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AIBU?

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Original poster

He violated my privacy

65 replies

blondequdi · 20/06/2023 20:15

Ex partner has been staying with me to see if we can work things out.

I was showing him baby photos (he isn't DS's dad) and came across a folder called xxx. He asked me what it was and I told him truthfully - naughty videos of me.

I rarely use my laptop, maybe once a year to back up photos.

Anyway the next day I go to work and he messages me going crazy that I have old sex
Clips of me and my husband (who died) and implies other people. Says I shouldn't have kept them. Sees a screenshot of messages from my ex (I haven't replied to any) and says I should have told him.

I get home and he admits he has been through the whole laptop. He's read the letters DS and I wrote to his dad when he died. He read the text messages. Went through the photos of his funeral and body. (Husband was in an RTA). He went through EVERYTHING

I feel absolutely violated. He KNEW the videos would be from before I ever met him, he just wanted proof I still had them. He admits he had no reason to look at anything but did it cos he wanted to, wanted to prove I had sex stuff and looked at everything else just cos he wanted to.

I feel disgusted. DS was 5 when his dad died and I feel like my ex now knows more about his dad than DS does! He's seen and read things DS has never known about.

He's adamant I should have deleted the sex
Clips... they're from 2007. I had no idea they were there.

I told him he had no right to go through my laptop. We aren't together!

AIBU?

OP posts:
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AlwaysGinPlease · 25/06/2023 16:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:30

He's an arsehole.

But, what were you thinking giving him access to all that private information? That's Security 101 not to. If it's private, it's password protected!

Absolutely this. Why would you?!

Original poster
blondequdi · 25/06/2023 16:23

audipink · 25/06/2023 16:22

I'm so worried he might have something on his phone that he took from my laptop. How would I ever know? Before he left he let me go through his phone and I checked photos (and trash), sent emails, Facebook messages, what else is there... he is the nasty type when he's wounded (like because I left him) so I'm worried he will make some of the stuff he found public.

Name change fail.

OP posts:
audipink · 25/06/2023 16:22

I'm so worried he might have something on his phone that he took from my laptop. How would I ever know? Before he left he let me go through his phone and I checked photos (and trash), sent emails, Facebook messages, what else is there... he is the nasty type when he's wounded (like because I left him) so I'm worried he will make some of the stuff he found public.

tiopascal · 25/06/2023 12:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

towriteyoumustlive · 22/06/2023 17:01

blondequdi · 21/06/2023 09:06

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

it's YOUR FAULT?!?!?!

The fact he even tried to justify his actions rings alarm warning bells! Sounds like you have had a lucky escape from this person!

neilyoungismyhero · 21/06/2023 16:31

EcoChica1980 · 21/06/2023 13:58

Everyone is entitled to privacy and yours was violated.

However, I think most of us would have a problem with our partner hanging on to videos of them having sex with their ex.

What even if it was with your dead husband?

BlockbusterVideoCard · 21/06/2023 16:21

What on earth does he think gives him the right to do that

Because he's an entitled man with no scruples, and possibly immature, controlling, or plain disturbed. Give him no more thought. At least you found out now before you gave it another go. Others here can point you in the right direction if you think there is a chance he's taken the footage.

You have every right to keep whatever videos, photos or other electronic or physical items which relate to your relationship with your dead husband. Do password protect it though if it's x-rated or otherwise very private like the RTA photos.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 21/06/2023 15:55

He was an ex for a reason. You forgot that reason and let him back in. Now you've had another lesson. Get rid of him, be firm and get your peace back. You deserve better, don't you? If you allow him to stay, you can't say we didn't try to warn you.

Naunet · 21/06/2023 14:19

EcoChica1980 · 21/06/2023 13:58

Everyone is entitled to privacy and yours was violated.

However, I think most of us would have a problem with our partner hanging on to videos of them having sex with their ex.

He isn’t even her partner.

EcoChica1980 · 21/06/2023 13:58

Everyone is entitled to privacy and yours was violated.

