Is it me? Is it over?

Same with us. Best advice I could give to new parents!

Amen! Also, anything I say whilst hungry doesn’t count either 😂

I agree with others who say that you were in the wrong this time but context is everything. Small baby, illness, tired and anxious, no time for self-care, middle of the night. Go easy on yourself. Apologise and then try to find some time to recharge this weekend. Once you’re feeling a bit less stretched you’ll be in a better position to reconnect with your dh.

Oh those middle of the night tired arguments! I remember them well. I wouldn’t put too much store by them tbh.

I am fully aware I am a horrible person, this is my fault and he should leave me

I agree you need you have couples work to do, but I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. No one is in their right mind at 3am, and no marriage with little kids is exempt from this, so move past this incident and focus on your wider communication issues. You both need to check in with each other to minimise this happening. You wake up in the morning or when he gets home from work - have a quick conversation: what percentage are you running at? 20%? Can he pull the 80% for you today? Anytime you can’t meet 100% together then you sit down and you figure out a plan of how not to hurt each other.

Schedule in date nights with no phones to reconnect.

Sort out childcare for your CBT - get a babysitter, ask to change appointments offered so you can go at a time best for your DH to take the kids, ask for remote or telephone appointments, sign up for an online CBT course that you can do whenever.

Your not a horrible person OP, your just tired, overwhelmed and maybe alittle depressed. Right now your stuck in a rutt and you need to get yourself out of it. Talk to each other, be affectionate, go different places, do different things and have date nights when the kids are in bed, even if its just at home, make an effort, you can make this work 💪❤

That is brilliant advice.

It sounds like you don't like him anymore. I'd struggle if my partner was irritable and lost their temper with me, even if it wasn't that regular. I'm not surprised he is disinterested in what you say if you are behaving like you are.

What does loosing your temper consist of? Do you loose you temper with other people or with your kids?

Do you want to save the marriage?

It could be middle of the night row that’s easily forgotten, but OP’s backstory is that it’s far from an isolated or occasional incident. He’s expressed how he feels and broken down in front of her, this after a period where she’s picked at him and he’s distanced himself from her.

it isn’t something she should dismiss, for the sake of her marriage.

Why are you taking care of both kids when you’re ill?

He needs to step up, does he not know baby needs a night feed?

OP, you sound really stressed, and anxious. I think you need to sit down with DH and apologise and tell him how you’re feeling. I was a really anxious mother when my children were tiny and it sounds like you’re the same. Please own up to your feelings and where you might be in the wrong but without feeling guilty about it. Guilt won’t help. It’s about finding a way forward, not about beating yourself up

I agree. Honestly middle of the night arguments when people are ill and knackered are always unreasonable. Let the dust settle and then have an honest chat about it when you're both feeling up to it. You're coming a bit out of the trenches with baby now in terms of regaining evenings, so maybe you can take some time to work on spending time together and getting back into that habit. It's easy with young kids to let that side of things slide.

You need to apologise.
Secondly I think couples do argue more, your irritable due to having no sleep, communication is off because your too tired to talk about things, rationale is out the window, it’s incredibly hard.
You do seem that you went on and on and on if you made your DH cry.
What’s wrong with a “shhh shhhh” it worked for mine and still does. Obviously address a baby’s needs, but sometimes a little “shhh” sends them back to sleep.
I agree if the roles were reversed posters would be falling over themselves to say ltb. 😏

In all fairness he is a man and with our 4, 3 of which are under 2 I eventually realised all I had to do was say go sort whoever it is and give them a bottle and hubby would hop out of bed and that would be it. They don't think like us and just assume baby needs a cuddle or reassurance. We have similar hubbies they are very good, mine works then dives in with everything unasked as soon as he comes home..its rare I will ask for help in the night but the times I have I just made it clear what one of the babies wanted and that was that. There was really no need to go on like you did but I know your tired, feel ill so I understand that also. Just go apologise show some love and get on with the day and I hope you feel better soon

Night rage is a very very real thing. I’ve been there. But this seems to be a combination of night rage plus being unwell but blown massively out of proportion.

Your daughter wakes up around once a week so it’s not like there’s a routine every night that she needs milk as soon as she wakes up. Your husband was dealing with her, but in a way that you didn’t approve of. I suspect that’s where the comment about criticism comes - you want it to be done your way and you expect him to read your mind (again, been there!).

He’s your child’s dad and your partner - you need to trust him and his way of doing things.

Is he really so bad that he deserved everything that he got last night? If so, then your marriage is clearly in trouble. If not, then you need to massively apologise. You really were out of order last night, and ordinarily, we would be advising the wrong partner to get their ducks in a row. It’s on you to change that.

Anything said in the middle of the night with a 6 month old is a write off 😂😂

Say sorry for being snappy and move on - it’s not the end of the world to be a bit narky at 3am, sleep deprived and sick.

Also make a real effort not to intervene when it's his turn to do a thing, even if it's not "your way" (unless he's being actually unsafe obvs). Just roll your eyes silently but leave him to it.

When dd was a baby I got to know her cries, so I knew when it was a hungry cry or just "I need a cuddle" cry. Your dh maybe hasn't learnt them yet. So you knew she was hungry. Let him learn by trying different things. He'll quickly learn.

It's really not the end of the world, or your marriage.

• apologise
• when it's day time, and you're both calm, calmly talk through an agreed plan of action for night wakings eg "on weeknights I'll get up, on weekends you get up. We try shushing for 5 mins first then we get a bottle".
• try and be more friendly/affectionate/chatting, whatever you know works to build up the goodwill
• consider bringing in extra help when one of you is ill, whatever that looks like. Eg your mum helps for a few hours in the afternoon so you can take a nap

This is all on you I'm afraid. Apologise and start being nicer to him if you want to save your marriage.

If he genuinely does 5050 why are you so snappy?

If he never does nights I think it was unrealistic to think he would spontaneously do it, especially if you have done them when you are more poorly woth no complaints.

I dont think you should have woken him from the sofa.

Just talk to him about what you actually want and need. If he is genuinely lovely you should find common ground.

And instead of letting rage and resentment accumulate and spiral silently until you explode - talk about your feelings to your DH and what you need to be able to manage.

Tell him your overwhelmed and talk together about how you can work together to do some things differently. Just the act of being able to talk and work on it together will make all the difference.

This. She took any reason for confrontation. No communication, insisting she got up with baby then snapping about it... I don't cry often at all, but I would have been in tears if my DP picked on me like that.

Ah.

It sounds like you have a good marriage and overall you middle through together.

These moments - illness and small children and sleepless nights - test the best marriage.

Try to be kind to each other and give yourselves a break. Everyone has terrible rows at this life stage - its inevitable with the huge pressure.

What matters is can you hug and make up and say sorry where appropriate. And go on together.

This time round it sounds like you need to say sorry. I am sure your DH can understand that you aren't a saint.