What the hell am I doing??

So sorry your friends and family are shit. They've all really let you down. Sometimes in life, the trash takes itself out. I know the timing is horrible. Even though it's so scary and lonely right now, it's obvious you are doing exactly the right thing. When the dust settles, you will probably only wonder why you waited so long to leave. Just take one day at a time with your new life and only let people into it who have your best interests at heart. It might be a good idea to keep a thread running for support.

I think you just need to find some friends with a bit of life experience. Honestly, they sound incredibly dull anyway! In my world, every conversation is a mutual counselling session.

It’s very natural to be anxious when you’re alone. Humans aren’t meant to live alone….we’re meant to live in tribes and we’d never have had to deal with things alone. You need to build a support system. Sorry can’t write more as have to go out. Good luck.

Op, you will not look back with regret - I promise!

I think you should write down all the reasons you are doing this. The crap you've had to put up with, the lack of support from the people closest for you, the hopes you have for a better life.

Then when you are worrying about the what ifs, look at the reality of what was. You KNOW you don't want that any more.

Yes, it might take time to settle in. It might take time to make friends. It might take time to get used to your new life.

But it won't take twenty years. It's unlikely to take five. And if it's not working for you - you know what? You have got yourself out of a worse situation. You can get yourself out of that one. But I bet you that it will work for you. You are going to start making the life that you want.

This. Op I was you 26 years ago. It has been the best thing that ever happened to me but it certainly didn't feel like it at the start.
When you feel wobbly remember....
Your house is yours. It doesn't matter how small it is , its yours. When you shut the door after a day at work you are safe .
Decisions are scary . ..but also fantastic. You can choose the colour of every wall, every cushion, every duvet cover and curtains. You can do the garden or pay someone else to mow and then just sit in it. Or fill it with pots of loveliness if it's a tiny space. You don't have to discuss it with anyone else. You will never again have someone say no to an idea you have.
You can cook something lovely when you get home. Or eat some cheese and biscuits in front of the telly in your pj's.
You can look on the meetups site. Loads of groups for all sorts of things. You can make new friends if you want to.
Work will feel odd for the first 6 weeks or so. Then it will start to feel normal. You will have met everyone, know where everything is and how it all flows.
I will never forget the realisation that I didn't need to discuss ( or give up on) any idea I had. If I wanted something I loved and I could afford it I could just buy it.
It will be scary but it will be brilliant. If it got too much for me I used to have a cry and then shake it off and tackle the next thing. You can do it. And above everything it is sooooo much better than living with an arse. Xxxx

Poor OP!

I wondered whether you are from a traditional background (as I am). If it helps - we can see marriage differently. If it isn't working, there's nothing to be ashamed of in drawing it to an end. All relationships will end, and it is much braver to admit when it's reached its natural end.

If you can't afford your property, could you let out a room?

Take each step as it comes. Visualise what you want and you have every chance of finding it!

Well done on changing your life. Even if you don't love your job or new home it will still be so much better than the last 20 years. If you really don't like it, you can move again. The world is your oyster

You've had some great advice.

But all I want to say is I wish you well and it takes huge guys to do what you have done. Be proud. Most of us are left with what ifs but here you are doing it.

We never know which way the penny may drop but no one made a new story doing the same old thing.

Hopefully in your new life you will meet some better friends than these self absorbed people. Good luck!

You sound fabulous to me OP.

When I went through a similar situation, my very wise DS told me "Mum you are a warrior, not a worrier."

Obviously I am indeed a worrier, but this really helped me through some of the hard times as it made me laugh a little, imagining myself as some kind of warrior princess!

If any of the changes you are making turn out to be a bit shit, you can change them again. Job turns out to be a bit too stressful, you get another one. If you don't like single life ( I bloody love it) then you just get another one (bloke) New house not to great. Get another one. I appreciate this is a bit trite but again it just helps to make those steps less scary if you tell yourself "It's OK, I can just get another one."

I don't know what to say about your shit friends. Hopefully you will make far better ones when you move.

Try to frame it as you are going on an adventure. "We're going on a bear hunt, we're not scared."

Good luck OP.

I got a divorce at the age of 31. It was hands down the loneliest time of my life. Friends especially were incredibly unsupportive. They were actually more judgmental than my family. I put it down to them being too young to get it maybe. No one understood why I didn't stay to work on the marriage even though he was abusive. Apparently because I married him, I should just stay. Lol.

