Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not speaking

38 replies

anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:39

(Apart from the obvious LTB. Which I know and making plans for)

How can I deal with him. He stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago. Nothing major at all happened he has these mood swings a lot, he’s very much like his mother they both are the same. Over past 2 weeks I’ve had my daughters party which he didn’t turn up for and I had to drag my 3 kids on my own to the venue and put up balloons etc whilst they cried, it was so stressful. He turned up at the end and my friend mentioned he looked really out of it (no drugs at all he’s never taken them but he seemed drunk). When I was sitting with parents (child started reception so hardly know them) he sat with us with crying red eyes! So embarrassing. I got my BIL to take him over to my other BIL.

my daughter had her sports day and again he didn’t turn up but just as we were leaving he turned up. He started walking away and I called him and he sat in the car but he was breathing really loudly and told me he’s not sitting in the car with me and walked off.

over Xmas when visiting my parents he tried “running away” a few times, my sister reminded me he did the same thing of trying to get in the car and running away when my daughter was born 8 years ago, I ordered papa johns pizza and he kept saying “these bastsreds have probably never had pappardelle johns in their lives”.

its not just my family he’s like this whether they are there or not,

I hate him, this morning I tried to be civil and he just started again. Advice please.

my sons graduation from nursery is coming up and a few more events. Shall I just not tell him or tell him and risk him embarrassing me.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/07/2023 23:18

I'm sorry for your situation it must be awful living in that environment which you are gaining absolutely nothing and losing your self esteem and confidence to leave
Emotionally disengage completely
Think as if you're already separated
Are your DC his? Either way they will be affected by this
It sounds to me like either DP has a substance abuse problem or is actually has pretty serious Mental illness. Doesn't really matter what the cause is as he appears to hate you and you need to leave

shinepud · 01/07/2023 19:42

Not the point I know, but after reading the other thread OP linked, how can I get into findom? Random online men getting off on transferring money into my bank account... I'd probably be too lazy to even be mean to them, but they might get off on me ignoring them like that.

Sorry to derail OP but what a fascinating way to get lots of free money by doing nothing.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 19:32

He sounds like a horrible twat. The sooner you get yourself and your children away from his fucking lunacy, the better.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/07/2023 18:20

Well definitely don't tell him anything.
Keep your phone locked so he can't snoop about.

The running off is ridiculous. If he does that again just call the non emergency police and say you car has been stolen.

Disappointed1 · 01/07/2023 16:49

He does sound unhinged. Don’t engage with him. If you aren’t actively engaging with plans to LTB you need to have a think about why that is. Saying you are going to and actually doing it are two different things. I suspect you wouldn’t be looking at ways to manage this if your escape plan was mapped out

SueVineer · 01/07/2023 16:47

You’ll be so much better off without him

SplendidUtterly · 01/07/2023 16:41

He sounds fed up and angry at you for whatever reason.

If he won't even talk to you and tell you what's wrong it's best to ask him to move out as this is a miserable living situation for you both at this point.

FurryPelmet · 01/07/2023 16:25

I am so shocked that he told you nobody wants you, including him. What an absolute dick. He clearly has issues of his own but there’s no reason why you should have to put up with this childish sulking and blanking - it’s absolutely pathetic. Ignore him back and only speak to him if you have to. It’s not about playing his silly games, it’s about refusing to allow him to punish you with one-sided silent treatment while you try to smooth things. He’s not worth your effort and he doesn’t deserve your patience.

pompomdaisy · 01/07/2023 16:22

Is he feeling suicidal? He's acting as if he is. Have you asked him?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 16:14

I would send him a text telling him to stay away from you and the kids and that the marriage is over. After that, I wouldn't contact him about anything, and I would respond to him if he contacts you.

You need to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling immediately.

lechatnoir · 01/07/2023 16:08

Why have you not asked him to leave? He's bringing absolutely nothing to the table, except stress and bad atmosphere. This must be awful for your children and is clearly a horrible form of torture that he is revelling in. Kick him out!