However, I think most of us would have a problem with our partner hanging on to videos of them having sex with their ex.

Naunet · 21/06/2023 13:32

blondequdi · 21/06/2023 09:06

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

Good, I’m glad he’s left as I was going to say you should kick him out. He’s shown you exactly why he should remain an ex, he’s a pathetically insecure, weak, inferior and controlling man. You can do better.

And for anyone who thinks he’s right about her keeping videos - why? Men constantly wank over videos of other women having sex online and we largely accept that, but a woman can’t keep a video OF HERSELF? Get to fuck.

xsquared · 21/06/2023 13:27

I'm glad he's an Ex partner.

Who the fuck does he think he is going through your things like that, and then having the audacity to say you shouldn't have kept them.

Have absolutely nothing to do with him, and cut all contact. What this person did is abusive amd controlling. He has potential to be very damaging to your life. Keep well away.

Motherofalittledragon · 21/06/2023 13:20

Keep him as an ex, vile man, vile behaviour

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/06/2023 09:59

You know yanbu .

Now he has shown you who he is - you have your answer .

Hope you are ok it is a huge invasion of privacy and any justification he tries is just bullshit

Sugargliderwombat · 21/06/2023 09:51

What an absolute piece of shit. Looking at photos of your husbands body? I am so disgusted for you. Thank god he is an ex.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2023 09:47

YANBU, obviously.

But at the same time and to a lesser extent, if I was sat with my partner/prospective partner looking through baby photos of their child from an ex relationship, and there was a load of clips of them having sex with an ex, I'd be pretty gutted. Looking through the pictures in the first place would be something I wouldn't particularly enjoy but would feel obliged to fake enthusiasm for, and the x rated footage would really just rub salt in the wound. Maybe something to think about in future relationships as you consider how much of your past to keep in the present.

Raquelos · 21/06/2023 09:38

blondequdi · 21/06/2023 09:06

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

Classic response from him! (this is called the narcissist's prayer)

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

What a total cunt. Please, please kick him out and never have him back anywhere near you or yours.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 21/06/2023 09:36

Well done for getting rid. Now block the vile arsehole and never look back.

NutellaNut · 21/06/2023 09:32

It’s absolutely none of his business what you did before you even met him and it is truly an outrageous breach of your privacy. It would be a deal breaker for me. Shocking behaviour.

Fraaahnces · 21/06/2023 09:18

What a prick! No wonder you feel violated! I would block him.

Rafferty10 · 21/06/2023 09:15

What a despicable man.

I would never speak to him again, he would be gone. Oh and l would let his friends and family know that he, without you permission, accessed your departed husbands private photos and letters from your tiny child to his daddy.
I would make sure he could not show his face again without people condeming his awful behaviour.

And regarding the sex pics, no big dea,l between you and your Husband. Do NOT let him bully you regarding those. No reasonable person would have any issue with you having those.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/06/2023 09:14

Those who are saying he shouldn’t have been given access… would you look through someone’s laptop, just because you could?

No, because it’s wrong!!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/06/2023 09:12

blondequdi · 21/06/2023 09:06

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

He was absolutely in the wrong for what he did but what do you mean you did not know they were there?

You told him they were there Confused

He asked me what it was and I told him truthfully - naughty videos of me

Original poster
blondequdi · 21/06/2023 09:06

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

OP posts:
YESSTEVE · 21/06/2023 06:07

phoenixrosehere · 20/06/2023 22:36

Would you honestly not be tempted? It seems 90% of women on MN would look through a man's phone if he so much as changed aftershave!

God, no. It’s someone’s private stuff. I’m not tempted to look through someone’s personal phone, laptop, or home unless I have to (emergency, given permission, etc..) because it’s their possessions and they have a right to privacy nor would I want someone doing the same to me.

Show quote history

Exactly. I know the password to my husbands phone. Do I look? No, because it’s not my business. Anyone saying they would look or blaming the OP needs to have a word with themselves and learn what privacy and restraint is. This is NOT in any way the OPs fault.

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