Page 4 | DS proposing at 18

AnxiouslyWait · 30/06/2023 23:25

Aww I think it’s very sweet!

Ponderingwindow · 30/06/2023 23:23

even If they get engaged, I would
discourage them from living together the first year. Or at the very least make sure they find a place that either of them can afford solo.

It’s hard to navigate, you can’t say no, but you have the wisdom of experience to know that this will probably lead to pain and turmoil.

The financial fallout from being stuck in a lease together if they break up is probably the biggest problem though.

Feelingss · 30/06/2023 23:19

Belltentdreamer · 30/06/2023 15:57

Don’t worry they’ll break up at uni engagement or not 🤣

Lots of people don’t 🙄

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 23:15

Addicted2Kale · 30/06/2023 23:11

Very sad that people are more supportive of sleeping around, dysfunction and degeneracy than actual commitment. Leave him to propose and conduct his relationship.

That said, I think any man generally is mad to want marriage (with the current state of society), given they now gain very little from it, more than half end up in divorce and 80% are initiated by women.

Why is it your idea that the alternative to bustling about with engagement rings and tying yourself down when you’re barely a legal adult and have zero life experience is ‘sleeping around, dysfunction and degeneracy’?

Addicted2Kale · 30/06/2023 23:11

Very sad that people are more supportive of sleeping around, dysfunction and degeneracy than actual commitment. Leave him to propose and conduct his relationship.

That said, I think any man generally is mad to want marriage (with the current state of society), given they now gain very little from it, more than half end up in divorce and 80% are initiated by women.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 30/06/2023 23:02

It sounded to me like the plan was to get engaged and live together whilst at uni with a plan to marry after graduation. This sounds pretty sensible to me. There is of course a possibility that they'll break up before they graduate but getting engaged is not an irreversible or catastrophic decision just (potentially) a mutual declaration of how seriously they take the relationship and where they see it heading.

Not many people marry their first serious boyfriend / girlfriend but it is far from unknown and not necessarily undesirable as long as no-one is being rushed or pressured into anything.

Bromptotoo · 30/06/2023 22:58

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

Not at all. They've known each other for ever and been partners long enough to know each other's minds etc.

We are/were pretty similar. DP and her oldest friend met at at a girls Grammar School aged 11. Friend's son (b 04/1991) and our daughter (b 12/92) grew up meeting regularly three or four times a year and on holidays both UK and in France.

Like you might with cousins is the nearest analogy I can come up with.

When he was 14 and she 12 going on 13 they took an interest in one another. Spotted them holding hands in the back of my car coming home from a trip to the zoo...

Both sets of parents kept a watching brief and agreed it was what it was and we'd let it develop or turn to sh!t. Rather than spend hours driving them to see each other the learned, aged 14/15 on to use trains alone. The ability to use Live Arrivals, mobiles to monitor progress and to communicate and with either set of parents able to turn out by car if it went completely titzup made problems soluble. Massively useful experience for later; they never turned a hair with planes or trains screwing up at Uni etc.

We had an agreed line with his parents about supervision, age of consent etc but once she was 16 we 'let them get on with it' - precautions had been dinned in by both sets of parents.

They lasted through separate Universities, albeit not without problems, and sorted themselves to live together and work etc after graduation.

They're now married and we have a 21mo grandson..

ModernLifelsRubbish · 30/06/2023 22:32

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 20:59

That doesn’t illustrate that getting married to your teenage boyfriend/girlfriend is a good idea, though — just that you’re still married to the same person. It might well equally well be an instance of you having cramped and held one another back from all kinds of interesting, mind-broadening experiences you would have had if you hadn’t tied one another down so young.

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We did those things together. I mean, we could've done them individually, or with other people... But doing them with the person you love best in the world was far more fun.

NameChangeThreeThousand · 30/06/2023 21:54

Babsexxx · 30/06/2023 15:47

Yabu he wants to reassure her and for her to feel like she still very much matters despite such big changes happening in there lives! He’s not rushing up the aisle he’s proposing for a engagement that could go on for literally years and making a commitment to her…I think it’s very sweet!

Ahhhhh loves young dream!

This

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/06/2023 21:17

Support him /them

It's only an engagement. Not rushing marriage then I would Worry

Things may change once at uni

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 20:59

ModernLifelsRubbish · 30/06/2023 18:47

DH proposed to me when he was 19 and we'd known each other for five days. I said yes and we've been married for over 20 years. Just to illustrate that it can work!

Your DS sounds lovely OP!

That doesn’t illustrate that getting married to your teenage boyfriend/girlfriend is a good idea, though — just that you’re still married to the same person. It might well equally well be an instance of you having cramped and held one another back from all kinds of interesting, mind-broadening experiences you would have had if you hadn’t tied one another down so young.

alittleadvicepls · 30/06/2023 20:55

Aw OP he sounds all ready to go! I wouldn’t be so pleased if DS got engaged at 18 but sounds like his mind is made up. Best thing you can do is be supportive and/or be around if it doesn’t work out. It’s an exciting time for him! Also helps that her parents are onboard!

ChocChipHandbag · 30/06/2023 20:47

burndelight · 30/06/2023 20:44

Yes, we are using our savings for him to help cover uni accommodation costs, His grandparent shave over £30,000 saved for him and have given him about £12,000 of it so far, the rest of their savings plus alot of ours will be available for buying a house/wedding etc. when the time is right.

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Yes, but are we talking multiple thousands on the ring?

