Big birthday, partner doesn’t care.

Hope you had a lovely birthday. Update?

My last big birthday my H made the effort gift wise but in the run up to the day, he said he’d ask for the day off (I had leave booked), then he said he’d try to finish early, then in the end he just about finished on time. We did go out for a meal but I was fortunate that my sister was about and she helped to make my day special. It was an indicator of how things were in our marriage. He was no longer my husband by my next birthday.
I’d suggest you think long and hard about your marriage and if this is really what you want for the rest of your life. My life is so, so much better without misery guts dragging me down!

Exactly happy to go to San Francisco and do the treasure hunt.

Did he step up for your birthday @Gotmyfanon ?

I am so glad you had a lovely evening and realised you don't need him there.

Fingers crossed for your birthday!

^^ this is such a perceptive post. Unbridezilla has nailed it!

Well that's fine for you Rotormotor but there are many of us on here who love celebrating child and adult birthdays, including our own! I'm not an airhead either causing a "fuss"! Isn't it rather disparaging to say that about others who simply don't happen to share your view of the world?

After losing two close friends in the past couple of years, I genuinely want to celebrate every year I am alive, and the older I get, the more I want to celebrate! Not in a "look at me" selfish way, but in a "I am so grateful for my family and friends who are increasingly important to me every year" way. Is it not possible to accept that different people have different views about this?

Op, I was going to ask if your DH is suffering from depression and anxiety which is stopping him from joining your family at the restaurant? People do have panic attacks about eating in public, or not being able to "escape", something men sometimes find more difficult to admit than women. But if he fully participated in the holiday in SF that you kindly bought him, it doesn't sound like that is the case? Or has his mood changed dramatically since the pandemic?

Please don't let the "birthdays are for kids" mn crowd make you doubt yourself op. In a great relationship,the birthday celebration becomes the cherry on the cake and less important. In crap relationships,the birthday/significant event becomes the whole cake.

I imagine you are doubtful of how much he actually actively cares about you anymore, as his day to day actions suggest he is very selfish and self centered. Therefore, your birthday becomes an opportunity to reassure you about his feelings. He has monumentally failed and it's OK to feel shit about it. Indeed, if you can't share the highs with a partner, what's the point slogging through the lows?

He works only 10hrs a week? Does he work for himself in a failing business? You can do waaaaay better.

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish, miserable, lazy fuckface. He can't even be assed to show up to a meal that you've organised yourself, let alone plan anything special for you. You deserve more than this. Call him out on it more or show him the door.

This would be the end for me. Every birthday is important. It's the one day it's about you!

I don't understand what he brings to your life.

If nothing else a milestone birthday can give you pause to consider whether you are happy and where you want to be in your life. Are you happy OP?

He’s awful, OP. Truly. An awful, selfish, self-obsessed, lazy shithead.

It isn't about the birthdays but the absolute lack of regard... You are worth having 1 day made special for you op.
Aren't you worth it?

Given your updates, I think you’ve wasted quite enough time on this man.

All relationships come to an end one way or another. Looks like it’s time for you to move on.

Enjoy the meal with your family, without him

If he hasn't planned anything for your birthday
Plan to do something yourself

Make this the last birthday that you share

Life is too short to be miserable

He works 10 hours per week and you do all the housework?

That's no way to live.

Oh love, that's no way to live. He can't even have the excuse that he's too tired or busy with work! If he's only working 10 hours then he should be doing majority of the housework surely?
Do you honestly want to stay with him? Do you have children?

Was he able to get on the plane to frisco, eat out, do his treasure hunt and not complain about having to see people?

I think he's being an arse but more importantly, how does he treat you the rest of the time?
He doesn't need to stretch to an extravagant holiday but he could at least plan and cook a lovely intimate meal for just the two of you surely? Or give you a homemade book of vouchers for whatever it is you'd like or appreciate eg I'll do all the laundry for a week, or I'll cook your favourite meal for you etc etc etc. It would cost hardly anything!
Happy birthday for Tuesday and I hope you enjoy your family meal. At least they're making an effort for you!

Yanbu.
And this comes from someone that doesn't celebrate my birthday ( I had a rough childhood, birthdays where never a thing, I don't even think my parents remember when my birthday is). But I celebrate DP's.
I also have social anxiety but wouldn't dream of not going to a family meal for the occasion.
The issue is it's important to you, he should make an effort. Not drag his heels like a reluctant sulky teenager.

Did he enjoy the effort you made for his. I bet he did (sounded great btw).

He's being a bah humbug sulky git as the focus isn't on him. At least that's the way it sounds.