DeeCeeCherry · 01/07/2023 16:05

Don't engage with him, don't tell him about events. Who cares about him getting an MH assessment? Fuck it, your MH matters too. Also - your poor kids. Leave him to sulk and be a massive pain in the backside by himself. I'd not waste another day of my 1 life on a man like that he'd have to get out

SayHi · 01/07/2023 13:24

I don’t understand why you are still with him?
Can you explain why you’re still in this non-relationship?

He is of course disrespectful to you but it’s also so embarrassing and I don’t understand why you’d want to be associated with him.

Everyone must know what’s he’s like and think you are just as bad too if you are in a relationship with him.

Just tell him to move out.

TheCatterall · 01/07/2023 12:47

@anonymous322 can you keep the car keys on your person or hidden at all times? Or does he need them for work?

I do wonder if he’s just an abusive dickhead or if he’s having some form of psychosis?

I’d start living your life separately now. Don’t invite him or tell him about events. Go about your daily life as if he doesn’t exist and he’s just a ghost in the house.

It sounds awful to be living in and I hope you get out soon. x

NeedToChangeName · 01/07/2023 12:13

You relationship is over, I think

Start planning for your new life

Don't bother telling him about events, if he'll turn up drunk / spoil it

Pamspeople · 01/07/2023 12:08

LookItsMeAgain · 01/07/2023 11:42

@Pamspeople - she's hardly going to broadcast her plan to leave him on the internet is she?

I guess I meant timescale etc, how long is she planning to live like this.

BadLad · 01/07/2023 12:01

Are the children also his? You describe them as “my daughter” etc, and what, with his ED etc.

But anyway, there’s certainly nothing worth staying for.

GrumpyPanda · 01/07/2023 11:53

anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:53

@pinklama my parents live in the middle of no where so him running away with my only mode of transport was out of the question so I had to chase after him
and stop him. There’s no trains nearby and would have cost a lot for train tickets if they drive me to nearest station. But I get what you’re saying some things I should just leave him to it rather than trying to stop him,

he used to do this a lot on Saturdays just run off in the car but I didn’t chase him then as I was home with the kids

Who is the car registered to? If him, you'll need to replace it anyway once you ltb, so maybe make that a priority now, especially if it means searching around for a cheap older model.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/07/2023 11:42

@Pamspeople - she's hardly going to broadcast her plan to leave him on the internet is she?

ithinkifeelaliveagain · 01/07/2023 11:41

My ex used to do similar, if I annoyed him he would just stop talking/engaging with me for weeks at at time. Once he eventually began to engage he would say it was my fault for upsetting him and expect me to apologise. I’ve since learned it’s a classic It’s a control method though so don’t even try to win him back round. Just calmly get in with your life and LTB asap, especially after seeing your other post! You will be miserable with this man for the rest of your life if you don’t leave.

trulyunruly01 · 01/07/2023 11:39

It doesn't actually matter what he thinks of you as his is not a valid opinion due to the very obvious mental health issues at play here. To me, you sound like a responsible, caring, loving parent.
I think if you are unable to physically leave at this time (why?) then you have to separate within the house. Let him look after himself, you concentrate on you and the children, display invites to school/nursery events somewhere he can see them and go no further in trying to involve him. Can you stretch to a small car of your own? Then he can come and go and run away as he pleases. It's summer and there is scope for lots of outdoors activities, picnics etc so it may be easier to keep you and the children disengaged from him after school and at weekends.
Soon it will be the long summer break and it seems to me that it would be a good time then to really accelerate the full separation.

Pamspeople · 01/07/2023 11:35

What's your plan for leaving him, OP?

Clarinet1 · 01/07/2023 11:22

Sounds awful and you are right to LTB. However I can’t help wondering, if he has ED and the two of you don’t have sex, where did the three DC come from?

Popetthetreehugger · 01/07/2023 11:19

Do you drive ? If so then keep tight hold of the keys , if he wants to run off , let him .

TimesRwo · 01/07/2023 11:12

Agree with others - disengage and just carry on with your life. Don’t tell him about events. If he misses them, then it’s on him.

He throws this tantrum and you understandably pander to him for the easier life. But in reality, it encourages him to act this way because he knows he can with no consequences.