Did I do something wrong?

@Snowdrop89 massive squishes on all fronts.

if was a kind gesture and you and your friend are both in very emotional lot challenging places.

know that she is still your friend and take hope in that.

As for your husband. It’s crap. It’s going to be crappy for a bit longer but I hope you and your daughters emerge stronger for it.

This is a really considered and wise reply. I’m really sorry about your mum @poorbird x

You did absolutely nothing wrong. If you'd done that for me after a friend dying I'd have been very touched tjaf you'd done something so thoughtful. Some people are just odd but maybe she's lashing out in grief, who knows! I think she owes you an apology!

Yep, especially so suddenly and so soon afterwards, and so very personally.

I shared a bag of particular sweets with my friend at her mum's funeral because she always gave them to us. We agreed to do this after the service. I turned some of the decorations from the bridal bouquet I caught into Christmas decs for the couple.

I have even chosen to print some commemorative momentos myself. But it would be hard to receive that out of the blue, from someone else.

You didn't do something BAD, but you did do something WRONG - your friend was just gently making a boundary.

I disagree actually. When my best friend died someone bought me Charlie Mackesy’s book - it was absolutely perfect and I was very touched.

I don’t dispute that the OPs friend didn’t appreciate the gesture but so much depends on individual preferences.

I still feel it would have been kinder for the recipient not to respond as she did. She was in deep distress clearly but I think it was unnecessary. In her position I’d have rolled my eyes, put it in a drawer and just said ‘thank you.’

I'm so sorry your husband has left. It must be an incredible shock to all of you. It seems to me that you are very kind and thoughtful and you could do with a friend being similar with you. It sounds as though you should be treated really gently at the moment. That makes her behaviour even worse.

I hope you do have someone to confide in about your husband 💐

Don't overthink it OP. You did what you believed to be a kindness.

Grief is a monster that makes you utterly irrational.

Personally, I'd take it at face value, don't send anything else, and continue to offer support, but don't beat yourself up.

Presemts are supposed to be about recipient. If recipient doesn't want presents in future, they have absolute right to say. She was not rude, it can be hurtful really only when the gift is more about giftor than giftee...

It was not a simple boundary, it was hurtful. What did the friend think, that she'd be getting poems every day or something?! Sometimes folk make a death all about them.

Your friend is grieving. Grieving people often behave in unconventional ways. Your intention was very loving, but she has interpreted it differently. You're just going to have to let it be on this one. I'd wait until the next birthday or Xmas and ask her if you're still doing presents (or even better, wait until she gives you a gift before giving her one)

Oh wow how dare someone let someone else know they don't like something after it happens first time.
You don't need to go to extreme to be able to set some simple boundary and ask someone not to do something. Nothing dramatic about that. In friendships and partnerships this should be fine. No one was rude in this scenario

Sounds like the op's friends was being overly dramatic to me. Overstepping the mark imo would be several daily texts with emotive gifs and cheesy inspiration quotes, or weekly food packages with sentimental messages.

It was one thing.

Have you read the latest update? OP said Thinking back right at the beginning I did say to her that navigating supporting grieving friends can be tricky & if I’m getting it wrong at any point she must tell me - which she did. So actually I’m grateful she did. I wouldn’t want to be causing her additional suffering that she didn’t feel she could flag to me. X

It sounds like OP was considerate from the start and the friend was comfortable in telling her she'd overstepped.

It just sounds like a misjudgement at an emotive time.

It was a lovely thought. Sometimes people feel the need to lash out when grieving, it sounds like she has used this opening from you to use you as a punch bag. If your gift had simply missed the mark then she would’ve just put it in a cupboard or a bin.

sometimes it is fine to be there for people to vent, but it sounds like you are going through the most awful time of it as well. I would back off from her you don’t have the emotional energy to put this right just now. Concentrate on you. I am sure you haven’t lost your best friend- as she processes her grief she will realise that she has been a dick.

for now look after yourself. I hope things feel better soon

'The friend is not rude. She is grieving a significant loss and sent a perfectly polite message saying she appreciated the thought but please don't send any more gifts.'

She was rude. Understandable if the op had bombarded her with gifts and flowers but one very thoughtful and kind gift does not necessitate a 'don't send anymore' message.

Let's hope the op's snippy friend hasn't 'got it wrong' and received an unnecessary message from the actual family of the person who died asking her not to be kind for whatever she may have done to offer some comfort.

The sheer number of people who think this was a weird thing to do has confused me. I clearly got it very very wrong. I only wanted to do something nice… will be v v careful doing anything for grieving friends going forward, it feels too risky. I just care & wanted to show it. Got it wrong

I dont think you got it wrong atall; it was just wrong for her for whatever reason. It was a kind and thoughtful thing to do and I am glad she has acknowledged that you would never deliberately upset her .

OP I hope you have support for what you are going through. Try not think about your friend or give this any more headspace. As much as she's in no position to support you through your loss, you should probably similarly conserve your own emotional resources for what you are going through and take a step back from her - if you're fragile, the last thing you need to be dealing with is people are are hair-trigger from their own grief. You're entitled to put yourself first.

The friend is not rude.

She is grieving a significant loss and sent a perfectly polite message saying she appreciated the thought but please don't send any more gifts.

How else was she supposed to word it? Or was she just supposed to keep accepting gifts from the OP so as not to hurt the OPs feelings even if they were causing her suffering to receive?

Under the circumstances the friend was very polite.

Fundamentally, OP, a bereavement isn't really a gifting opportunity. I think that's where you went wrong. It wouldn't occur to me to give a gift to a bereaved person. I would have been totally bewildered of someone had given me a gift when my husband died.

I appreciated flowers, and people who cooked for me so that I ate. But an actual gift (particularly a very sentimental one) would have confused me. Gifts are celebratory things to me.

Also, sorry about your husband. It sounds like things are tough and yet you still tried to reach out to her which shows the sort of person you are. Take care of yourself

I really can't see that you've done anything wrong. It was a nice thought.
Your friend didn't like the gift, fine she's probably wrestling with all sorts of problems just now but don't beat yourself up with what you did "wrong" because it sounds like you were kind and well-intentioned.

A card or visit will do until you judge when it is appropriate for a birthday gift.

Just listen to her.
She thanked you (knew you meant no harm) but requested no more gifts. (For her reasons she found the gift challenging -you may never know why but listen and send no more gifts except friendship.)