Scared about raising a boy

I said it earlier that maybe it’s just me but I found that book had a heavy tendency towards stereotypes.

It's probably a bit old now but I really liked the book Raising Boys.

@MissyB1 "jeez people love to over complicate this. Just raise your kids the best you can, you can’t prevent every single problem that they might encounter,"

Of course not. Why do you think men commit over 90% of all violent crime and make up 77% of the people who die through suicide?

@PlatBilledDuckypuss "there are hundreds of threads about horrible, abusive, lazy etc men hurting and ruining the lives of women."

It's important to remember too that quite often posts about men like that have posts from women offering ways for the women concerned to "train" the men. Or saying that "that's what men are like. Or suggesting it's somehow the women's fault. We need to raise men who don't need or want that sort of collusion.

jeez people love to over complicate this. Just raise your kids the best you can, you can’t prevent every single problem that they might encounter, but you can teach them how to be as resilient as possible and give them as much security and self esteem as possible. Boys or girls!

I'm with you OP. My son is a white male and it's hugely important to me that he can see the doors that will open for him that stay closed to other people.

A few examples of things we've talked about (barely scratching the surface here)...

Movies:

• The Bechdel Test
• The Gaze
• The trope of the Magical Negro

Money & Marketing

• The pay differences between white men and pretty much everyone else.
• How differently investors speak to men vs women (women are overwhelmingly asked about how they will mitigate risk while men are overwhelmingly encouraged to talk about forecasted growth)
• The Pink Tax in shops, the very different marketing of gendered toys, and the different content of magazines marketed to girls vs boys.

Sex and Relationships:
This one is too big to summarise, we've covered so much ground. One memorable conversation was after he overheard me casually say to my husband that any man who says nothing against a rape joke is partially responsible for rape.

I know all this sounds really heavy. It has to be, it's really heavy growing up as a woman and ESPECIALLY heavy growing up as a black woman, for example. The least my lovely son can do is walk around with open eyes. If that's the worst that ever happens to him he'll still have a better life than most people.

there are hundreds of threads about horrible, abusive, lazy etc men hurting and ruining the lives of women.

They're the ones that get posted about. Decent husbands and fathers not so much. In the same way as newspapers never publish good news.

I'm pregnant with a boy, and my predominant annoyance is that there are SO MANY gendered expectations being placed on him already by my in laws.

He's lazy like a boy when he doesn't move.
He's going to be a footballer when he does kick.
I mustn't let him be clingy.
Isn't it nice for my husband to have a son? (what, for my super-unmasculine husband to have to model your weirdo ideas of maleness?)

Poor little sod isn't even a foot long and people have decided who he is because of his genitals.

The best thing you can do for your son is to resist labels other people attach to him and learn and help him become the best version of himself.

@SunnySun1 "This is a rare, refreshing thread. Quite a lot of threads recently have been rather toxic."

I must miss these toxic threads. People are always talking about them, but they never seem to be able to link to them. Kind of like Yetis....

Read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph. I only have sisters and it helped me understand what boys need growing up to be balanced, well rounded individuals. Mine are 18 and 22 now and I like to think they’re very decent human beings!

This is a rare, refreshing thread. Quite a lot of threads recently have been rather toxic. As long as children have good role models (men and women) and both sexes learn to respect one another then the world will be a better place.

I'd agree. While the sentiment behind it is a good one, it makes me feel really uncomfortable the way you've written it, for some reason. I think it sounds like an unhealthy way of thinking of an unborn baby.

I have 2 boys and a girl. My boys are wonderful young men. Kind thoughtful funny and a total pleasure. My DD is lovely too but boy is she hard work and more complicated. I think boys are the best

@SunnySun1 "Women on Mumsnet seem to meet one bad man and be come man haters and assume all men are"
I'm pretty sure there are no man haters on this thread. That's why we're trying to discuss ways forward to make things better for everyone.

"Don't confuse toxic masculinity with masculinity. I was surprised that a friend with a Dd told me that she told her Dd to stay away from 'typical' boys as they were likely to be toxic.
It's a really awful message."

Absolutely. That's why we need to address societal pressures on boys and girls differently. Many people-including very many boys are equating toxic masculinity with masculinity, which is damaging for everyone. This is something that has to be addressed with boys as a matter of urgency.

I have two brothers and almost all of my family members are male. There aren't any woman hating men in my family. In this world there are nasty men and nasty women. Just raise your children as equals and encourage them to respect one another. Women on Mumsnet seem to meet one bad man and become man haters and assume all men are evil rapists and domestic abusers. I assume that you're doing a great job with your daughters and it shouldn't be much different with your son 😊

this.

Don't confuse toxic masculinity with masculinity. I was surprised that a friend with a Dd told me that she told her Dd to stay away from 'typical' boys as they were likely to be toxic.
It's a really awful message.

@MissyB1 "Not really, we just guide our kids to meet societal pressures full stop."

Right. So you're not concerned that those pressures lead to men committing over 90% of violent crime and lead to 77% of all people dying through suicide being men?

You're also on a forum primarily where women post, our experiences don't speak for the majority.

Also look at the statistics for male suicide and stop viewing your child as an abuser before he's even born......every child needs a rounded upbringing, they need to be taught to be independent in a safe way and to be considerate of others. They need encouragement succeed and to accept that sometimes they can't and being OK is good enough. They need to consider the feelings of others and have parents who talk about emotions and how to process them. They need to learn to be responsible for their own actions and any impact that can have, and we also should show that we're responsible for our own actions and emotions.

That's all there is to it.

Well I think you're right to be thinking about this given how the majority of violent crimes against woman are committed by men who were known to them.

Male violence is a huge issue across the world and there isn't enough being done about it in terms of raising boys not to abuse their physical power and hurt girls and women in an attempt to feel better/gain control/regulate themselves. But there won't be until it's a problem that impacts men more than women.

Not really, we just guide our kids to meet societal pressures full stop.

I had a girl after 3 boys and what I found was that it wasn't that different and actually my girl was similar in personality to my 2nd son and the other boys were the same.

I really don't understand the "raise your boys the same as you raise your girls." I don't see how that would work. Boys and girls face very different societal pressures and expectations. They have to be guided to meet them in different ways.