Did I do something wrong?

Oh gosh I don’t know!! If you normally exchange gifts then it might be fine. If it was me I’d not say anything about it right now (because, grief - and you’re going through stuff too neither of you are in a good place). Then nearer the time (birthday, Xmas whichever is first) ask if she’s happy to exchange gifts or would prefer to just do cards. You could make it quite breezy if it’s several months down the line, eg “just checking if we’re still doing gifts”

I think it was a really thoughtful gift and hopefully your friend will think so as well in time to come . Don’t feel bad or guilty because you 100% meant well .

you didn’t do anything wrong OP. Grief is just is really dark place and sometimes there is no right thing to do. Just let her know you are there and check in now and then.

Sorry last sentence should have been at this moment in time.

Don't overthink it, I'm sure your friend won't. When someone is grief stricken it's hard to know the right mark to hit. When my mum died a very good friend sent me a book about angels which really was the last fucking thing I needed to receive being honest, bloody nonsense. However it's something that gave her comfort and she was trying to share that. I understand and smiled and said thank you but inside was thinking FFS! What gives you comfort may not for her but she knows you meant well so just carry on as normal xx

I lost my DB in a horrible accident last year.

I would have absolutely loved this gift. A book of photos and memories written by his friends and printed privately has become my most cherished possession (hope DH isn’t reading this!)

I suppose the contrasting situations simply show that we are all different. But I think @Snowdrop89 ’s friend could have been a bit warmer, and I write that as someone who is still in the throes of at least an equal loss.

I don't think you have done anything wrong you were doing something thoughtful and it's hard to know how people are feeling when they are grieving, but she's been honest with you so now you must respect the way she feels at this morning time.

but ask you not to send me any further gifts.

you did nothing wrong, it was a lovely and thoughtful gesture, she's just being rude. Grieving is not an excuse to be unpleasant.

Do not send her any other gift, you can even message her back that you are really sorry if you upset her, and then leave it at that.

I would stay away from her frankly. It's very hard, but she can't complain if people stop trying to support her and wait until she gets off her high horses.

You did a nice thing, from her message your friend understands you did a nice thing.

However for whatever reason its not a nice thing that was appreciated. Maybe she doesn't want an item that reminds her of her friends death, maybe she feels like you're getting involved in something that's personal to her. It doesn't really matter.

She's let you know that she appreciates the intent while not appreciating the result. She's grieving right now, as are you for your own reasons. Neither of you are probably in the best headspace to acknowledge and help each other through their feelings, so I'd back off for a bit and get back in touch when you're both on a bit more of a even keel.

well that would definitely be making it all about the OP wouldn’t it

i think you should say sorry for overstepping, it was thoughtless of you and you can see that now, if there’s anything you can do for her you’re there. She will come to you when she’s ready - and don’t compare your DH leaving to what she’s got going on to her.

I don’t care if a pp thinks I’m out of order for saying it - as tough as it is to hear it, she’s got it much harder than you right now.

I don't think you did anything wrong especially, but the grief of others is a minefield. Even they won't know how they'll react until it happens. What one person would embrace gratefully is another person's idea of horror.

Your friend has made her boundaries known. No need for any hard feelings.

You didn’t do anything wrong. However, there are two types of listeners. 1. To understand. 2. To respond. You were number 2. You responded. However, sometimes, it’s better to just to understand.

They're could be any number of reasons for her reaction.

Perhaps it's the sort of thing her best friend would have done and it hurts.

Perhaps it feels like something personal she did for her friend has been taken away from her.

Maybe the poem was an outlet for her grief and she doesn't want to be reminded of it on the side all the time.

Or maybe she was a bit overcome by the gesture and it's all a bit much at the moment.

I'd just send her a text back saying something along the lines of I'm sorry if I upset you, won't happen again, here if you need me. And then don't mention it again unless she does.

I don't think you did anything wrong but perhaps the poem was deeply personal and not something she would want displayed as a reminder along with a picture somewhere in her house? She's grieving, as others have said, everyone deals with grief in their own way. Perhaps some space and check in with her in a couple of days?

I would send her a brief message saying the intention was to do something nice for you. I am sorry if I upset you unintentionally. Then leave it.

I think it was a peculiar thing for you to do, but I wouldn’t think anything else of it - unless you have a habit of sending gifts. Your friend has been very clear and polite to you back. Just take it on face value.

Sometimes with grief there is no right thing. That’s why so many people avoid saying anything at all which is also wrong because they’re then assumed to be ignoring the loss. And then again some people just want to be left alone and there’s no way of knowing what the right thing is a lot of the time. And what is lovely and thoughtful to one person is outrageous and crass to another. You did something with the best intentions and it wasn’t what your friend wanted. You haven’t done anything bad

I think she was very measured in her response. She opened a package to find someone had printed out a photo of her dead friend and sent it to her. WTAF would’ve been an understandable response.

It was very nice and kind thing to do

why she has reacted in such a way we don’t know maybe it was meant as you didn’t need to but thank you or for some reason this has annoyed her which is her issue not yours

she is grieving so I think you can this time overlook the response but this was a very kind and thoughtful gesture please don’t question this

You did a lovely and thoughtful thing. As others have said it was probably just too soon.

Grief is hard and complicated. There are some days where it helps to talk about the person, and days where you can't bear to even think about them. Perhaps she unfortunately received the gift during a time that she couldn't bear to think about it?

She appreciates the gesture, so don't feel too bad. It's hard to get things right when someone is grieving because literally nothing will actually help.

Your situations are completely different, so that’s irrelevant.

you haven’t done anything wrong but she’s made it clear how she feels. That poem was potentially a way to relieve some grief and now she has to stare it every day, it may have been words she wanted to get out and not necessarily be reminded of.

I think what you did was really lovely. I think her response was very rude whether she is grieving or not.

You’re a brilliant friend, trying to be there for someone who is grieving is an absolute minefield! That’s why so many people disappear because they don’t know what to do or are scared they’ll get it wrong. You didn’t do that. Please don’t let this stop you from being who you are, grieving people need more friends who stay and try even if they don’t get it quiet right. Someone else could have loved your gesture.