I'm sooo happy I had the strength to leave but it was HARD. It was also exciting and happy and my life took a turn for the better and it was the best decision ever made. I lost most of my friends but fuck them, they weren't good friends to begin with. They were mostly uni mates and I do feel sad I don't have my uni crew anymore but that's done now.

I still have flashbacks to my first day in my new apartment, surrounded by boxes and realising I had NO ONE to call and talk to. It was so lonely it was actually traumatic.

Being "alone" also means that no one can let you down x

What a brilliant thing you've done! How bloody exciting.

I too left an abusive relationship and I'd like to reassure you that having my own home and relying on no one, myself and my daughter have never been happier.

Best of best of luck!

If you are worrying lots at night you could try having a notebook in bed to write down your worries and tell yourself you’ll review them in the morning. That can sometimes help people to get them out of their head and sleep better. Best of luck with it all - remember also that it doesn’t need to be perfect, but it sounds very likely that your new circumstances will be better than what you are leaving behind.

I was with my ex husband for 20 years. Leaving was scary, but the best thing I ever did. Yes, at first I was a bit lost and skint, and friends disappeared, but 7 years on I have a good job, love my house and thoroughly enjoy only having to consider myself. I'll never live with a man again. Happy to date the right person if they come along but content with how things are right now.

You're allowed to be scared, you're leaving all you know behind to head towards the unknown. But, and it's a very big but, your life is now completely yours.

@Sunnyfeelgood is absolutely right.

What if this is perfect. What if this change is wonderful

Tbh, chances are it will be

And as what we believe can influence what happens - if you believe it will be perfect - then it will be

OP, has anyone mentioned the word catastrophising to you? It might be useful to start there, and read up a little. Here's just one of many articles

www.webmd.com/balance/features/catastrophizing-the-worst-thing-ever

With how you were, and are, treated by your parents and then your husband, its not that surprising you have become very anxious and regularly worry about the worst case scenario. It will take time and conscious effort to change your mindset, but it can be done, you've already come so far.

I think the 20 years (or more) of being tied to someone who made you feel worthless, plus your unsupportive family, have really crushed your confidence. But you still made plans over five years to make a new start. You are strong! I speak as someone who left an abusive marriage too. Walked out. My life now is incomparable (in a good way) to what I left behind. I even have a best friend! It sounds as if your friends and family maybe find upheaval - or even change - threatening. (Maybe they'd like to make changes themselves but don't have the courage. Sometimes people with 'perfect' lives can feel empty inside.) But anyway, keep going with the plan. Best wishes.

My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now.

This speaks volumes. In a normal caring family, you would be supported. Instead, yours are blaming you and smearing you in front of others. You, like me, were not brought up to feel that you matter as a human being. But you do.

It's no wonder you ended up in a bad marriage. I'm so glad for you that you're starting again and wish you all the best. Sorry to hear you can't afford counselling but I do hope you find the support hear helpful, and there are many free resources available online.

I can't add much to the wise words above about thinking about Plan B if the job/house turns out to be not right, but I just wanted to say well done for coming this far, and making your plans and bringing them to fruition. Think how you'll feel in your lovely new house, and meeting new people in your new job! Forget the 'friend' with the voice notes. Doubtless she meant well, but was ultimately selfish, as we can all be.
One excellent way of meeting people is to join some sort of volunteer group - helping others takes you out of yourself and hopefully there will be people you'll click with. Good luck - it's going to be fine! Once you're settled you'll look back and be glad that you made that new start.

Unfortunately when you've gone through the type of long term misery you have it can badly effect your confidence that that things will ever go well for you. Happiness, peace of mind and security are just something you're no longer used to, so it's completely natural to dread the next time it will all go wrong.
What you need to do here is look at your fears objectively. Consider the worst case scenario in all areas and have a back up plan.
If its difficult to make friends, what can you join?
If you hate the job, what other jobs are out there?
If you can't afford your house, what's plan B?
You have been very brave, quite inspirational, and have already shown you have incredible resources. If things go wrong, you can change them again. Theres other jobs and your home town will still be there.
Meanwhile take it all step by step. Focus on the present and what each day brings.
There's plenty of people on here you can chat things through with, so you're not alone.

Change is scary, and you’re having several major changes at once. By putting all these plans in place, it shows you’re a strong woman. You’re bound to feel unsettled.

Go girl!