DS proposing at 18

It doesn't really mean anything, let them crack on. DH was 18 when we met and we lived together for the last year of uni. We got engaged at 22. We are 38 now!

So only the independently wealthy can decide to marry young?

Not much you can do.

I would be so disappointed if this was either of my kids age 19 and 20. I want them to be free at university without a serious commitment. I like them having flatmates, friends, travelling etc without a serious relationship to affect their lives.

I don’t know any teen age 18 even close to proposing.

But just calmly support him and see what happens.

People who say oh they’re 18, they’re adults … technically yes, but whose income is taken into account for student support loan purposes? Who’s paying the rent on student halls? Where do they live in the holidays if they don’t have 52-week rentals?

They are young adults who still have lots of growing up to do. Tbh sweet though it sounds, it’s more a sign of immaturity to want to be engaged when you’ve got no resource, income, housing sorted etc and no ability to do so for at least 3 years. It feels like kids playing at being grown up - and she in particular regret being tied down so publicly and so soon rather than having the opportunity to start uni as her own person rather than one half of a couple. What’s the rush?

With all the people saying they got married v young and are still together etc, it should be borne in mind that kids are very different now. More mature and knowledegeable in some ways but much less so in others. Either way, i don't see that this particular lad is doing anything wrong. As to whether it will last, who knows...

DH and I have been together since we were 18, we knew we were going to be married from within the first year of our relationship.
We went to university opposite ends of the UK, then he proposed aged 22 after his first couple of months in a graduate job, just as we moved in together in a flat share with friends. We married a few weeks after I graduated medical school. Never had a hiccup so far, we’ve been together 15 years, 2 kids.
He sounds really sensible, and isn’t rushing down the aisle - I would be supportive if he has decided to propose, it will either work out or otherwise it will hopefully make it easier for him to turn to you for support if they break up.

This is so sweet. It's just an engagement. It's not a contract written in blood.

He's spoken to his own parents, why shouldn't he also speak to hers? It's not about a father's "permission", these days people talk to both parents and ask for their blessing. Plenty of threads on here that illustrate how being on good terms with one's in-laws is a good thing.

Think this depends on relative maturity of couple at play. Heaps of people on the thread saying they met their now husbands very young and are still together.

Offering a different perspective, my husband and I met at 30 and 31 and married at 34 and 35. I think we’d both say we’ve matured hugely since we were late teens - almost to extent we’re completely different people.

I’d be interested to know what stats say about success of relationships between people who first meet in their late teens and who then go on to different universities.

Someone in my son's year did his. He's now living with his boyfriend.

An engagement isn’t really a commitment when marriage is years away, it doesn’t mean anything. They may stay together, they may not. Leave them to it unless they suddenly decide they’re getting married soon, then I’d be more concerned as they’re so young.

I agree - it all seems a bit fairytale/romantic movie. Obviously pull him up on the blatant sexism, as that is wrong, but apart from that I think you have to let it play itself out, one way or another.

You can't do much about the engagement but I would strongly recommend they live separately for at least the first year of Uni. It's a time of independence and experimentation, maturing and being silly, finding new friends - a strong connection will survive all that and a childhood romance may or may not. I would wish for them both to live a bit before settling down but you can't say or do much about it.

Didn't go to Uni but I met my husband at school aged 14.
Engaged at 17
Married at 23
Two perfect boys later and I'm 54 and happy

I reckon it's just a young fella caught up in the 'romance' of it all. Playing at being a grown up but not fully understanding all of it. I don't think he's automatically a misogynist, just may not really get why this would be massively offensive for a lot of women.

Aren't you a ray of sunshine?

You have no say in this, ignore pps who tell you to "gently encourage" anything. It may seem like a big step but it works for many people. A lot of things could happen, they could stay together, could get to uni and find they aren't as well suited as they thought. Just support your DS what ever happens and be glad that he feels close enough to you to share his plans, he sounds sensible

I was proposed to at 18 pre uni and said i wasn’t ready. Still dated for a few months.

I then started dating my now husband at later end of 19… we got engaged at 28 and married at 29 and are happily still married at 35.

Engagement doesn’t mean much - make sure he gets an affordable “just for now” ring e.g. a simple band or silver with semi precious stones. Great for taking to places you might lose it like going back packing in future life if it all works out.

This.

I entered uni with a serious boyfriend who I was madly in love with, by third year had made a whole bunch of new friends who were more fun to be around, BF and me started to develop different interests. By the end of uni we had gone different ways and grown apart.

Your kid sounds very mature and sensible so I would stay out, let him do his thing and figure it out by himself. If it's meant to be it's meant ti be and if it's not it's not.

Don't meddle.

I agree I think asking the father is ridiculous, but if she says yes then afterwards "asking the fathers permission" is a nod to the tradition before announcing. "Asking" the parents before her is really a very bad idea.

They are both adults so there’s really nothing you can do but support them and watch it play out.

What’s your general feeling about the relationship? Does it seem healthy? That’s the main thing.

My boyfriend proposed to me at this age but I now know he did it as a way to control me. The ring was like his way of making sure everyone knew I was taken. I was an idiot, I wanted to say no but I didn’t want the relationship to end so I said yes. We lasted through uni (went to different unis but close by) but broke up shortly after graduating when I found out he’d been cheating on me all through uni. Just my experience though, but I do think it’s a red flag that he wants to tie her down at such a young age. What’s the point if there’s no intention to actually get married until after uni, just wait a bit and make sure.

I completely agree. I feel sorry for him, I really do. It's a completely desperate move, borne out of insecurity. Perhaps he thinks that she's out of his league? And that she's going to find someone better at uni.

It sounds like living together is designed to stop her from meeting new people. And the engagement is designed to scare other guys away. Unfortunately, this is how men think, especially 'nice guys'. It's neither sweet nor romantic - it's suffocating, controlling and fundamentally manipulative. I would think that if her parents were switched on, they would feel the same way.

If he really loved her, he would tell her that he intended to propose as soon as they graduated. It's doing the right thing by her, rather than the selfish 'nice guy' move he has clearly been planning. What's worse is that he is clearly trying to manipulate both sets of parents by asking in advance, almost 'locking in' both parents like an arranged marriage.

What is this ceremonial asking of her father shite? I got married in the 1990s and my dad would have been appalled if anyone thought he had the right to give or deny permission for me to make a major life decision. 30 years ago my late father new that was offensive and sexist bullshit. Why are women's rights going backwards?

I know a few people who got together as young teenagers, got married as young adults, and are still married into their 30s and beyond. Most importantly, they are happy and leading fulfilling lives. My point being: it’s not necessarily a bad thing!

I would just support him and celebrate the news but be there for him if it all goes pear shaped.