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AIBU?

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Original poster

What the hell am I doing??

86 replies

iamnotpanicking · 17/06/2023 23:31

I made an awful mistake and married the wrong person. I stayed for nearly 20 years in an abusive situation and was so miserable for so many reasons that I got to a point where life just wasn't worth living anymore. I hated everything in my life, I hated me and who I became, I hated waking up each day. Eventually I decided everything had to change and I worked very very hard for nearly 5 years to create a plan to make that happen.
Everything is changing now and I'm trying to not panic!😱
I filed for a divorce, I put my house up for sale, I found a new job in another part of the country with a higher salary and more manageable hours and I am buying a house there in an area I don't know and I'm leaving everything I know and everyone I know behind soon.
What if all of this is a mistake?????
What if the job doesn't work out?????
What if I can't afford the new house?????
What if I don't meet any new friends?????
What if???? What if??? What if???
I can't sleep at night because I am so worried about everything. I don't feel free I feel terrified!!!!!! I'm crying randomly most days and I'm irritated and short tempered and stressed and anxious and all I can think about is how scared I am that things will not work out (I know they could work out to be just fine but my mind is still thinking the worst). I'm trying to tell myself it will all be ok and I can do this.
My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now. They've not contacted me, I contact them and ask how they are doing.
One group of friends I meet up with all I hear about are their holiday plans and their new house designs and their gardening projects. I'm truly glad things are going well for them, but my life is chaotic and uncertain at the moment. I'm taking things day by day I can't think about their holidays in August and where they will ski in January. We are in such different spaces right now, they are thinking of how to spend their money and I'm worried about not having enough to provide essentials like food and a roof over my head. When I speak they're saying things like 'poor you, you'll be fine' before moving on to what we're having for lunch. No one asks how I'm doing. People keep telling me to 'stay positive'. I don't feel positive I feel bloody terrified!
When I've spoken to another group of friends they have said things like 'you've created the problems you're having right now, you knew it would be tough' and 'there are other people in this world who have bigger problems than you do, remember that' and 'at least you have your health'.
Another friend asks 'how's your divorce thing going?' about every 2 or 3 months.
These are the friends who for years told me to leave and make changes if I was unhappy. Now I'm doing that and they are carrying on as if life is not changing (I guess it's not for them) and expecting me to carry on as if my entire life isn't changing. I've been upset by their comments. They said I was being dramatic and I was told to 'pray about it' and 'take some time for you'. I'm so sick of these throw away comments. I'm moving several hours away and I mentioned meeting up after I move, you could have heard a pin drop before the conversation moved on to another holiday they are planning. I know I will never see most of these people again now that I'm moving out of area. I'm now finding it hard to meet up with them and pretend everything is ok. I am now avoiding these people because I find meeting up with them too upsetting.
I have come to realise that I don't have good friends or maybe not even friends. I have acquaintances and people I sometimes text and meet up with for meals. I thought I was lonely due to my marriage but I'm realising that I was lonely due to not having strong connections with anyone, no one has my back. I'm on my own. I think this might be partially why I'm so stressed and panicked and emotional most days. Yes I can do this on my own, but I'm realising it would be nice to go through this period of my life (actually it would be nice to go through life) with someone who cares about me or at least have someone who can be somewhat supportive rather than me feeling like I shouldn't be sharing what I'm going through because I am the one that made choices to change my shite situation.
One friend has told me to leave voice notes for her when I need to talk. A few days I was so desperate to talk to someone and over about a month I sent her three messages in total when I felt at my lowest. She's not replied to any of them. She said she thought she was being a good friend, she said she told me to send her the messages because she thought it would be helpful for me to talk out loud, she told me she hasn't even listened to the messages. I felt upset by this and have told myself to not send her any further messages. AIBU to have thought she would listen to the messages and respond? Am I expecting too much of her time? I'm sure she's busy. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Should I not be talking to people about what is going on for me? I feel so overwhelmed and terrified most days that I don't know what to do then I go into a spiral of panic and overthinking. I'm now questioning if I should have made any of these changes let alone all of them. I know I should rely upon myself rather than on others, I know other people have their own problems, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
AIBU to want at least one supportive person at such a massive moment in my life?
Thanks for reading. Apologies this has turned into a bit of a rant.😳

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
eatdrinkandbemerry · 25/07/2023 15:27

Turn it around
What if it does
What if it does
What if it does
You deserve to be happy sweetie so go make some happiness x

ISeeMisledPeople · 25/07/2023 15:25

iamnotpanicking · 23/07/2023 09:17

Thank you @Firefinch These past few weeks have been difficult. There have been so many changes. I still can't quite believe what is happening. It doesn't seem real and feels very very overwhelming. I keeping having to remind myself to breathe.