Original poster

burndelight · 30/06/2023 20:44

ChocChipHandbag · 30/06/2023 20:40

Oh my goodness I hope it’s only a small proportion of the money that his grandparents have saved for him?

Yes, we are using our savings for him to help cover uni accommodation costs, His grandparent shave over £30,000 saved for him and have given him about £12,000 of it so far, the rest of their savings plus alot of ours will be available for buying a house/wedding etc. when the time is right.

OP posts:

ChocChipHandbag · 30/06/2023 20:40

Oh my goodness I hope it’s only a small proportion of the money that his grandparents have saved for him?

coles85 · 30/06/2023 20:40

I do agree with you that 18 is a bit young - however I've been with my partner for 20 years this year - known each other all our lives and started dating at 18 (still not engaged or married though!).

One piece of advice I'd give to you is to be supportive and kind to his girlfriend. My partners DM wasn't all that lovely to me when I was 18 - nothing terrible but she clearly didn't think I was worth her time...20 years later I'm the mother of her grandkids and as much as we get on ok, I haven't forgotten how she made me feel when I was young and trying to make a good impression.

They might not last long-term...but if they do you don't want her to resent you for the way you behaved when they got engaged.

Original poster

burndelight · 30/06/2023 20:35

alittleadvicepls · 30/06/2023 18:41

Completely off topic but did he already buy a ring? Just me being nosy 🙈

They are very young. I thought I’d marry my boyfriend when I was 18. He got me a pretty ring but it was more like a promise ring- far from an engagement. Then we went to uni and I discovered a whole new world. It’ll be interesting to see how her parents react. No doubt you’ll be getting a call from them.

He has bought a ring !! It is gorgeous actually (his grandparents have been saving for him monthly since he was born and gave him some of this money to travel this summer and extra to get stuff, so he got the ring with this)

Her mum just rang me asking my thoughts, she seems much more relaxed about it than I am my DH and her DH have been joking since they were about 12 that they'd end up together. My Dh and two of his friends used to have "sunday club" where once a month on a Sunday they would take all the kids for a roast dinner and out to some museum, castle etc. They said the pair of them were always inseparable.
Her mum thinks it was just a matter of time and there is no harm in being engaged as long as they aren't diving into marriage.

OP posts:

Chickenkeev · 30/06/2023 20:12

mummyoffourminimes · 30/06/2023 19:55

It's a legal and financial contract which is why I think there are more benefits to marriage young whilst you have few assets and build these together.

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I think that escapes a lot of people, younger and older alike. For OP, that would be a good conversation to have.

IridescentRainbird · 30/06/2023 20:12

He sounds a lovely boy. Let them enjoy this time. Young love is a very powerful thing. And in my experience the more you oppose it, the more they will pull together, and against you. When my ex husband was going mad because our daughter had announced her engagement, I said "Just let her enjoy the excitement and her pretty ring. She won't marry him anyway" When she changed her mind, as I knew she would, she felt able to tell me, because she wasn't afraid I'd say "I told you so".

BretonBlue · 30/06/2023 19:58

Mumtothreegirlies · 30/06/2023 19:30

Leave him to it. Marriage is just a bit of paper and engagement is just a promise a promise that can easily be broken just like a marriage certificate.
he’s an adult now and can do whatever he feels is right for him. Your job now is to watch on the sidelines and keep your fingers crossed.
I’ve been with my husband since we were 14 years old. 21 years and still together.
lot of people we know have been together since their teens. Stop trying to control him.

If marriage is ‘just a bit of paper’ then so are your contract with your employer and the deeds to your house. It is a legally binding contract.

mummyoffourminimes · 30/06/2023 19:55

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 30/06/2023 19:51

Marriage is just a bit of paper and engagement is just a promise a promise that can easily be broken just like a marriage certificate.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's equivalent to a legally binding contract. Read some of the threads here about division of assets at divorce, or what happens when a couple in a long term relationship who aren't married break up, and one partner (usually the woman) has no assets.

It's a legal and financial contract which is why I think there are more benefits to marriage young whilst you have few assets and build these together.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 30/06/2023 19:51

Marriage is just a bit of paper and engagement is just a promise a promise that can easily be broken just like a marriage certificate.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's equivalent to a legally binding contract. Read some of the threads here about division of assets at divorce, or what happens when a couple in a long term relationship who aren't married break up, and one partner (usually the woman) has no assets.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 30/06/2023 19:48

I have to admit I would be a little disappointed if one of my DC had got engaged at 18 but I was engaged at 19 and married at 20 and we are still happily married 40 years later .
If they dont marry for a while getting engaged will make no difference. If it lasts they will be older when they marry and if they doesnt it will be over . There is also a chance his GF will say no .

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/06/2023 19:48

willstarttomorrow · 30/06/2023 19:41

Do not do anything or say anything. They are adults and it is encouraging they still plan to be apart. If it does not work out, then that will be it. There are lots of posts on here saying how well things worked out and lots of my friends from uni got together and have lasted the test of time. I met someone I adored but could not shake the feeling I needed to live more first. It worked out in the end but actually we would have been great together. The worst thing you can do is interfere

How is their intention to live together next year planning to be apart?

thimbbwebelr153 · 30/06/2023 19:46

Tell him to listen to "champagne problems" by Taylor swift. Will discourage him from telling lots of people before he has an answer. If she says no and loads know he's asked he will be humiliated. If he asks and she says yes just let them get on with it. It's an engagement not a marriage yet (obviously encourage log engagement)