Did I do something wrong?

You're coming across as a martyr now. Just continue your friendship as before, just take your cues for talking about her bereavement from your friend.

You did something you thought was kind, it didn't go down well. They understood it was done from a good place but didn't want you to do it again so said so, in the politest way possible under the circumstances.

Get over it and move on.

so I’m likely to end up someone who disappears now… x

Aorry but that's just dramatic. Just continue the friendship normally but don't send any more random presents. There is no need to drop the friend because she only seem to do presents for birthdays and Christmas....

For me the thing stopping me from binning it would be the emotional connection. I wouldn’t be able to bin something linked to such an emotional situation. It’s an albatross of sorts.

But the main thing is I’d appreciate you and be grateful for you as a friend which is what she’s done. It sounds like you both really value each other. This one blip isn’t anything more than a blip.

I would have reacted the same.

Now she has a physical thing she’s supposed to put up in her home, maybe she doesn’t want to and it’s got so much emotional meaning to it. Her poem for instance was a temporary thing, not something to be displayed forever.

I wouldn’t have liked receiving it either. But I would have still appreciated you as a friend, which is exactly what she did.

I thought that was lovely and probably would have done the same. I'm not sure why she would of reacted this way, grief is something that can't be controlled so I would continue to be there as a support let know you are here for her when she's ready. X

@Snowdrop89

You sound so lovely. We can see it, your friend certainly knows it. I promise you this is a much, much bigger deal to you than it was to her.

You'll feel much better once you've seen her again I'm sure, I would also be tying myself in knots so I get how you're feeling.

The mindset you need to try to hold onto is that you didn't actually do anything wrong. You did a kind thing, OK it wasn't appreciated but the kindness behind it was.

We all put our foot in it occasionally and it sounds like that's all that has happened here, it's not a big deal. Leave it in the past and try not to let it dominate your thoughts.

I think given she knows your intentions were kind, her parting comment was unkind and not necessary. But she's grieving so all bets are off really.
Try not to dwell on it, I actually think despite not liking the gift, in the long run she will think more of you for making the effort.

My guess is that she's opened it and felt a little blindsided by it and its maybe given her an emotional reaction when she had felt she was managing for example. Might have been better if you'd been able to give it to her in person, in private and prefaced it with something like- I thought your tribute to your friend was really touching and thoughtful so I put this together for you as a special keepsake but I understand if you want me to hang on to it for you if you don't feel ready to look at it just yet. By posting it, you don't even know if she was alone when she opened it so could have embarrassed her in front of people she feels less comfortable with.

Just say you understand and you're still here for her and want to support her. And then continue as normal. She might come to think of it as the nice gesture it was intended as with a bit of time.

It was obviously well intentioned and came from a good place but I would have found that very mawkish. It's (unintentionally) hammering home the loss in a way which I would find pretty intrusive.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. She is (as many PPs have pointed out) in the middle of a period of grief and will not be behaving rationally. I have no doubt you can rescue the friendship.

But I would be a bit careful about doing something like this in the future.

OP I think you are amazing. You are so selfless and more concerned with whether or not you have inadvertently upset your grieving friend than you are with your own HUGE loss that you haven]t even had time to process yet. And anyone who insensitively minimises the emotional impact of a husband walking out on his wife and three children is not someone speaking from personal experience. It is fucking devastating and yet here is OP worrying more about someone else... OP your husband has thrown away a gem.

@Snowdrop89 It was a thoughtful and loving thing to do. Unfortunately it landed badly with her for whatever reason.

If I were you I would back off for a bit. She lashed out at you and you didn’t deserve it. Sounds like you need to take care of yourself right now ❤️

@CarrieMoonbeams you sound like a lovely person.

I wrote earlier about how I would have appreciated your gesture after the shock death of my DB. Actually I helped bring him up so it was halfway to losing a child, and I stand by my comments.

I am writing again because I am struck by how many who write of experiencing loss share my view. And others who have lost share your friend’s view, but they impart it with kindness. (Most of us end up saying that grief is personal.) Grief brings out our humanity. I’ll wager the smug people harshly lecturing you, OP, know little of it. Yet.

Aww @Snowdrop89 , I feel really sorry for you. You tried to do a kind thing and you're going through such a horrible time yourself 🌻.

It's such a tricky thing to navigate. My mum died last August and I was horribly upset by the gifts that a relative sent me at Christmas time and also on what would have been my mum's birthday in April. The gifts themselves and the big poems that she'd written in the accompanying cards undid so much of the healing that I had been slowly doing, and I felt like I was being dragged backwards.

I'm actually dreading August again because I know she'll send me something else ☹️. I've never said anything negative to her though, I've always just said thank you, that's lovely, so thoughtful etc etc, because obviously I know that she loves me and this is how she shows it.

I'm sure your friend appreciated the gesture if not the gift itself ❤️. Here's a hug from a wee plump Scottish lady from the internet 🤗

Does death of a friend trump a divorce? I don't think so. Totally different but can be equally as devastating depending on the circumstances.

OP you did nothing wrong.

I think it was a nice thought but maybe your friend found it too personal, or something she wouldn’t display anywhere in her house so now it feels like clutter she has to store somewhere?

I don’t think you have to feel awkward though, your friend has politely expressed her wishes to not receive anything else.

Some of these responses are harsh.

The OP tried to do something she thought was nice.

Her friend did not see it that way and respectfully asked for a similar gesture not be repeated.

Personally I wouldn't want the gift. Clearly others would appreciate it.

It is simply different perspectives from two different friends who are both suffering at the moment.

Nobody has been rude. Nobody is 'weird'. Nobody needs to lose a friendship because of it.

Ah, sorry. Thanks for the clarification.

So sorry OP you've had a really shit weekend and it sounds to me like you were trying to do a lovely thoughtful thing.

People deal with grief differently and obviously this might have unintentionally triggered your friend. It sounds like she realised you meant no harm but was just asking you to not send her anything else (probably in relation to this grief I doubt she means birthday and xmas if thats something you do) as she might not be able to cope with that sort of thing right now.

Please take care of yourself, I realise you're grieving too but it will be difficult to get any reciprocal support from this friend atm if shes in a bit of an all consuming phase of her grief.

Try to put it behind you if you can, if you have an otherwise lovely friendship try not to take to heart the actions of someone in grieving.