DS proposing at 18

It'll be fine.

If it doesn't work out they can just get divorced like the rest of us (who thought we were being sensible getting married in our 30's)

an engagement is not major these days. credit to u he sounds a
respectable young man. Uni will
come and go and only time will
tell if they will stay together when the real world hits
them.
i'd be more worried if he was to say he had got her
pregnant.

Be supportive and be nice about it. Tbh it probably won’t last
what I find much more worrying is the fact they are planning on living together whilst at uni.
They both need to live in halls at their respective universities- best way to make friends and get immersed in uni life

Just be pleased for them, I think it’s lovely. None of us know what’s going to happen in the future so it’s worth celebrating and cherishing happy events when they happen.

You never know, people said we wouldn’t last. Engaged at 18, married at 20 and celebrate 20th anniversary next year.

If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out, being engaged or not won’t actually change much.

It sounds like your DS is a very thoughtful young man.

You won’t and cannot stop them from doing anything, but the decision to live together is really the bigger step here. It will inevitably affect their social lives at university, at a time when they should be immersing themselves in student life. I did this myself, I thought I was in love, and I missed out on so much while at uni.

However, you trying to put your foot down on will likely lead to you being the adversary of their love story. You need to tread that fine line of guiding and persuading your DS that they have years ahead of them to live together and to create their domestic idyll, but that student life is for living with friends who go to the same uni and, ideally, are on the same course.

If I were you, I’d say to your DS that you are supportive of his plan to get engaged, if that’s what he wants, but can they hold off living together for at least a year? That way they have time to enjoy student life, see each other still, and think about moving in when they’re truly ready, not when they happen to be moving to uni.

I mean the logical response is they're young, they have all the time in the world, what's the rush- if it's meant to be, it'll be, and they can get engaged and marry in a few years. But you might push him away, he's probably scared about losing her and this is his reaction.

Only you know what your relationship is like as to whether you can advise he waits and reassure him, or leave him to learn from his own mistakes (if it is indeed a mistake!)

I say all this as someone who is happily married to my high school sweetheart who went to uni without him.

Why is it a bad idea? They're not eloping tomorrow. At least he told you. He didn't have to.

Well this is a good point tbh 🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️
it’d mean neither sets of parents have to stomp up Maintenance contribution and they’d get full amount?
now you might be on to something there…l😳

I wouldn't be happy about this either. But there is no point fighting it, it will just make them more determined I would imagine. Encourage a long engagement if that's what they want, and chances are that once they go to uni and see a bigger wider world they will break up anyway. On the off chance they don't and do stay together and live happily ever after you will be much better off not having been set against it.

I got engaged it 18 … it was all over by the time I was 21 … met my (now) husband at 30.

That's a bit of a stretch and his girlfriend will.have her own mind 🙄

Aww, I remember being this age and several of my friends getting engaged to their boyfriends. I don't think any of them still were by the end of university.

I think it is best not to make a big deal out of it. It is just an engagement. It can be broken as easily as it is gone into. Time will tell if they last or not, independent of this engagement.

I’d be happy if mine spent their uni years engaged even if it didn’t work out. I’d much rather that than them racking up lots of sexual partners and potential STIs. Just smile and nod. You’ll need to be there for him when she probably breaks it off at some point

I don’t know any couples that have survived this - and plenty that went down the marriage route and have since grown apart and divorced (though it seems plenty on here have found success!) - aside from all that I would support both of them to absolutely stay together and in love but equally not to rush into things or limit their personal growth as individuals by, eg, living together at the start of uni. I think I’d be encouraging their relationship while making it clear to them that these years are everything in terms of making friends, personal growth and independent experiences and to make this time work for both of them so neither feels hemmed in. So maybe an ‘engagement’ without living together, or a promise ring as others have suggested. Living together as an engaged couple on entering university will massively limit their experiences and even if they stay together as a couple they may end regretting that aspect of limitation of friend-based experiences. I think this is particularly important for girls - I’m a big advocate of women finding an identity outside of a relationship as all too often women’s aspirations become secondary to the man in their life.

I have family that have been together since they were in secondary school, they got engaged young, went to different unis but lived together. They only married in their mid 20’s after they’d bought an house and then they had their children, they are still going strong.

Myself and my DH were engaged by 19, married by 22 and we are still together 15 years later.

I don’t think YABU to be worried but it is only an engagement, it doesn’t mean they are getting married anytime soon and it sounds like they have a good relationship and he sound very sensible and level headed.

We met at Uni, got married just after we left, and are still happily married 40+ years later.

It's not as if he's getting married now, so I'd smile and be supportive.

YABU - Me and DH met aged 16 when some of his friends moved to the sixth form I attended. We started dating a couple of days after we met. We then went to the same university, lived together etc. We didn't get engaged until we were 25 and married at 26. We now have 2 kids together and a really great life. I'm now 33 so we'll have been together 17 years this coming October.

I suspect if we'd got engaged at 18 people would have assumed 'its not going to last' etc. Rolled eyes and such. Ironically by the time we finally did get engaged we'd been facing pressure/mounting questions from our parents about when we were finally going to get married.

Whether he gets engaged at 18 or 28, I doubt it will have much impact on whether they actually stay together/are happy, and surely his/their happiness is the main thing? Based on my experience I would encourage you to not overthink it, support him and don't judge.

They sound sweet but I’m a bit concerned that, with them going to different universities he may be wanting engagement because then she will wear a ring and talk about “my fiancé” when meeting new people, which is a much more definitive, massive “stay away” signal to other men. This could be borne out of insecurity in his part, but it could also be a sign of possessiveness and controlling tendencies. Ditto the living together. I hope I’m wrong but just worth thinking about.

