Wrong reason to keep baby

Starjay7 · 2023-06-19T20:33:36+00:00

Quick back story. I have 2 boys one 17, one 6. Eldest has adhd and no time or tolerance for his younger brother who craves relationship. just found out I am pg unplanned at 43 and I don’t think it’s right to continue for many reasons to include my age and poor unstable Mh. My driving factor for sitting on the fence is the fact my son will have a sibling that may want to spend time with them form a bond. Am I wrong to keep baby just to please my son mainly ? I would love it dearly but not sure I could cope

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 20/06/2023 21:01

OP you are making the right choice, you will probably feel sad after at what might have been - and thats ok too - be kind to yourself

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 15:06

@IVFbeenverylucky @Lexie365 I am sure of my decision which is why people have kindly highlighted this to you above!
my head must rule as my mental health is not stable as prev mentioned and I need to be fully present for the children I have.
Not sure what my 17 year old has to be mentioned for really ?….I am sure he will be home for many years and that’s not even in my thoughts.
I have managed to arrange a counselling session for this eve with abortion specialist.
I am sure if my decision just need support.
I don’t want the stress of going back the unpredictable newborn days and 24/7 responsibilities that come with another child.
please no more comments on me considering keeping baby as they are NOT helpful.

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TeaKitten · 20/06/2023 15:02

IVFbeenverylucky · 20/06/2023 14:22

It seems to me that reading this that deep down you do want this child.
43 is not that old, unless you have a particular medical history that would provide you with risks.
And how long will your elder son be with you? ADHD can vary, but is he in college/working/capable of leaving home in the next few years?
You need to decide what is right for you, but it does feel like you head says no but your heart says yes. I think when you are already pregnant that heart should almost always rule head.

She said she is sure of her decision to terminate and is beginning the procedure today so that’s really not very helpful, she may have already taken the tablet. Also 43 is absolutely ‘that old’ to put your body through pregnancy, especially with mental health struggles.

Lexie365 · 20/06/2023 15:01

@IVFbeenverylucky yes this is what I meant, you just put it a lot better than I could x

IVFbeenverylucky · 20/06/2023 14:22

It seems to me that reading this that deep down you do want this child.
43 is not that old, unless you have a particular medical history that would provide you with risks.
And how long will your elder son be with you? ADHD can vary, but is he in college/working/capable of leaving home in the next few years?
You need to decide what is right for you, but it does feel like you head says no but your heart says yes. I think when you are already pregnant that heart should almost always rule head.

PixieLaLa · 20/06/2023 14:17

I agree it’s not a sensible reason to keep a baby but interestingly isn’t this what people choose to do all the time, having another baby to keep the sibling company and play together etc yet some people are being really rude towards OP here for even considering it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 14:02

Lexie365 · 20/06/2023 13:59

Honestly sounds like you will really regret terminating. Which will obviously be really bad for your mental health too. I think you shouldn't rush into anything and make a decision you can't take back x

Did you miss the op saying this

I am sure of my decision it’s just painful

Lexie365 · 20/06/2023 13:59

Honestly sounds like you will really regret terminating. Which will obviously be really bad for your mental health too. I think you shouldn't rush into anything and make a decision you can't take back x

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 13:57

@daysleepers they def are! I am sure some people just make accounts to troll people. Thank you x

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daysleepers · 20/06/2023 13:56

Gosh some people are really horrid on these sites.

Really sorry to hear you have difficulties deciding. You just need to do what is right for you and no one can really make that decision. However I do find a lot of these type posts lots of people say to terminate! I'm not sure you can always trust some views! You can't go by what every one else thinks but only what you want and what is right for you, as you will be the one bringing up the baby.

Hope the decision is right for you and that you have support either way x

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 13:41

@TeaKitten thank you so much I was going to wait for a surgical but do have the tablets here and will take my first one today 😢😢😢😢I am sure of my decision it’s just painful. I will need a lot of support after this. Counselling x

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TeaKitten · 20/06/2023 13:25

It sounds like you are making the right choice OP. Your son needs his mum present and available far more than he needs a sibling 7 years younger than him, and it’s clear having a baby would negatively impact on your mental health. Stop worrying about him not having a close sibling relationship now, he can have a close parent relationship instead and you are enough.

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 13:18

@SadScuatch pm you x

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SadScuatch · 20/06/2023 13:13

@Starjay7 I am currently going through a similar scenario. I am 5 weeks pregnant and was completely unexpected. I made the decision to terminate and my pills came in the post this morning which I still haven't taken (it's so sad, I'm having trouble finding the willpower even though I know it's the right decision). It's terribly hard but I can't think of any pros except a sibling for my DS, the rest are cons and it would be the wrong choice for myself and my family. Feel free to PM if you want to chat. X

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 13:06

Thank you so lovely people here 🥰

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purpleboy · 20/06/2023 12:58

I can tell this is a really hard decision for you, I'm sorry your faced with it. I do think your doing the right thing though, you've said yourself you would struggle, a new baby will take a lot of the attention away from your son, plus who know maybe they won't get on and then you'll be in an even worse situation.
Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 11:26

i have booked a surgical termination assessment for this Friday am.
if I was younger, had better support and gap been smaller would def not be considering term.

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CalistoNoSolo · 20/06/2023 11:23

You're already struggling with the children you have, and by your own admission struggling with your own mental health. Having a baby on the off chance that it will be some kind of consolation prize for your youngest is a really bad idea. And what happens if your baby has adhd too? I would terminate without hesitation in your situation.

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 10:58

The problem lies with my mental health.
Taking my son from the equation. I suffer with depression and anxiety. Can I go back to newborn where I have no time, structure routine etc ,? This scared me. The thought of my mum leaving to go home would cause me sheer panic. I don’t want to go back to those days. I need to feel in control of my life and a baby will just send me spiralling as it’s new and unpredictable.
it’s just this image of a sweet face that is killing me. It’s like it’s asking me note to do to do. It doesn’t help. I know this sounds crazy. I don’t suffer with hallucinations in real life any other time. Feels spiritual not that I’m even religious.

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TequilaQueen · 20/06/2023 10:16

OP, if you want to keep the baby, do that. You don't need to find an external reason like pleasing your son- after all, there's no guarantee they would get on. Your body, your decision.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 20/06/2023 10:13

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:55

And, might make her feel silly about posting, when it’s already clearly a difficult time. Just scroll on!

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” That witticism—I'll call it “Einstein Insanity”—is usually attributed to Albert Einstein.

Insanity is a bit harsh, but if the question is the same, the same answers will be given

@Starjay7 do YOU want another baby - take everything out of the equation, what do YOU want

Not for your existing son, but for you

If you want to have another child, then have one
If you don't want to have another child, then don't

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 10:12

Yes this is also what I believe. The hard part which scares me is I have started getting images of what this baby would look like and it’s torturing my mind so bad. Last night I could see it so clearly and feel like I’m going insane. I know it’s not real just my thoughts but it’s making this even harder.

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Horizabel · 20/06/2023 10:07

I'd terminate without thinking twice. Only have a baby if you want to raise another child to adulthood. Having a child to 'give' an existing child a sibling is a potential disaster all round. Be kind to yourself while you decide.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/06/2023 10:01

I think a termination is sensible.

Original poster

Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 09:55

Yes I have decided to take some time to think it over. It’s a huge decision x

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