Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay

36 replies

IneedanewTV · 28/06/2023 19:16

Been with my partner for many years but we do not live together for various reasons. We will, once the various kids have left for uni. So he earns about a third more than me. We both have mortgages, kids etc.

His best friend is celebrating a big birthday next month and has invited us to a hotel to celebrate over a weekend. The birthday boy will pay for a meal but we are paying for our hotel room.

am I being unreasonable to expect my partner to cover the total cost of the room rather than expecting me to pay 50%? It’s his friend after all. If we were to split up his friend would not keep in touch with me.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Hankunamatata · 28/06/2023 20:47

Don't go if you don't want to pay 50:50

billy1966 · 28/06/2023 20:46

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/06/2023 20:22

Would you go without him? I expect not as it's his friend, has he invited you? If yes then I'd expect him to pay. You're not going for a weekend away, he's taking you to a party he's been invited to.

This.

He sounds very tight.

I wouldn't be in a rush to move in with him.

Proudofitbabe · 28/06/2023 20:35

He earns more, and it's his friend. I'm
surprised he hasn't just booked it for you both.

Pinkscaf · 28/06/2023 20:22

50/50 or don't go if host means nothing to you

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/06/2023 20:22

Would you go without him? I expect not as it's his friend, has he invited you? If yes then I'd expect him to pay. You're not going for a weekend away, he's taking you to a party he's been invited to.

EasterBreak · 28/06/2023 20:21

Yanbu. If we are invited to bf friends events he pays and vi's versa

PurpleButterflyWings · 28/06/2023 20:20

And yes he CAN foot the whole bill. Why should he not? Especially as it's HIS mates. Saying 'ooh he can pay a third coz he earns a third more' is also petty and ludicrous. Basically narrowing down the pennies. Pathetic.

PurpleButterflyWings · 28/06/2023 20:19

GoodChat · 28/06/2023 20:15

@PurpleButterflyWings your suggestion makes no sense. You don't understand how couples (living completely separately) dont have shared finances but think he should foot the whole bill?

Surely, by your reckoning, he should just be paying a third more than her?

Of course I make sense. In couples who have been together a long time but don't live together, one of them can still pay for stuff 100%, and not quibble over the pennies and make sure their other half gives EXACTLY 50% back. Pathetic and petty.

Bournetilly · 28/06/2023 20:18

If you want to go then it should be split 50/50 you are both going to enjoy the night. If you don’t want to go then don’t go.

GoodChat · 28/06/2023 20:15

@PurpleButterflyWings your suggestion makes no sense. You don't understand how couples (living completely separately) dont have shared finances but think he should foot the whole bill?

Surely, by your reckoning, he should just be paying a third more than her?

PurpleButterflyWings · 28/06/2023 20:12

And THIS is why I am always baffled by the 'my money is mine/me no share' relationships!!! Always have been. I know a couple (unmarried) who have been together 23 years - no kids, both early 50s - and they never share ANYthing. He earns about a third more than her too. If they have a meal out and it's £43, and HER share is £23, and his is £20, he makes sure she pays the extra £3. If he picks up something for her (from Aldi for example,) and it costs £4.50, he makes sure he gets HIS money back. How depressing. Sad

I could not live like some people do with their separate monies, quibbling over pennies. With the one earning more than the other, (and keeping any surplus to themselves,) watching their partner/spouse go short while they squander on crap. It's the man earning more in most cases too let's be honest, and when a man IS the higher earner, he hardly ever shares. (And if he does, he deeply resents it.)

One (married) woman I know bought an Indian takeaway last week - £8 - and texted her husband of 7 years and said 'you owe me £4 now!' A woman I know at work texted her husband and asked him to get her prescription for her from Boots - 2 items. He messaged her 3 times that same day saying 'don't forget to give me my £19.30 You owe me that money blah blah blah!'

As I said, how depressing. I could not be in a relationship like this.

@IneedanewTV In this case, tell him 'his friend, his hotel bill!'

PurpleButterflyWings · 28/06/2023 20:12
Confused
solvendie · 28/06/2023 20:06

Do you want to go? If not let DP go alone and shoulder the cost. If you do, go 50:50 or chat about what you can afford to pay towards it

BelleMarionette · 28/06/2023 20:03

Do you want to go? If you don't, then stay home! That way the bill would be his (but he may pay less as single occupancy)

If you want to go, I don't see why you shouldn't pay half, for what is a shared short break away. Him buying the gift would be reasonable.

Original poster
IneedanewTV · 28/06/2023 20:02

Thank you. That’s fine. I have no problem in paying my share now that I have read your comments. Thanks again.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/06/2023 19:58

I think you should split it.

If you don't want to pay, don't go.

Merryoldgoat · 28/06/2023 19:57

I don’t understand relationships like this.

You’ve been together YEARS.

Food is covered - it’s a nice night away - why wouldn’t you split it?

This place would make you think everyone is in a dysfunctional relationship.

Gytgyt · 28/06/2023 19:55

How long exactly have you been dating? Agree with others..

Shinyandnew1 · 28/06/2023 19:53

It’s irrelevant if you wouldn’t see the friend again if you split up. You HAVEN’T split up and ARE going, so it’s 50/50.

If you didn’t want to go and he was trying to persuade you, then maybe it’s fair that he paid it all.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/06/2023 19:52

I'd split it 50/50 as either way it's a nice night away with my DP and we have both been invited.

TidyDancer · 28/06/2023 19:51

I would offer 50/50 but I think the previous suggestion of him solely paying for the birthday present is fair.

LtotheOG · 28/06/2023 19:50

50/50.

Whichclubisittonight · 28/06/2023 19:50

Have you ever been to a wedding/party for one of your family members or friends since you‘ve been together, and if so, who paid for the room?

If it was you (because I doubt your family member would keep in touch with him if you split up) then that has set a precedent and he should pay. If you went halves, them do that this time.

Personally, I would split it, unless he is dragging you there kicking and screaming and you‘re doing him a massive favour by going.

RunningUpThatMill · 28/06/2023 19:45

Can you afford to pay half? If so, I would've said 50/50. If not, you need to explain that to him - I would then expect him to pay if he wanted me to go.

NotOnYourNellies · 28/06/2023 19:33

50/50 for me , it’s irrelevant what he earns you will both equally enjoy it
Or decide on a cheaper room

Swipe left for the next trending thread