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Original poster

ADHD =/= arsehole.

40 replies

LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 15/06/2023 08:26

The amount of times I read comments that assume a lazy, entitled, or even abusive person (often male partner/husband) must have ADHD is staggering. In various threads, across the board, I see it time and time again. (We could add ASD to this as well, but I've seen ADHD come up so often lately I'm focusing on that specifically)

This assumption is so, so damaging.

It's hurtful to anyone with neurodiversity. It damages children struggling in school, colleagues at work, family and friends.

ADHD doesn't mean someone isn't self aware and doesn't care about how they treat other people. It doesn't mean they can't work, or function day to day. It can make all this harder to achieve, and require a lot more effort than can be perceived by others.

But ADHD doesn't make someone an arsehole. Only arseholes do that.

Can we just STOP with the frequent suggestions that someone's unpleasant behaviour must mean neurodiversity? It's shockingly discriminatory.

OP posts:
Sarahtm35 · 15/06/2023 09:38

My husband has Tourette’s (tics and makes throat noises) it gets worse with stress but he’s the loveliest most hard working man and runs his own successful estate agency business. We became parents at 18, have been through poverty and homelessness, depression and anxiety, disabled child and no support from anyone but he has stuck by me for 21 years and devoted his life to me and our 3 daughters. He’s not always perfect and does sometimes have his bad days mental health wise but he’s a good man and I feel very lucky.

Bumpitybumper · 15/06/2023 09:21

It's a difficult subject because I think a lot of people talk about neurodiversity in regards to undesirable behaviour as shorthand for understanding if the person can control how their behaving or not. I think there is an assumption that if someone has ADHD/ASD/any other disorder then they can't be held accountable for their actions in the same way that a NT person could be.

The problem is that (I would argue most) people can have neurodiversity in some aspects that doesn't satisfy the criteria for a formal diagnosis but still exists and underlies their behaviour. The old saying that nobody is 'normal' is true so the idea that people can be segregated easily into NT and ND is a fallacy.

In this context, I do believe that a lot of the time when people behave unusually (in a good or bad way) it is driven by atypical thoughts and feelings that can be linked to ND in someway. I think this is especially true when someone keeps repeating patterns of behaviour that hurt them and have obvious undesirable effects for them and those around them. Very few people actively choose to be bad people and make bad choices. Without a formal diagnosis though people tend to be very unsympathetic.

x2boys · 15/06/2023 09:05

Nobody can just be a twat,any more.on here it's either Adhd/ Autism or.Narcissist 🙄

Fancylike · 15/06/2023 09:04

Every time I see this, it’s used to excuse bad behaviour. Especially in certain Facebook groups populated by Americans. Everyone can be excused for being neurodivergent, especially for lazy crap like using disposable cutlery and paper plates for every meal.

MorganSeventh · 15/06/2023 08:55

I don't disagree but equally having ADHD doesn't mean someone ISN'T an arsehole. It can be both.

You can have ADHD and not be an arsehole
You can have ADHD and be an arsehole
You can not have ADHD and not be an arsehole
You can not have ADHD and be an arsehole

I think a lot of posts are trying to untangle which of the four situations it is, in order to know how to react. I have friends who have ADHD and who are not arseholes and ex-friends who have ADHD and who were.

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 08:49

My son has ADHD. He's an adult now and works full time, is buying his own house and cares for his cat. As a child he was hard work, but now as an adult he is flourishing. He has a girlfriend and is attentive to her needs. It just took him a bit longer to mature than others his age, but he got there in the end and he has good friends too.

Original poster
LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 15/06/2023 08:46

BigCheekBitch · 15/06/2023 08:34

I have ADHD, but sometimes we forget that the ADHD community isnt filled with people like us.

25% of the prison population likely have ADHD. It's closely linked to severe addiction issues.

If my husband decided to misinterpret who I am and write a forum post complaining about me - people probably would call me a lazy nasty bitch. Someone who can read the disordered thinking that I have might be able to spot the neurodiversity.

It's not always right and I dont know the posts you're talking about but on MN when I've seen ND suggested I dont think it's totally out of line.

I think it's probably always out of line to offer up a diagnosis of ADHD on the basis of a few lines on an internet forum. And the blasé manner in which people try to attach labels to other people perpetuates discrimination.

There are complex and myriad reasons for those statistics, and worth discussing.

OP posts:
InTodaysNews · 15/06/2023 08:42

The armchair psychiatry drives me mad.
On every thread where someone's partner / relative / friend has acted like a complete arse, there they are with their wisdom.
Sounds like ADHD/ autism / neurodiverse, etc.
No, it sounds more like a complete arse, so please shut the hell up and stop trying to justify shit behaviour with a label.
Insulting to the ones who have been formally diagnosed with those conditions.

TwoRedKittens · 15/06/2023 08:42

I've stopped mentioning my diagnosis to anyone who didn't already know about it since almost every inconsiderate, selfish arsehole started using ADHD to excuse their shitty behaviour.

Mothership4two · 15/06/2023 08:36

TBH I haven't seen this, but would violently disagree if I did as it is completely unfair.

My son has ADHD and definitely is not an arsehole! He is quite a sweet and sensitive soul and caring towards others, but life with him has had its ups and downs

BigCheekBitch · 15/06/2023 08:34

I have ADHD, but sometimes we forget that the ADHD community isnt filled with people like us.

25% of the prison population likely have ADHD. It's closely linked to severe addiction issues.

If my husband decided to misinterpret who I am and write a forum post complaining about me - people probably would call me a lazy nasty bitch. Someone who can read the disordered thinking that I have might be able to spot the neurodiversity.

It's not always right and I dont know the posts you're talking about but on MN when I've seen ND suggested I dont think it's totally out of line.

PuffinsRocks · 15/06/2023 08:33

Absolutely agree OP.

TwoRedKittens · 15/06/2023 08:32

ADHD doesn't mean someone isn't self aware and doesn't care about how they treat other people. It doesn't mean they can't work, or function day to day. It can make all this harder to achieve, and require a lot more effort than can be perceived by others.

This, 100%. I also have ADHD and couldn't agree more.

Florissante · 15/06/2023 08:32

Add autism to that.

Sapphire387 · 15/06/2023 08:28

I have ADHD and yes, I agree with you.