Six weeks paternity.

My partner has 6 weeks he can take and we chose to do three full weeks and then a week back at work, week off, week back at work and so on. Got to say I loved it. Also 6 weeks off could be the perfect chance for him to learn to cook. I remember crying at 2 weeks feeling completely overwhelmed and thinking I don't know how I'd cope if hubby was off to work now. I felt so lucky to have him around.

God no. My ex didn’t take paternity until 10wks with DS as I had my mum over at first who was more helpful. I think he did take it straight away with DD but I couldn’t have coped with 6wks of him, jeez no (probably why he’s my ex)

You'll probably need him and be grateful of it when it comes.

Get him trained up on the domestic stuff now. Talk to him about how in the first few weeks your job is to focus on the baby and establishing bf and his job is to care for you so you can do this. You can find lots of materials to demonstrate this if you'd rather someone else was saying it, because it can sound a little selfish until you've actually been there/done that

Not the point of the thread, but no need to get married in every circumstance! As the higher earner with more assets, I would make myself more financially vulnerable if I got married to my partner and father of my two children. Let women choose the family set up that works best for them instead of berating them about marriage.

OP - I think as previous posters have suggested, SPL might be the way forward. Also sounds like he might need some guidance on cooking, cleaning etc ahead of the birth, as this is where he will really be able to help you as you recover. However, lovely that he is so excited about spending time with his new baby!

I think maybe get him to save a couple of weeks - but honestly having my DH around after both births was incredible.

First was in Covid - so although we was working, was able to be around.

This time he took 5 weeks off (but I had a planned section after an emergency section with my first).
If you have a baby who doesn't like to be put down, then having an extra pair of hands will be amazing! They wake to feed a lot in the early days - so my DH being home to allow me to have a long nap in the day, without having to worry was really helpful!

I even got my MIL round to look after the toddler for a week over Xmas and NYE as nursery was closed. DH looked after me, I looked after baby, grandparents looked after toddler 😂

It’s not all about looking after you and the house, he’s entitled to time to bond with the baby, just as you are.

I don't know why people are surprised you have only really done 2 weeks max continuous time together in your relationship. If you both work, that's pretty standard eh?

I've been with my partner for 14 years and we have never spent more than 2 weeks at a time together during holidays.

Well we were obviously together all the time just the two of us during lockdown and it was great!

We never ran out of things to do or say and loved spending all that time together. I think it’s a shame for anyone that doesn’t have that.

Train him now to cook and clean and then accept the support after the baby is born.

My DH was self employed and couldn’t take any time. It would have been lovely.

I can't imagine being so co-dependent that I'd want to spend all my time with one person. Works both ways. It would be a very boring existence just to see your partner and nobody else (on your own, at least) - what would you talk about?

You sound very judgemental. Yuk. Not everyone wants to get married

I’m planning on breast feeding and while he tries his best with domestic tasks he’s not great (he can throw a pasta together with a jar of sauce or cook beige food in the oven) and he’ll mop the floor if I ask him to but he always needs directing.

Get a cleaning rota, the organised mum method is good as it literally spells stuff out for him. There is an app you can pay a couple of quid for.

For cooking, he better start practicing now. Everyone has to learn somewhere. Simple recipes, or use something like hello fresh or gusto. You could also get him to batch cook some things.

If he is grown man about to have a baby, he should be capable of learning how to cook and clean.

I dont think its necessarily a good idea to have a baby with someone who needs told to run a mop over the floors tbh.

We'll see you posting in a few years about your useless partner who does no cooking, cleaning, laundry, organising of kids or family life.

"You love the bones" of him and he's your best friend - I don't see the problem?

I think you should plan to be a bit flexible, if possible, as you will have no idea how you will feel after birth.

My DH took 4 weeks at the start (planned for 2, but his work generously gave him 2 extra, when DS spent 2 weeks in hospital). Then 4 weeks at the end, when I started back at work. This was ideal - it really made the transition back to work easier, knowing that he was at home and coming back to dinner on the table. It meant he could do lots of fun days out too, once DS was past the constant breastfeeding stage. And he dealt with nursery settling in days, which I would have found hard.

Also I hate this assumption that being married is better; I made myself more financially vulnerable by getting married.

We had this due to Covid as DH was furloughed 2 weeks after baby was born and it was actually really lovely however we weren’t on top of each other as we both like a little space even if it’s just different rooms and I think on balance I’d prefer him at home for 3 weeks and then have more annual leave to take in the next few months.

Right, the first bit I totally got, me and my DH spend as much time together as possible.

But the second part? Not everyone gets married. Marriage is not a requirement for having a baby.

Things that can be helpful if he goes back to work at 2 weeks and takes other weeks later: making your lunch before he starts work, something you can eat one-handed over a baby’s head. Filling your water bottle and making sure snacks, phone charger and TV remote are all easily accessible from the sofa when you get trapped under a baby.

Have you considered taking shared parental leave? You can take it in parallel if you want.

It’s his baby too, he should be there during the early weeks to bond and help look after the baby. Also, his sleep will be badly impacted too so he probably won’t be able to function properly at work.

It really does depend on the baby you get. Aside from cluster feeds each evening, DC2 slept solidly for the first 16 weeks; I barely saw him with his eyes open. Got lots of sleep, ate lots of cake. I’d have found the partner at home more helpful at six months for the messy weaning part, or later on when they drop the third nap and want lots of entertainment and get separation anxiety.

Sounds like your DP has separation anxiety himself? I would go Mental if I had to be in the same room as someone all the time and they came with me to the supermarket too. You’ll be touched out from the baby, wanting alone time, later on in maternity (it’s a looooong year): make sure DP takes the baby and leaves you alone at times instead of this short leash. So you might benefit from him having no annual leave later on, just for the space from him when you’re at your limits.

I agree with a PP. I was absolutely broken by about week 9 or 10 - sleep deprivation was real and the adrenaline had fully worn off. DH had the first 5 weeks off and it was amazing, especially as DS was quite colicky and unsettled in the evenings (you’ll be amazed how much holding and settling a newborn baby wants/needs between feeds) but with the benefit of hindsight, I reckon I would have rather he took time off later. Every experience is different, but I reckon 2 weeks at the start, 2 weeks at 6-8 weeks and 2 weeks at 12-14 weeks would have been better.

I also agree with another PP that the dynamic of having a partner working from home with a newborn can be tricky and probably more difficult to navigate than both being on leave. DH was desperate to give me a break and could see how tired I was, but was obviously supposed to be working. I tried not to bother him but on those days when the newborn won’t stop crying it’s really hard for the working partner to just ignore it and carry on.

If you are in the UK you should check out shared parental leave (SPL). It’ll shorten your leave a bit but it means your DP gets a good chunk of time off without eating into all of his annual leave.

I'd encourage him to do 4, thats a good amount to be confident changing nappies, reading cues and getting to sleep. But when baby is at 4 months and hardly sleeping, or 8 months and crawling everywhere, or weaned and you can actually have some time away you'll really appreciate the odd day or week. You could book an actual holiday somewhere.

Unless I'm misunderstanding, his wish to take time off to accompany you to a mums and bumps coffee morning sounds really quite suffocating. Why would you need him there? More to the point, why would the other mothers?

its lovely that he wants to be around, but try explaining to him that it’ll be better to have that time sporadically over the year. Then you can go on trips, or spend time together as the baby grows and develops, or maybe at other points when you really need a break.
2 weeks at the beginning whilst you’re healing and then random days/weeks off during the rest of the year would be much better.