Change can be difficult - even when it's absolutely the right thing to do. It's that time between the live you used to have, and settling into the life you are going to have. There's lots of uncertainty and unknowns - but difficult is better than stuck and unhappy. Especially when a lot of the difficult is temporary.

You have done the right thing, and it will get easier.

Tapacaminos · 25/07/2023 15:19

Can we take it that you have finally moved and started your new job?
If so, that´s brilliant!

When you say that it´s overwhelming and doesn´t feel real - that really resonates with me. It´s going to take time before those thoughts and feelings begin to subside. I hope you don't mind me posting a link to a short story that helped ground me and focus my mind and my breathing.

Empty Your Mind - a powerful zen story for your life.

Join Akira on a transformative journey as he learns the power of emptying the mind in this captivating Zen story. Overcome worry, embrace mindfulness, and fi...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNDO2G6YySA

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 23/07/2023 09:17

Thank you @Firefinch These past few weeks have been difficult. There have been so many changes. I still can't quite believe what is happening. It doesn't seem real and feels very very overwhelming. I keeping having to remind myself to breathe.

OP posts:
Firefinch · 02/07/2023 22:53

Just remember, this is just one part of your life...a phase, albeit a horrible one. In a couple of years you will look back and think how far you have come, and pat yourself on the back for getting through it. At the moment just keep on going, one day at a time. You will get there.

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 02/07/2023 22:43

I've worked extra shifts this weekend and feel exhausted but I also feel I'm doing all I can to help myself financially, there are literally no other shifts I can pick up. I'm treating myself to a hot bath tonight and hopefully bed before 11pm because I'm up early to go back to work in the morning. I feel like all I do is work recently but the routine is also helping to keep me busy and focused on something other than what's happening. I can't say it enough, I greatly appreciate your support and I am re-reading this thread again and again because it is packed full of great tips and advice. Thank you!!

@Georgeandzippyzoo Thank you! Your writing at night and then reflecting on what you wrote in the morning sounds like it was really helpful and that it made it easier to break down your worries and what you could do about them.
I appreciate your kind words and I hope you are now in a brighter place individually as well as in your relationship :)

You sound very brave @Cucumber1234 and inspiring! I'm so glad you and your daughter are now in a better place and have created a new life for yourselves. You're right this next phase will be whatever I make of it. It will be a chance to start again and hopefully create the life I have always dreamed about. Thank you!!

@BlippiIsAnnoying Thank you for the book recommendation. I will have a look for it. You're right! I have huge regrets about staying as long as I have. I feel like I've wasted my life. If I give up my chance to leave then I would be resigning myself to a life of abuse and misery. It's not a life and I would never forgive myself. Also I imagine he would be even worse if I went back. It really isn't an option when I think about it.

@Newestname002 Thank you! I really appreciate your words. I have often wondered why my 'friends' suddenly flipped from being encouraging when I was talking about the abuse and wanting to leave, to suddenly being disinterested when I started to put my plan into place to leave. It has been really hurtful and upsetting because I guess I thought they would be supportive through this difficult part and carry through into my new life. My mother has never changed so her hurtful behaviour isn't new unfortunately, I'm keeping distance from my parents for now until I'm in a better mental space to cope with them again.

@Tapacaminos Thank you so much! 'A family of support' that sounds so amazing and I am so so appreciative! ❤
I am so glad to hear you are now free from your ex and your sister was able to help you from afar. Just knowing that someone cares and has your back is such an empowering feeling when you otherwise feel alone. I hope you're now in a better space! :)

OP posts:
Tapacaminos · 30/06/2023 11:33

I just want to add my voice and offer you some support. You are amazing and you have come so far already. It took me ten years to finally find the strength to leave my abusive ex. Breaking free from his stranglehold was hell, but still so much better than if I had stayed. The only support I had was from my sister, but she lives in a different country to me so it was complicated. There is an end to everything you are going through. You will come out stronger and happier, free to spread your wings and fly. And keep posting - you´ve got a family of mumsnetters cheering you on. x

Newestname002 · 30/06/2023 07:39

@iamnotpanicking

You are making some big life changes, all at once, having been your own staunch supporter against the naysayers (including, sadly your own mother). That takes mental energy, focus, guts and you've been doing this for along time. I admire you for doing what you're doing. Some people are threatened by changes people make to better themselves and pull back or are discouraging. Don't let them get into your head - keep focused on your goals. You are doing so well. 🌹

BlippiIsAnnoying · 30/06/2023 03:20

I guess the flip side is if you gave in to your anxiety and stayed you would always regret it and be angry with yourself so you have to see this through.
There's a book I read years ago as an anxious youngster too scared to do anything.

