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Original poster

Comments about hand me downs

84 replies

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/06/2023 12:48

This is a funny one as I think it’s more political than practical.

I have an older girl and two younger boys. My sil and bil have a girl who is 6 years younger than my girl and a boy just 2 years younger than my youngest boy.

I have taken a pragmatic approach to hand me downs and just gave the girls away to friends / family with children close in age to mine and that has meant that I have given the youngest boy’s clothes to my sil for her boy but she’s made a few sharp comments and so has her daughter and also my bil about how her daughter doesn’t get anything etc.

I can’t hold on to clothes for 6 years + and I can’t imagine they want me to give them things that are massively too big. My daughter is tall and always wore clothes several ages bigger and their girl wears clothes several sizes smaller. So the age gap is huge!

They have buckets of cash so really don’t need my hand me downs. I’m tempted just to stop giving any!

Writing this I can see it is so petty! Going to let the whole thing dry up I think. What would you do?

OP posts:
MyMachineAndMe · 18/06/2023 14:49

Tell her that beggars can't be choosers and to be grateful for what she is given. They're your items to give to whomever you feel deserves or needs them most.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 14:47

I'd say something like "if it's a problem I don't have to hand down any clothes if it's easier"

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 18/06/2023 14:38

Could your niece not wear any of your son's old clothes?
Seems like someone's got a weird idea that children's clothes are gendered.
Probably you, as you don't mention your sons getting hand-me-downs from their big sister.

DJT86 · 18/06/2023 13:55

I give hand me downs to my SIL too they don't expect it, are comfortable rather than wealthy. But she is always grateful and the stuff is always in good condition. Clearly if they are sharp they have no awareness sorry to be so blunt of how much others would appreciate it. I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 17/06/2023 17:48

Yes I probably could have but small children and living moment to moment, it didn’t really occur to me. People can choose to be touchy about things or they can not.

OP posts:
5128gap · 17/06/2023 14:58

Could you not just have said what you've said here? "I didn't think you'd want to hang on to them for years until they fit neice, but if you do, I'll pass them on"?
Yes they're cheeky but it's a problem very easily resolved without angst or drama on either side.

milveycrohn · 17/06/2023 14:51

Just give them all to the charity shop, DS and DD 's clothes; and not more giving.
This solves all problems.
You may not be helping your SIL, but you will be helping someone else.

dickheed · 17/06/2023 14:45

I wouldn't give them anything if they'd been "sharp" to me.

Lacucuracha · 17/06/2023 14:25

followmyflow · 17/06/2023 14:19

It does feel unfair that you are getting clothes for her son but not for her daughter. But she shouldn't have been rude about it.

She’s not getting clothes for her son, they’re handmedowns,

Lacucuracha · 17/06/2023 14:25

I would stop giving for the son as well.

followmyflow · 17/06/2023 14:19

It does feel unfair that you are getting clothes for her son but not for her daughter. But she shouldn't have been rude about it.

TeenLifeMum · 17/06/2023 13:42

Just say you are getting rid of a load of age 10-11 (or whatever) girls’ clothes and did she want them? If not you’ll pass on to friends. If she asks you to hold you say no, we need the space I’m afraid.

This is such a non issue.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 17/06/2023 13:38

I think I’d have to say something.

“you keep making jibes about the things we’re giving you. Our boys are close in age. It makes sense to give you their things if you’d like them but I am more than happy to bypass you and just charity shop the lot if you really want it to be ‘fair’.

“My girl is a teen, so surely you’re not suggesting we hang on to her things for years, just for you, or do you want to store clothes you can’t use for years?”

(I’d laugh at her at this point).

TeenDivided · 17/06/2023 13:33

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/06/2023 17:20

Thanks everyone. It’s been really interesting hearing your views. i think I’ll just give my hand me downs to people that need them for financial reasons and not bother with saving them up. They live abroad anyway so it’s a hassle to keep them and remember to hand over etc. I don’t really like their attitude which is ungrateful anyway.

Ive enjoyed reading others’ points of view on this!

Is this actually the crux of it?

You turn up to visit them with loads of clothes for the boy but nothing for the daughter?
You wouldn't turn up with a present for one but not the other, so maybe the hand me downs feel like extra presents?

DoubleTime · 17/06/2023 13:03

Unfortunately since they are complaining about the equity of this, the only way to resolve that would be to give to neither child ! They can't expect you to buy new for their daughter just to even up the clothing gifts.

Original poster
Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/06/2023 19:01

Yes exactly, I do see that it must feel unfair, wish I had thought of that before I started giving. I never meant to cause that kind of feeling. This is why it’s political rather than practical. And I’ve been too focussed on the practical not the political. Well you live and learn!

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 16/06/2023 18:09

I think that, especially if they live abroad and so there's an element of 'saving them up' in any case, what I'd actually do is stop giving any hand me downs, including the boys clothes. While I think they're wildly unreasonable I can sort of see why they find it annoying that you're turning up with stuff for their son but not their daughter, but the easiest solution to that is to give it to neither!

LadyTemperance · 16/06/2023 18:02

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/06/2023 17:58

I love how sustainable nearly always equals tight in this sort of thread.

It’s not about sustainability as these clothes are already going to people who reuse them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/06/2023 17:58

I love how sustainable nearly always equals tight in this sort of thread.

LadyTemperance · 16/06/2023 17:43

Well if these hand me downs are being flown around the world this makes even less sense. I think you have come to the right conclusion.

AnneElliott · 16/06/2023 17:43

They'd get nothing from me any more since they've been so entitled! What a cheek!

Original poster
Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/06/2023 17:20

Thanks everyone. It’s been really interesting hearing your views. i think I’ll just give my hand me downs to people that need them for financial reasons and not bother with saving them up. They live abroad anyway so it’s a hassle to keep them and remember to hand over etc. I don’t really like their attitude which is ungrateful anyway.

Ive enjoyed reading others’ points of view on this!

OP posts:
Didimum · 16/06/2023 14:56

LadyTemperance · 16/06/2023 14:45

@Didimum but your post implies she deserves first dibs. Unless she were unable to afford new why would she deserve these clothes in preference to a friend who can use them straight away?

I didn't say she deserves first dibs. OP asks what we would do, and I said what I would do. No one is required to agree with me.

MrsLiam · 16/06/2023 14:51

In 6+ years time, when the clothes finally fit her daughter, they'll look dated and she won't want them.
My cousin used to do something like this for me with her child's clothes, hand them over years ahead of the time we would have actually been able to use them. To be fair I don't always like her taste anyway but when you add in the fact that the clothes have been stored so long, we used a tiny fraction of what was given. I found it a bit of a pain to be honest.

LadyTemperance · 16/06/2023 14:45

@Didimum but your post implies she deserves first dibs. Unless she were unable to afford new why would she deserve these clothes in preference to a friend who can use them straight away?

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