MIL too much??

My ILs were like this. Demanded we cancel long held plans or take leave at the last minute to fit in with their plans, made snide comments about how my mother knew me better because I spent more time with her (well yes the first 23 years of my life before I met you, you absolute loons).

It took ten years of their tantrumming and emotional blackmail before I decided enough was enough, they actually weren't very nice people and I didn't want to spend any time with them.

OP, you need to be v careful going forwards

You can see what the MIL is like already, if you were to have a child with your partner this will be ten times more intense

I'm not sure how close you live to her, hopefully not too close

She isn't going to change. People over a certain age can't change

Family holidays, going over to her's all day on Christmas Day, spending Father's Day with them instead of your own Dad

She sounds very selfish. Like I said, if you have a child in the future she'll be camped at your house and when she's not there she'll want you at her's all the time

Just bare it in mind

Set boundaries now.

Do not go. Encourage your bf to go so that his father and siblings have a nice day, and you go see your dad as planned.

Stop splitting everything equally - see people as and when you like.

And my main advice would be to try and nip the whole 'Xmas here one year, there the next' thing in the bud. There might come a time when you want the day to yourselves, either before or if you have children.

I find that me and my partner are in a rut of bending to everyone else's plans and wishes, and having our own ignored. I am over it, and 11 years and 2 children in it's causing huge problems, and making me massively resentful of him and his family. Not sure if it's something that can be fixed or not.

This here.

Some people just don’t get that the more they stamp their feet and moan you don’t want to see them or act like a petulant child when you do saying you prefer other people, makes you want to spend less time with them.

My dad did that to me. Constantly telling me I didn’t care about him because I didn’t spend all my free time with him, when I did see him, he was moody and saying to me, “I bet you’d rather be with other people”. Well, frankly yes, if you are just going to have a sour face all day and moan.

I don’t know what people like that want, nothing will ever be good enough.

This is the first major "test" she's created. If you bow to her now she'll know she's got her own way, and you'll be dancing to her tune forever. Don't do it. Set your boundaries NOW else she'll ride roughshod everything else you want to do with your family. This is about control, nothing else.

Don't give in to this mad cow now as that'll set a precedent for all future insanity from her! She doesn't OWN you- she doesn't GET you like a possession. She's friggin batshit. Put your foot down, stick to your plans & be very very grateful to your other half for being on your side.

"I've loved being part of your family, but if you're going to sit logging the amount of time we spend with those we llove, comparing your share, and even monitoring our perceived levels of enthusiasm for being with our family members, that's incredibly unhealthy and I will want to see less of you, not more"

Stand up to this rude woman. Do it now. It won't get any easier. She may not like it. That's OK.

Or she will steam roll over you for the rest of your life!

Kindly meant but you are spectacularly naive.
Of course it is your youth, but you need to take this very seriously.

She is a highly manipulative controlling batshit woman.

Her husband enables her.

Unless you back away from her, see very little of her and make it crystal clear to your partner that his mother will hear nothing of your plans and will have no say whatsoever in your plans, your life is going to be nothing but absolute misery.

Stop being involved.

Do NOT tell your partner how to deal with his batshit mother.

He knows her better than you and has been dealing with her for longer.

A sensible woman would walk away from this.
You have no idea how stressful life can be when a MIL is batshit and interfering.

Everything will be a battle.
If you have children, it will be hell from the minute you announce.

Get rid of this all one happy family fairytale.

This is NOT one of those.

This is a horror film and you better wake up quickly and put up very firm boundaries.

The rudeness and arrogance of this woman that you know 5 minutes trying to dictate to you about fathers day, is who she is.

That you are not appalled tells me your boundaries are poor and you are susceptible to her.

She is not a nice woman.

Her mental health threats are so ugly and controlling.

Start speaking honestly to your partner about his childhood and how much he really wants to see HIS family.

You need to start to see more of your family on your own.

I would 100% think it is likely that Christmas was deliberate.

Go to your family for Christmas and tell him he can decide for himself where he wants to go.

If you don't assert yourself quickly and firmly, this will get a lot worse.

Don't give into MIL OP. Spend Father's Day with your DF. She sounds overbearing and this will probably get worse if you have DC, and she feels she is 'competing' with the other grandparents.

I assume you are on the younger side OP.

"Christmas this year was planned to the hour so we could be as fair as possible between all our family."

This is no way you live your life.
Planning a day by the HOUR to please everyone but yourself, and allowing yourself to get pulled from pillar to post.

No.

DH and I set really firm boundaries with all of our parents as soon as we started out in our early 20s. It might have hurt some feelings then (although noone ever called us out on it), but our parents were only in their late 50s and much more resilient, and it has ensured we've never had to pander to any of this nonsense.

My SIL never set boundaries and is trying to do so for the first time now that she's a month away from having her first child at the age of 40. She's finding it VERY tough to do and isnt being taken seriously. And noone wants to risk hurting the feelings of parents in their mid 70s, with health issues, who may not have long left.

Don’t suck it up and go. Spend the time with your dad and let your BF work something out with his dad. The situation is your MIL’s doing not anyone else’s.

You sound like a nice person who has really tried but maybe now is the time to stop trying to keep things even so much.

