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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this text?

132 replies

jillmoan · 24/06/2023 12:36

I have a drinking problem, as in I become really aggressive sometimes. Been seeing someone for few weeks and surprise surprise, as my story so often goes, I got drunk, became nasty and ruined things.

I haven't stopped thinking about it all week (happened last Saturday) and we haven't spoken since. Today was the first day I had the guts to go back and look at the messages. The things I were saying were really horrible, really nasty.

I genuinely am not sending this message to get anything from him, however, I really need to let him know that I know I was vile and I know my behaviour wasn't acceptable and apologise.

Do you think this message is okay to send?

Hiya, listen just wanted to apologise for my behaviour/messages/phone calls the other night. As you can probably tell I have my struggles with alcohol and have for a while, it turns me into not a nice person. Just have to apologise as I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I believe my behaviour is acceptable, I know it’s not and I need to deal with it. I’ll delete your number etc and won’t pester you again, just needed to apologise for that night and the things I was saying/way I was behaving. Thanks.

OP posts:
Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 24/06/2023 13:41

I would send it. Part of recovery is taking responsibility and apologising.

Nicecow · 24/06/2023 13:39

I think it's a good text and you should send it, don't expect a response and they may have already blocked you. I'm sorry this happened and I hope you can work on your drinking Flowers

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/06/2023 13:38

As everyone has said, you can tell you're an addict. Addicts are awfully selfish and you probably can't see it, but that text is all about you. Look at how many times you use the word 'I'. It's all about apologising for your actions and how you don't want them to think you think it's ok. Its all about their opinion of YOU. When in fact you should be wholeheartedly apologising for what it was you said to them and the effect of your words on THEM. Any hurt and pain caused to them.

You need help, serious help. And you need to stop drinking. Tee-total never drink again. As you can see when sober quite rightly you'll have no one left.

Daisiesandprimroses · 24/06/2023 13:32

I think I remember reading this last time, is your desire to reach out to him manipulative, ie you want him to respond so you open communications again? Be honest.

SayHi · 24/06/2023 13:28

Did you not send an apology text the day after?

I would absolutely send an apology text but I feel a week later is a bit of a slap in the face tbh.

I would probably still send it but I’d assume he would have blocked you by now anyway.

Hardtime · 24/06/2023 13:16

Maybe: "You're right, I am an abusive drunk. I’ll delete your number etc and won’t pester you again, just wanted to apologise for my behaviour."

cassiatwenty · 24/06/2023 12:55

Ok like

I'm sorry for my behaviour the other night. I struggle with alcohol consumption at times, so I'd like to take responsibility and say I'm sorry. I hope you are doing well

(I wouldn't put Thanks at the end. You are taking responsibility and learning by making mistakes, and we all make mistakes.)

IDontWantToBeAPie · 24/06/2023 12:54

youveturnedupwelldone · 24/06/2023 12:39

No, don't send it. It won't make you feel better, it won't make the problem go away and it's not fair on him.

I think it's fair. If someone was horrible to me I'd want to know why and I'd like an apology.

Berlinlover · 24/06/2023 12:52

I wouldn’t send any text tbh. I’m not good with alcohol either, I gave up fifteen years ago and haven’t touched a drop since. It can be done.

MuserDame · 24/06/2023 12:50

I'd send the first part of that message, acknowledge your struggles with alcohol and say sorry. Don't put in the self-flagellating bit about deleting his number. That's either self-pitying or could come across as a bit manipulative?

This isn't somebody you dated for ten years so you're not messing with his head apologising. I'd just do it so that you feel better. And you will, I'd guess.

But then, take the focus off him and back on to your self. Have you listened to Catherine Gray - The joy of being sober?

maras2 · 24/06/2023 12:49

Agree with waterydoom
Good luck with stopping drinking👏

RosesAndHellebores · 24/06/2023 12:47

What waterproof said.
Glad to hear you are sorting yourself out. A happy drunk can drink in moderation, an abusive drunk can't at all.

Curseofthenation · 24/06/2023 12:47

Maybe something more along the lines of:

Hiya, I'm so sorry for the way I behaved the other night. I have a problem with alcohol but there is no excuse and I hope you know I didn't mean anything I said. I also hope I didn't hurt you. I will block you now and I obviously won't message you again.

He has probably already blocked you mind, if it really was that bad.

OnlyFannys · 24/06/2023 12:47

YouveGotAFastCar · 24/06/2023 12:45

It's a very-you centric message; which makes the apology seem less sincere... and it's quite rambling. It reads as if you are hoping that he'll feel sorry for you, and use it to start a conversation. Is that the case?

If you need to send anything; and I'd strongly recommend advising what you're hoping to get from it first, I'd aim for succinct.

"Hi. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour last week. I have a problem with alcohol and am taking steps to deal with it, but the behaviour was unacceptable and no reflection on you. I'm really sorry."

But again - You don't need to tell someone that you were just seeing that you have an alcohol problem. You can apologise without that information, if you feel you should. You can choose not to apologise, which may be healthier for you both.

I think this is better

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 24/06/2023 12:46

It might have been better if you hadn’t left it a whole week, but the others are sadly right.

OnlyFannys · 24/06/2023 12:46

I actually think it is good to be accountable for your behaviour and you do owe him an apology. If you send it I would remove the "just" had to apologise, the word just feels quite minimising to me as though it's an afterthought

OrlandointheWilderness · 24/06/2023 12:45

Definitely keep it shorter,
Well done, you can change this.

YouveGotAFastCar · 24/06/2023 12:45

It's a very-you centric message; which makes the apology seem less sincere... and it's quite rambling. It reads as if you are hoping that he'll feel sorry for you, and use it to start a conversation. Is that the case?

If you need to send anything; and I'd strongly recommend advising what you're hoping to get from it first, I'd aim for succinct.

"Hi. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour last week. I have a problem with alcohol and am taking steps to deal with it, but the behaviour was unacceptable and no reflection on you. I'm really sorry."

But again - You don't need to tell someone that you were just seeing that you have an alcohol problem. You can apologise without that information, if you feel you should. You can choose not to apologise, which may be healthier for you both.

Persiana · 24/06/2023 12:44

I would keep it brief,

I have no expectation or need for a reply, but I wanted to apologise wholeheartedly for my behaviour. It was unacceptable, entirely my issue, I need to work very hard on my relationship with alcohol.
I won't contact you again, all the best.

Original poster
jillmoan · 24/06/2023 12:44

@Aquamarine1029 I have admitted that.

OP posts:
WateryDoom · 24/06/2023 12:44

It's too much. If you have to text simply send 'I'm very sorry for my vile behaviour which was unforgiveable. I wanted to apologise'.

Then delete his number. No excuses, nothing about why.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2023 12:44

jillmoan · 24/06/2023 12:43

He called me an 'abusive drunk'.

So shouldn't send the text - I won't then - I thought it was the right thing to do rather than radio silence and not acknowledging my behaviour.

You are an abusive drunk.

You don't have a chance in hell of recovery unless you fully admit that to yourself.

Original poster
jillmoan · 24/06/2023 12:43

He called me an 'abusive drunk'.

So shouldn't send the text - I won't then - I thought it was the right thing to do rather than radio silence and not acknowledging my behaviour.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 24/06/2023 12:42

I wouldn't.
It comes across as very manipulative tbh.