Won't get a job!

The point at which DH needs to have it clearly communicated to him that his partner is going to leave unless he gets his lazy arse a job is a major problem.

This is not an adult to adult relationship. You’re describing a scenario of someone parenting a lazy teen and outlining consequences. As an adult who is supposed to care for his partner and child, he should already know what partnership is and be proactive in sorting his shit out.

I don’t know anyone who said that. All my friends are smart, hardworking women who either went back PT temporarily and then FT or FT straight after mat leave.

That’s true .

Yes, but he doesn’t know she’s planning to split up if he doesn’t get a job. He’s coasting, it probably hasn’t entered his mind that a break-up is on the cards. It might focus the mind.

If you read the op, the plan was for dp to get a job and be working by the time baby was 3-4 months. Baby is now six months old, and dp has only just started looking for a job, because op has pushed him (which has caused arguements).

Really? I think he deserves a chance to get a job and prove his commitment to his family.

No ultimatum. Just it's done. Too little too late. Otherwise he will just take anything and leave a month later. And you'll be in the same position but he will have wised up.

If he's a sahd and you split he would have a very good chance of becoming the resident parent if he takes you to court. Not only could you only see your baby EOW you would have to pay him maintenance!

Very good idea.

Tell him he needs any job at all in order to provide for his child or he's out. Once employed he can continue to look for the job he wants.

What are you going to do @mamalama86

Easy to get out of the habit of working. Think that’s what may have happened to your DH, particularly without any real financial incentive to find a job, any job. My OH just didn’t see himself, a master thatcher, working in any of the low-status low-paid jobs available round here. Then inherited a nice sum when his Mum died, so didn’t have to think about work until that money had all gone. (A year?) Then as I say, I just stopped buying food, as I can survive forever on Ryvita, it took me through my teens and twenties. I’d been saying for years that “I can’t afford to keep you”, I just had to demonstrate it and wish I’d done the demo long ago.

What a workshy loser! A good dad would be planning how to afford everything their dc needs, not running through their savings.

Why are you tolerating this, and why on earth are you spending your savings for you both to live on. There's so many jobs at the moment, he can't say he can't find something. The longer he's not working, the harder it'll be. Of course very different if you agree he will be a SAHP but it doesn't sound like that is the case

Hate to say it but I'd be having daily catchups about the job hunt, proofreading his applications, sending him ideas of places to apply etc.

I know that shouldn't be your job, but also every day he's at home he's eroding YOUR savings, yes yours. That's money you might need to fall back on one day if one of you gets ill or there's other unexpected expense.

If he won't engage with that then sadly I'd indicate that I am not willing to live a life where I pay for not only our mutual child but also him, a grown man.

And eventually I would give him the ultimatum below about finding a job or splitting.

I make him sound awful but he is a great dad

No he's not. He's refusing to contribute to the upbringing of his child.

@peachicecream

I fortunately have no personal experience of a cocklodger getting to keep the kids, but I have frequently read of similar situations on mumsnet, and to add insult to injury they neither looked after the children nor did housework or cooking to any great extent. The working mother still lost residency and had to pay the prat into the bargain.

I have every respect for real SAHPs, it is a job in itself and the family court should protect their rights.

Come on @mamalama86 theres loads of temp and agency work out there it’s just not what he wants to do and he’s putting bare minimum effort in. When I’m out of work or don’t have enough client work (now self employed) I do anything and everything to make that income up. I do cleaning work, delivery work, putting banners and signs up at supermarkets, doing admin, call centre and warehouse work through agencies. Is it my dream work no. Is the pay shit compared to my potential from clients etc - also yes. But I do it as not working isnt an option.

what would he have done if you didn’t have the savings?

What were you hoping to do with the savings?

I’d also be asking him what his plan is to replenish the savings to the previous amount within 12 months of his own back.

what would he do if you decided you’d had enough of his lacklustre approach to supporting his family and were leaving him? He’d no doubt manage to find a job or some work within a week.

good luck.

I think you need to set a timeline in your head and if nothing has improved then make your plans to leave/tell him to leave.

I wouldn't put up with this.

Why are you using your savings to support you all. He needs to get back to work now or your setting yourself up to be responsible for everything.

He’s not building up any pension either. He’s not a good dad or husband.

I mean you have put up with this for ages, and comforted him that you'll take care of it all, so we are obviously very different people with different values, but ther eis just no way I would put up with this. I would kick him out and have one less person to have to pay for.

This is nonsense!

If it were true, SAHMs who refuse to get a job would be losing their DC left, right and centre to fathers who were working full time.

How is he a great dad? Good parents want to support their children and spouse.

Is he using his savings to pay his share of the bills? I would ask him… why do I have to figure it out? You need to pay your share, you need to figure out how you are paying for your share.