Called Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. I found it really helpful.

Good luck.

Cucumber1234 · 30/06/2023 01:32

I left my ex husband with my daughter and the clothes we wore. And £7. Completely homeless.

8 years on, we have friends,we built a new life.

YOU have the power to make a change. YOU have the power to make this the best thing youve ever done.
YOU have a fantastic chance to be who you truly are and live life for YOU.

Of course you're doubting yourself if everyone is putting you down.

But they aren't you. Youre the one who has control. Youre the one who can create a lovely life for yourself. Youve realised those so call friends are crap so don't for one minute think about the things they say. Why would you want to stay around them!? They dont matter. YOU matter.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 30/06/2023 00:28

Riggle · 22/06/2023 15:34

If you are worrying lots at night you could try having a notebook in bed to write down your worries and tell yourself you’ll review them in the morning. That can sometimes help people to get them out of their head and sleep better. Best of luck with it all - remember also that it doesn’t need to be perfect, but it sounds very likely that your new circumstances will be better than what you are leaving behind.

I was going to suggest this. During a particularly dark time for me, and us as a couple I really struggled ti sleep due to the thoughts going round in my head, always at night. I wrote pages, I cried while writing some but when I finished I slept wonderfully. In the morning some felt daft to have been so upset about they wrre so minor, some were things I could act upon to hopefully change, some worried me so i tried to come up with possible ways/ alternatives incase the scenario happened and others were scary and upsetting and I allowed myself the 'right' to be upset by them.

OP I'd like to point out all of the empathic / positive comments you have made to pp. Give yourself some of that love and confidence and you will blossom. The hardest and bravest part was making the decision to do this, and youve already done that!!

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 29/06/2023 23:53

I'm so sorry for the delayed reply. It has been an awful week and my anxiety has been through the roof. My soon to be ex has been changing the goal posts again and causing issues with the divorce and house sale weeks before we're meant to complete. I've been in tears most days and feeling like I can't cope anymore. Just when I think I'm getting to the end it gets worse and then it gets worse again and then it gets worse again. I've been working more shifts to try to calm money worries but then I'm even more exhausted and I'm worried about making mistakes at work.
I can't go on like this so moving away is starting to sound more like an escape than a terrifying thing to do.

@Firefinch Thank you! I hope you're right and somehow things will work out ok. I have really appreciated the support here! Thank you so much!

@Lostmum2407 Thank you! This week has really shown how utterly miserable he makes me, how cruel and unreasonable he can be. I was trying to walk away with no hard feelings towards him, no feelings at all but I'm starting to hate him because he is trying to keep me in this situation and stop me from leaving and impact me financially going forward into my new life when I'm working so hard to set up something nice for myself. I don't want to spend my life hating someone but my exhaustion and anxiety and fear because of him is turning into hatred towards him. I'm not even sure if that makes any sense.

@Batiqueattic Thank you! It was all suddenly moving very quickly and now it has stopped this week. There seems to be a ? on everything at the moment and it's funny I'm now desperate to get out. When it was racing forward I was scared about the change but now I'm worried I'm stuck and change will not happen for me.

@stonebrambleboy :) Thank you! I can certainly resonate with this quote!

@Sarahtm35 Thank you! Ironically the fear is now losing those potential opportunities ahead of me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was fearing change and now I'm fearing being stuck again. I have realised this week that I want to get to a space where no man has control over my life or my decisions. Working several extra shifts per week for months in order to earn enough to pay legal bills that someone else is creating is utterly soul destroying. Having less money to put towards my house and my new life even though I'm working more and more hours per week is killing me. I just can't see an end point at this time and I don't know how I can keep coping through this I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Sarahtm35 · 25/06/2023 01:26

What I’d you stayed with this awful person.
what about all the missed opportunities, missed friendships, missed relationships and happy times.
it is far better to go out there and take a gamble on the possibility that it might be the best decision you ever made, then to stay where you are and never open up those opportunities.

stonebrambleboy · 25/06/2023 01:19

'I've had many worries in my life, most of which never happened.'
Mark Twain.

Batiqueattic · 25/06/2023 00:49

You can do it. You've carefully planned all of this & it's really happening. Change is scary & it's absolutely normal to feel anxious & overwhelmed at times but hang on. You can do this. It won't all be plain sailing but your life is going to be infinitely better and soon. Good for you!