I don't know if the engagement will last but I do think it's lovely and actually quite sensible as they're not going to marry until after uni. What he should avoid doing is getting financially embroiled - no buying a place together before marriage.

But - talking to her parents about marriage before proposing to her is a bit foolish. They're not going to keep it secret. Does he want her to hear about the proposal from them not him?

I think most people who went to university have a story of someone they knew at school that married their childhood sweetheart and are still married now (age 60 in the case of my classmates and 35 years plus married), but we also know a lot who engaged and then split at uni, and we also know some that engaged at graduation and split up after 2-3 years of work.
so It can work, and at same time it won’t in some cases. Ever was, ever will be,

there are, imho, 2 reasons for this

1. the human brain doesn’t stop developing until 23/24 years old, and goes through its last big developmental stage in late puberty . It’s one of reasons , for instance, that a lot of serious mental health issues don’t manifest until then. A boy of 18 will, quite literally, be mentally different to the man he is at 25. Those changes rewrote to emotional maturity, etc so will effective relationships
2. On top of the physiologically changes I think people become very different once they start working and leave home (be that 18 or 21) Their focus changes, they experience more “real life” adulting like paying bills with no parenteral net to catch them. It changes people , their priorities, their pleasures etc . I don’t think you really come into your own until you’ve left home and had to support yourself fully in whatever way that is- even if it’s on benefits,

so, as long as they don’t head off to legalise it n the next few year theoretically it’s ok. But, if they’re at same uni, it will isolate them a bit- they’ll be a couple before they start even in freshers and other singles will find it harder to relate to them. But it’s not impossible

id Not say anything now, avoid alienating but drop these points in over next year. Certainly I’d be giving a pep talk to tell ds to ensure he joins in things just for him and not hang out with fiancé all the time- there’s a great temptation to do that given it’s comforting and familiar in a strange places . Suggest maybe different halls for first term ? Tel oh I’m he needs to spread his wings independently too, and that’ll make him a better husband - tell him it’s not good for either of them to become too co dependant

I agree with pp that I'd be more concerned about them living together. If they spend all their free time together, it will limit each of them making friends independently and getting fully involved in their own universities. And if they should break up, or even go through a rough patch, it will be umpteen times more difficult if they're tied into a rental contract together.

I think it's quite sweet but agree it's a bit barmy, they've not had to put their relationship through any of the tests of adulthood yet and are still living at home with their parents. I don't blame you for feeling this way! I'd also worry that he's doing this as a way of trying to tie to her to him through uni, maybe that he's panicking about the possibility of her finding new people and changing through that process (which let's face it is quite likely).

So long as they're not planning to get married just yet though, I'd try to bite back the worry and be supportive, just don't encourage/let them dive into wedding planning just yet. Say you'll help organise/pay for the wedding (if that's possible) after they graduate. I hope it works out for them 🙂

As soon as I clicked on this thread I knew it would be full of happy stories about people that have been with their DH since they were 12 and are now expecting their 4th child +/- people screaming at you for being controlling and interfering (MN has a lot more people that treat their kids as fully responsible adults from the second they turn 18 compared to most people I know IRL who would be having absolute kittens about this if they were being honest about it!).

The reason I personally would be so anxious about this if it was my DS wouldn't be because I think an engagement is in any way legally irreversible or because I think 18 is too young to commit necessarily - I know obviously there are happy stories about teen romances working out and them staying together forever but by far the majority from my own kids and all their friends is the relationship goes through significantly rocky patches (causing great misery on both sides), and in most cases, ends before they've finished uni. These always feel like terrible, prolonged, devastating heartbreaks to the kids at the time as it is, how much worse would be it if it's actually an engagement they're breaking off, with all the attendant shame/embarrassment and anger and having to tell everyone, both for the break-up-er and the break-up-ee. Then that casting a shadow over future relationships (like Stacey on Gavin and Stacey who has to confess she's been engaged 5 times already lol!). Just unnecessary surely when they can stay together and get engaged at 21 with the means and ability to actually marry shortly after that, if they still want to?

Although in fact it's the planning to live together bit that worries me even more, halls and flatmates and new friends and independence (with all the ups and downs that go with that) are such a rite of passage and important part of growing up IMO - if they go to separate unis does living together mean having to privately rent a house? That would be a totally different experience, even if they can live together in halls couples accommodation will be full of much older, probably post graduate students and again a totally different experience. Would they not consider each getting a room in their own flat and splitting their time between them or similar? But perhaps that ship has sailed?

I totally agree that coming down heavily on your DS or telling he shouldn't would be a really bad idea, but could you gently encourage him to think more in terms of the impact on his girlfriend of what he's suggesting. If she loves and cares about him, which I'm sure she does, she's not going to say no to a romantic beach proposal (I'm sure to an 18 year old in love this would be tantamount to an immediate break-up) and being a caring and moral person she will regard that as a firm long-term commitment come what may - is he being fair to ask that of her? Have they, really, honestly talked about this? Can he be sure this is what she really wants at this very young age? I'm normally very ick at the thought of a promise ring (meaningless term in most circumstances) but would it be kinder if he gave her the ring as a promise of his commitment without absolutely requiring a promise from her of the same? Still very romantic but puts the ball much more in her court and allows them both a bit more flexibility in how they present themselves to the world?

I wouldn’t be thrilled about this if it was my son, or daughter.