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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance selfishness?

43 replies

GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 16:38

Been with DP for 12 years, 2 DC, 8&6;live in mortgaged property 75/25 tenants in common in my favour. Approx 5 years ago I inherited £50k which I spent on a car for myself (£10k) and the rest on property renovation. So another £40k invested in our home with no adjustment to the tenants in common agreement. DP is about to inherit £50k and has told me that he will pay off his van loan and intends to keep the rest. We have planning permission for a small extension (approx £60k) and he is insisting that we re-mortgage when (if) the rates come down a bit. He’s made comments about the ratio being unfair in the event of a split.

AIBU
yes- it’s his money and he can do what he wants with it
no-he’s a selfish git who should use all the disposable money on our home , then borrow a smaller amount on a joint remortgage

OP posts:
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ProfessorXtra · 19/06/2023 21:27

So then it’s specific amounts of the original deposit that are ring fenced?

it’s feels you are being a bit cagey or changing details.

and he would be stupid to trust ‘oh I know I can take 75% if we split up. But I promise I won’t and I will give you 50%’

Original poster
GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 19:27

Oh yes, only a ring fence of the original deposit (and probably not even that) ; anything other would be taking thy piss I agree

OP posts:
YeahIsaidit · 19/06/2023 19:19

It's only disposable if HE WANTS IT to be, it isn't yours and you don't have any say in how it should or shouldn't be spent.

Original poster
GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 19:16

Sorry for drip feed, this is my first post. I chose to spend all my money on the house renovation because I wanted a nice home for us and the children: he did save us a large amount of money on labour and if we did split I would actually probably just do 50/50 fair share as I’d want my children to have 2 nice homes. Happily though we are very much together and I just wanted peoples opinions which I am taking on board. I did put down a fairly large sum as my share of the deposit from my house sale. He had less to contribute as he spent a large amount on a trip to Australia when we first met. I can’t seem to make him see that it doesn’t make sense to borrow when there is disposal money sat there

OP posts:
GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 19:07

Hbh17 · 19/06/2023 18:52

When my husband inherited what (I think) was a fairly substantial amount a few years ago, I didn't ask him exactly how much and I have never asked what he did with it. Why not? Because it is his money left to him! I expect that I have or will benefit indirectly, as his wife, but if he had chosen to put it all on a nag in the 4.30 at Kempton Park, that would have been his choice.

This 👏🏻

Hbh17 · 19/06/2023 18:52

When my husband inherited what (I think) was a fairly substantial amount a few years ago, I didn't ask him exactly how much and I have never asked what he did with it. Why not? Because it is his money left to him! I expect that I have or will benefit indirectly, as his wife, but if he had chosen to put it all on a nag in the 4.30 at Kempton Park, that would have been his choice.

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 18:48

@Youknowaboutthepaint
That's my point - the whole thing sounds like it started on shaky ground.

Quibbling over money and who's paying what, who's doing what and who owns what.

Not my idea of a happy relationship at all.

YeahIsaidit · 19/06/2023 18:48

"DP saved us a fortune in labour costs by doing all the work on our house renovations himself, but I bought all the stuff so really he should put the money left to him into the house so I benefit too" yeah the fact he did all the labour changes things a hell of a lot. Bit of a drip feed their eh? Did he tell you what to use your inheritance for or did you do it off your own bat? Maintain my original stance though, his money to do what he likes with

Youknowaboutthepaint · 19/06/2023 18:46

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 18:45

They've been together for 12 years and have kids - I'm not sure why there is any conversation about who's money is who's. Surely you just share a that point?

Show quote history

But they don't own the house equally, so OP obviously cares whose money is whose.

Youknowaboutthepaint · 19/06/2023 18:46

GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 18:00

We contribute 50/50. He’s always been a bit sniffy about the ratio split as he believes that his contribution of his labour into the renovation of the house (using my funds for goods only) should cancel out any imbalance and make it 50/50

Did he do all the work? What would it have cost to pay someone else? I tend to agree with him there, it's certainly something of a drip feed.

I'm not sure I'd be wanting to spend my inheritance on a house I only owned 25% of .

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 18:45

Bharath · 19/06/2023 18:43

You aren’t married so I’m not sure why you’re expecting him to share his money with you?

They've been together for 12 years and have kids - I'm not sure why there is any conversation about who's money is who's. Surely you just share a that point?

Bharath · 19/06/2023 18:43

You aren’t married so I’m not sure why you’re expecting him to share his money with you?

AffIt · 19/06/2023 18:42

he believes that his contribution of his labour into the renovation of the house (using my funds for goods only)

See, this does alter things a bit, because on reading your OP, I assumed you had in entirety arranged and paid for tradespeople to do the work: however, if your partner actually carried out the labour and you paid for materials, that's a bit of a switch.