Lostmum2407 · 25/06/2023 00:09

Sorry I had a typo in my last message. Being happy is not overrated! Be proud that you stood up and decided you deserve better! You do! I never thought I’d ever get divorced but people evolve and what was right for you then might not be right for you now. Life is short. Be happy!

Firefinch · 25/06/2023 00:02

iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:46

@Firefinch Thank you so much! :)

It has been HUGELY helpful to start this thread. I had questioned doing it for a few weeks when I was at my lowest and I'm so glad that I took the chance. I never expected such a huge and positive response. Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I hope this thread is helpful for others as well. It can be so lonely sometimes and it's wonderful to know that we are never truly alone. ❤

I'm really glad that this thread has been helpful for you. You sound awesome, and you deserve to have a fab life...and I am sure things will come in to place for you bit by bit. Just remember to keep reminding yourself of the positives and take a day at a time and try not to worry about the future too much...things will work out just fine.

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:51

@Lostmum2407 :) Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:51

Thank you @Mossstitch I will look more into mindfulness. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience I know it isn't nice when friends and family are not supportive but I'm so glad you're now in a better place and happy! I definitely agree, money does not equal happiness. There is so much more to life.

OP posts:
Lostmum2407 · 24/06/2023 23:49

You weren’t happy! You won’t for it! Stop panicking. It’ll all work out. XxX

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:46

@Firefinch Thank you so much! :)

It has been HUGELY helpful to start this thread. I had questioned doing it for a few weeks when I was at my lowest and I'm so glad that I took the chance. I never expected such a huge and positive response. Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I hope this thread is helpful for others as well. It can be so lonely sometimes and it's wonderful to know that we are never truly alone. ❤

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 24/06/2023 23:42

I've been in similar situation op, divorced after 30 year in a poor marriage, extremely stressful divorce and only blood relatives (apart from adult childen) abusive and caused a lot of trouble and gone no contact with me.

Try mindfulness techniques for calming your brain down especially when trying to sleep. I used to find it very difficult not to go over and over conversations and things that had happened to me but got quite good at stopping myself and changing thoughts (sounds silly but even planning shopping list or things I wanted do the next day, anything boring or mundane). A few years on now and the calmness and freedom is bliss even if not as much money as I could have had💐

Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:40

@RunMynamethroughyourbed @JMSA @amberisola @JamSandle

Thank you for your kind words! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotpanicking · 24/06/2023 23:38

@Springbecamethesummer Thank you!

I don't think people really understand major life changes unless they've experienced themselves. They don't get what's involved. They will just think you will be feeling relieved to end the relationship. They may deep down envy you your fresh start and new possibilities, totally unaware of the stress and enormity of all the uncertainty that lies ahead.

This is so spot on! In my experience people don't seem to realise the amount of planning and preparing I've done, the years of not only mentally and emotionally but physically getting myself ready to make this change. The covert research, the financial planning, the legal advice, the trying to think of every eventuality that I needed to be ready for with a 'd'H that can be unpredictable and potentially dangerous. I didn't just wake up thinking 'Ok I'm out' this has taken years to plan and now it's actually happening! It's not all in my head anymore it's become a reality. It's absolutely utterly terrifying but no one seems to understand that, it's like I've just ordered a salad for lunch and now the topic of conversation is moving on to where to go skiing in January. People around me are carrying on with life as normal and I feel like a white elephant in the room that everyone is pretending doesn't exist so they don't have to acknowledge it.
Thank you for your supportive words!

OP posts:
Firefinch · 24/06/2023 23:32

Just posting to also offer you words of encouragement. It takes real guts and courage to make a huge change like this, and you totally rock for making this big step to change your life for the better, rather than settling for a rubbish life. You should feel proud of yourself.
But it's so understandable to be feeling anxious at this time, it is a big change, anyone would be getting the odd wobble at this stage. But remind yourself of how unhappy you were and why you made this change. You never have to feel that bad again.
I have no doubt that in a couple of years you will look back and be glad that you took these steps...no more bad relationship, better work/life balance...
As for friends, you are probably right, a move does sort the wheat from the chaff with friends. Many people sadly are fair weather friends. But there may be a couple that turn out to be worth keeping in touch with, don't write them all off yet. As to your family, I am sorry they are not being supportive, that is a shame. Maybe they don't realise that they are coming across as unsupportive?
We never really know how life is going to pan out, but you are making some really positive choices for yourself so you have every chance of success. Just give it a bit of time to settle in your new area, don't be surprised if at first you still feel some doubts, but try to put energy into your new area and getting to know people and get involved in things, that will help you build connections and find people that you might want to spend time with.
But I really wish you all the best with this. Why not keep this thread going and use it to check in and as a source of support? You're never really alone when you've got us on here to natter and share with 😊

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