DS proposing at 18

He should absolutely not speak to her parents until she says yes, If he wants to do the ceremonial asking of her father that's something. She and he could end up very embarrassed if she has no.

I have to agree, and that part of the op is worrying. It seems this young man wants to tie his gf down before she has the chance to mature and asking her father’s permission is definitely crossing a line. If any man tried to do that with me I’d certainly run a mile. Women are not property of anyone, not their parents or possible future spouse. It’s not cute nor respectful.

Agreed. My now-husband was very clear that if I ever found out he’d asked my Dad before me I’d have said no! We informed my family (and his) of our plans to marry. Information, not permission.

PS I would STRONGLY dissuade them from living together at uni. You can give all sorts of reasons - halls are more sociable, likely easier access to lectures / library / events etc - but the real reason is that if they do split up during the year they will be absolutely screwed in terms of trying to find new accommodation mid-year.

What is wrong with that? My daughter got married a couple of years ago and we were delighted that her fiancé asked my husbands permission.

Delighted? 🤢 Your husband doesn’t own your daughter, she is not property to be passed from him to someone else. I hope my daughter would run a mile from men like that.

Seriously? is that how you view your daughter? Not as an equal in society but as someone whose father needs to be asked to hand her over. I find that both astonishing and sad.

My son and dil met at comp and have been together since they were 14. Went to the same university, and after graduating they married in 2006. They now have 2 DS, and have a fabulous life.
When you know, you know.

I had a boyfriend all through uni at aged 20 on graduation day he proposed and I was horrified and said no. It ended shortly after and he proposed to one of my friends who said yes, they married and he is a great father and husband - they have been married 28 years now.

do I regret it? Nope - he wanted to marry and having told me I was the only person - 4 months later he proposed to someone else - he wanted marriage and children to anyone

support - suggest halls whilst they make friends but better they live together and make joint friends than they sit in their uni rooms Facebook timing every night

It’s young to be thinking of marriage. But the engagement isn’t really a problem as he’s said they won’t get married for at least a few years. They might stay together that long, they might not. If there’s any talk of getting married sooner, I’d definitely try to get them to wait. Engagements don’t really mean anything when there’s no intention of marriage soon.

Saying that, I met my partner just before we both went to uni and we’re still together 25 years later so it can work out.

I’d let it play out - they might separate at uni, they might have found the right person very young. Only time will tell.

I’d be supportive and not suggest it will all probably fall apart at uni. But likely it will all fall apart at uni. Yes many here met their OH at 18 and still together, but these times are very different and the world a much bigger place.

However, I might have a chat about how fair it is to put the expectations of marriage on a girl of 18. She might get to uni and figure she wants a bit of freedom, but the expectations to settle down are much much bigger on women than men. She may feel very put upon to be engaged so young, even if she does feel exactly the same right now. A bit of freedom as an adult can quickly change minds and leaving her feeling guilty and like she’s missing her ‘big chance to settle down’ is quite unfair.

I’d just support him and be ready to pick up the pieces if they break up down the line.

lots of couples break up during university but of course some will make it.

What is wrong with that? My daughter got married a couple of years ago and we were delighted that her fiancé asked my husbands permission.

There's not a lot you can do about it really, she may say no. It does sound to me like he is making his territory somewhat. If she is wearing an engagement ring she'll be off limits.

Absolutely fascinated by the almost overwhelmingly positive response you have had. They sound very sweet and in love. However, and this isn’t necessarily helpful to you as there’s not much you can do about it, it’s very likely that at least part of his motivation is insecurity at the idea of all the new people they are about to meet. Putting a ring on her finger before freshers’ week is tactical, even if he genuinely doesn’t see it that way.

I hope that it goes well. I also hope she feels able to say no if she is unsure.

I'd be concerned he is going to speak to her parents. That sounds hideously patriarchal. Surely it is for his fiancee to be to discuss it with her parents? Don't tell me he is going to ask for her dad's permission to propose to her? Vom!

It all sounds very immature and story book - I'd nod along for now - but certainly have a word about treating her as an equal and not a possession.

I would be very supportive and kind but gently steer him away from this and also make him promise they won't actually get married until post university.

Getting engaged is meaningless and to be brutal the odds are they will split before then so nature will likely take its course. Getting married at 18 and when you're just about to go to university would be a very silly thing to do indeed.

Chances are they will both grow out of it. I'd be as supportive as you can about the relationship but make it clear you won't support marriage for some time and certainly not until they've graduated.

Sounds fine. Most likely it won't survive Uni, but that's not an issue.

I'd be quite pleased that he thinks that when you find a keeper you put a ring on it, as opposed to thinking getting a shag is the be all and end all of it.

He's being quite sensible about not rushing into an actual wedding, its rather sweet that he wants to show his commitment to her. Why is it a bad thing?

My BF of two years proposed to me at the same age and I was horrified. I was absolutely clear that I was going to uni and did not plan to be engaged. It broke us up tbh. I know mine is just one story but bear in mind he might be let down.

Aw, young love. I think you have managed it right so far. Don't laugh but don't take it too seriously.
There is a slim chance that it will work out but unlikely. My DC are 25 and 27 and of their friends there were a few who were with a GF or BF from 16, some lasted right through uni but then broke up. Some broke up sooner. There is one couple that met at 17 and are still together ten years later planning a wedding next year. DS kept up a long distance relationship for his entire time at uni only for her to dump him in the middle of his final exams. In hindsight he regreted wasting his uni years travelling to meet up and never fully engaging with uni social life.
He is being very sensible to view it as a long engagement. My only concern would be if she wanted to leap in and get married sooner.

Glad you posted this as I’m thinking exactly the same. I wonder if his goal is to get her all tied up before uni in an attempt to clip her wings so she doesn’t ‘grow’ and open herself up to all the opportunities that will be available to her. If I were her parents I wouldn’t be at all pleased, even if I had known him all his life and was fond of him.

I don't blame you, even though I think they'll never end up married, they could end up locked in to it, with a baby, or cohab sharing finances.

Being together should be a choice that you wake up and make every day or every month when you're 18. Feeling obligated will kill it. hopefully

My ex, married his first wife at 20 . They met and dated from 14. By 26 she was petitioning for divorce. They were divorced by 30.
they had no kids
but did have a house by then but also debt- so they both didn’t really gain or loose much from the marriage
tbh, I always felt it wasn’t much different than me where I’d Ben liv No with various boyfriends since final year at uni . Except it cost them more

the big factor is level of commitment they make and how much of a mess it is legally, fanncially, or ven custody of kids, if they marry young and then split

so now I’m thinking about it a bit more, I’d be way way more concerned about an unexpected pregnancy or them launching into planned parenthood very young - now that could be catastrophic for their future. I’d certainly be talking to a son of mine about be damn sure he wasn’t going to make a baby accidentally