MCMLXXX · 19/06/2023 18:41

I think if you've been together for 12 years, brought children in to this world and are still quibbling over money then it's probably time to call it a day to be honest.

I think so too. You don’t agree on things and don’t sound very together. If he has done the labour on the house, it counts. If he is not pulling his weight with the children, that’s shit, his money, your money, it just sounds miserable.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/06/2023 18:39

I think you’re taking the piss! Is this a reverse?

So you want him to pay half but only get 25%? How much deposit did you put down? Fair enough to ringfence your original deposit but if he’s paying 50% of the rest he should get 50% of the rest, he’d probably be happy to put his 40k in then.

If you were a man posting you’d get your arse handed to you. I think you’re massively financially taking advantage of him here.

ProfessorXtra · 19/06/2023 18:32

GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 18:00

We contribute 50/50. He’s always been a bit sniffy about the ratio split as he believes that his contribution of his labour into the renovation of the house (using my funds for goods only) should cancel out any imbalance and make it 50/50

So he only gets 25% of the house if you split but pays 50% of the mortgage?

What was the ratio you out in originally?

if you put and additional 40k in and he puts 40k in and you both pay the same for the mortgage each month, it does seem a little unfair for the split to be in your favour.

Even if you put more in originally. After, say, 20 years of both paying 50:50 and both putting in an additional 40k would you still be happy with the split giving you only 25%?

my mind may change if you put a huge amount and he put nothing in at the beginning though.

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 18:30

I think if you've been together for 12 years, brought children in to this world and are still quibbling over money then it's probably time to call it a day to be honest.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 19/06/2023 18:26

AuntieJoyce · 19/06/2023 17:59

This is why people have ring fencing agreements as per PP above. OP didn’t say that she had a ring fencing agreement.

Based on what she said, she would come out with 75% of the house proceeds.

you also need to allow for appreciation

Show quote history

Yes. (I'm not sure why you're explaining this to me)

You can either ring-fence your deposit as a PP has said or you can hold the property in unequal shares as I have chosen. There are pros and cons for each.

Cornishclio · 19/06/2023 18:12

I am a bit on the fence here. You chose to use your inheritance to do property renovations and I would remind him of that. If he chooses not to do the same you can't really force him but I wouldn't be inclined to remortgage if he is sitting on £40k cash. It doesn't make financial sense.

AuntieJoyce · 19/06/2023 18:05

The other missing jigsaw piece OP is how much did you both put in to start with, and how much was the house purchase price

Original poster
GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 18:02

clearly I don’t feel the same ; I work hard in other ways ie: doing the lions share of raising our children

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeAMin · 19/06/2023 18:00

We contribute 50/50. He’s always been a bit sniffy about the ratio split as he believes that his contribution of his labour into the renovation of the house (using my funds for goods only) should cancel out any imbalance and make it 50/50

OP posts:
AuntieJoyce · 19/06/2023 17:59

DontMakeMeShushYou · 19/06/2023 17:08

Whether that would be reasonable depends on how much he contributed in the first place.

We are also tenants in common in unequal shares. I paid for 50% of our house up front (by selling my previous house). DP paid nothing. We each pay 50% of the outstanding mortgage. Therefore once the mortgage is paid off, I will have paid 75% of the house and DP 25%. If he only paid 25% of the mortgage, he would only have paid for 12.5% of the house.

Show quote history

This is why people have ring fencing agreements as per PP above. OP didn’t say that she had a ring fencing agreement.

Based on what she said, she would come out with 75% of the house proceeds.

you also need to allow for appreciation

DontMakeMeShushYou · 19/06/2023 17:11

elfin79 · 19/06/2023 17:06

This isn't right. DP and I also own our house as tenants in common but we agreed that since we were paying the mortgage and bills etc 50/50 that we would just ring fence our deposits (he put in £45K more than I did so would get the first £45K in the event of a sale). We updated our deed of trust and made wills after forming a civil partnership as we wanted to ensure that DSD would have access to her inheritance once we'd both popped our clogs.

You can actually be tenants in common based on amounts rather than percentages or shares of the house, might be worth revisiting that and getting a deed of trust in place if you don't already have one.

(We actually call ours a deed of mistrust as that's essentially what it is).

Show quote history

That's why I said 'might'.

It depends how the agreement is drawn up. I could have ringfenced my deposit 20 years ago, but we chose to split things by percentage. I would have lost out in the short-term but, if we were to split up now, would gain in the long-term.

Lefteyetwitch · 19/06/2023 17:08

Did he force you to do this?
Was it discussed prior to the renovation?