Your MIL has traits of mine. I remember Mother’s Day my PIL booked a table for the 4 of us to go with DC. It was right in the middle of the day. Didn’t account for me perhaps wanting to see my mum at some point or even that I might have fancied a meal or day out with DH and DC ourselves. There was no question that we wouldn’t have seen MIL on the day. We suggested another time later on but the restaurant only had one slot left which they declined saying it was too late in the day. It wasn’t that late, it was just later than their preference. I even rang around a few places and got a time elsewhere that worked better for us but was not as late in the day as the original place. They declined that as they said they didn’t like that restaurant. So guess what happened on Mother’s Day?

I visited my mum with her gift early on, me DH and DC went for a lovely meal together which was delicious and then we visited PIL with MIL’s gift. They didn’t get lunch anywhere as they cancelled their booking so they missed out on a nice meal with us.

Sometimes you just need to do what you want to do. You definitely don’t want to set any precedents.

This! I would send him a message saying how much you appreciate him, and you will see him soon.

The real issue here is your BF and his DF. They shouldn't miss out on a lovely day due to MIL behaviour. I hope that they can celebrate together.

And as for MIL, you are not possessions. SHE changed the schedule at Christmas. You don't engage in silly games such as this one, and won't be blackmailed into doing what she wants, at your or your family's cost. I would remain very firm on this, whilst at the same time, following BF's lead. It's not worth falling out over, but it is absolutely important to clearly and plainly, nipping it in the bud immediately.

You need to nip this in the bud now and stay firm with your boundaries otherwise you will truly regret it. If you give in to her stomping over your boundaries and arrangements she will just do it time and time again to get her way - there is no incentive for her to listen to you.

I have a married relative who had one set of parents who did this and it turned every Christmas, Easter and holiday into a horrible stressful endurance test and they totally regretted that they didn't put their foot down. The parents actually used to time how long the couple spent with the other parents and demanded equal time. As the 2 sets of parents lived over 150 miles apart Christmas was mostly spent on the motorway attempting to comply with the equal time directive (and there would be sulks if they got stuck on the motorway and missed sone of the alotted time). Things got much worse after they had kids,

Can you imagine when you have kids

oh i only sawlittle harry for 40 minutes your parents got an hour
its only going to get worse

When people ask why childless people are on mumsnet this is (1 of the reasons)why. Many years ago I googled 'how to deal with a demanding MIL at Christmas " and this is where I ended up!
Stand firm. Hard boundaries. Expect them to try and trample on them.
My MIL was a lovely lady, who I did get on with but God knows she would have micro managed any special occasion or day to suit her. Resist!

I love the idea of contacting your boyfriends father if he is a good egg. I would make sure you do something not related to either family for part of Christmas ( or for part of the time you do your family and he does his) . You are not a possession to be shared. You will do what you want to do at Christmas. I would book a couple weekend for Christmas asap

It is really important you don't go. Your MIL will never ever stop this game if it works for her and she gets you when she wants. Enjoy the day with your Dad!

It certainly is a good idea to figure out proper boundaries before you even think about having kids. Otherwise you will have a MIL crying in front of them because they prefer your mum and getting ultra competitive with your family over every minute with them.

There is no need to keep score of how much time you spend with whose family making sure it’s exactly the same. There is no need to spend any holidays with any family even, if you choose not to. Pandering to MIL and enabling her is not gonna help in the long run.

No don't suck it up and go.
They don't "get you" when they choose or feel entitled to. You are not property.

You should spend time with them by mutual choosing not because they've guilted you into by planning things for you without talking to you or your partner.

This dynamic is often brought about by women like your Mil emasculating their weak husbands. They then emotionally make a husband out of their sons and are intrusive, controlling and demanding.

While it’s good your boyfriend has stood up to his mum, it’s a failing on Fil part that he has to do this. Eventually, if it follows the typical pattern, boyfriend will bow out and it will be left for you to deal with her.

What would you do op, if in 20 years time your husband is bullying your sons girlfriend to not see her mum on Mother’s Day? Think about that, because that will tell you just how weird Fil reaction to this is. It’s troubling that he doesn’t appear alarmed or surprised by it. In other words, he’s used to it.

I would immediately create significant distance from this toxic pair.

Very bizarre considering you aren't married and have no kids. You aren't some sort of prize or possession to be shared out. You are both adults and don't have to visit any relatives for Christmas if you don't want to. I've never done taking it in turns neither have my sibs. As your boyfriend is one of 3 children it seems odd they are so desperate to see you. Fathers day is to spend with your own father if possible. She sounds controlling and lacking a life of her own

He is truly like a second father to me, and helps us with absolutely anything we need, whenever we need it with no string attached. I feel as though he is the one suffering.

Stop feeling sorry for Fil. Like a lot of men in these situations he is a weak enabler. His silence about his wife’s batshit abusive behaviour speaks volumes. Unless he is deaf or was not present he heard the shitty comments. And he could say something, but he doesn’t. He is not on your side, he’s on the side of his wife and has passively played along with the idea you should centre him on Father’s Day over your own father.

His response of do what you gotta do, is simply not good enough. What’s happening is toxic, weird, and he has opted out leaving your boyfriend to deal with it.

Wow! I don’t have a dad so have never celebrated Father’s Day but you should 100% spend Sunday with your Dad. Father’s Day is for spending with your Father, it isn’t a holiday where you switch it up between families like some people do with Christmas.

MIL is being totally unreasonable with this, the holidays are not comparable.