, the lesson here is you need to be very tender with grieving people because they are so raw and so vulnerable. A nice comment about the deceased can be like a knife in the heart if it comes at the wrong moment.

If you had done that for me I would have been very touched and grateful. But we're all different. I would just accept the feedback and don't overthink it.

I agree. Some of the comments in this thread are disgusting.

You sound like a lovely friend OP and I’m sure your friendship will be fine. Just leave her be now and you can both talk about it when she’s not feeling so raw. Big hugs to you 🌹

I don't think you should overthink this. It just wasn't her thing and she would prefer not to receive anything else like that. It doesn't mean that you are an awful friend or you did something wrong, it just means that people are different and like different things. It sounds like your friend sees this as she understands you meant it well, even though it wasn't her kind of thing. Just move on with your friendship as normal.

OP, please don’t give yourself a hard time about the gift. I think it was a lovely thing to do (and the thought that went into it is lovely too). Clearly your friend didn’t and that’s her prerogative — but it doesn’t automatically make you the one in the wrong. Sometimes there’s just a mismatch between what we do and what the other person wants; it’s not necessarily either person’s fault… and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time yourself. You can certainly grieve the end of a relationship — and personally, I don’t think anyone should tell you your feelings somehow rank lower than someone else’s. It’s not as though it’s a competition or your grief somehow detracts from or lessens your friend’s: grief is like love — there’s more than enough to go around (sadly)…