ADHD =/= arsehole.

Well yes, but in that case isn't it also out of line to offer up the suggestion to "LTB" based on a few lines of an Internet post?
I agree with another poster that often when neurodiversity is suggested, it is because the OP has mentioned dc with ADHD etc. And then there IS an increased likelihood that a parent might have the same.

Yes 100%... my friend self diagnosed her Partner with ASD as he can't relationship well amd is emotionally removed. Umm that's is a lot of men then. But it is ridiculous.

Are you referring to the people saying, 'a bit xyz' or me? I can assure I have a very good understanding of those conditions and it's either you have it or not. You can't have 'a little bit' of it. I wish one could.

This is my ds.
But on here l see people talking about their dh. Then casually through the post they happen to mention that 2 out of 3 of their dc have autism. So many things relating to the dh screams of autism and l think : how on earth have you not even thought your dh also has autism? It is definitely worth exploring. I think it's completely OK for someone to suggest this as sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees. So suggesting something is not always a bad thing and to be honest it is often my first thought while reading. I work in this area and am familiar with it and have a ds with adhd..and possibly a dh..not diagnosed but since ds was diagnosed as an adult the penny is starting to drop.

There are things my dh does that I put down to his adhd (no attention to detail, hoarding based on hobbies he fixates on for example) that I would otherwise be more angry with him about, it's the ADHD "label" that shows me he's not just being a dick.

Only someone who has no understanding of those conditions would say that.

I find its mainly people who are ND or whose children are that offer the suggestion that the behaviour seen/experienced may be a result of one or other disorder.

That then is usually interpreted by others as 'excusing' the person because of a possible disorder and then round and round it goes.

I also don't understand being, 'a little bit on the spectrum' or 'a little bit asd', 'a bit OCD'. What are these people talking about? do the people in question actually have a diagnosis or are these made up terms by armchair diagnosticians?

People think these conditions are a excuse for bad behaviour and the amount of people I hear who have adhd/asd/bpd/bipolar and ocd (just because you clean your house means Jack shit I wish ocd was that simple)without even going to the dr never mind a diagnosis is ridiculous.

I think a lot of this is based on the kneejerk urge that a lot of women have to let abusive, useless or neglectful partners off the hook.

You're absolutely right, of course, but it isn't just neurodiversity, its also "could he be tired?" "could he be depressed?" "could he be under lots of stress at work?" The answer to all of the above is possibly, yes, but none of this excuses him from being an arsehole.

A lot of women who are themselves in poor relationships read these threads, read people saying LTB and then read across to their own lives, in which they are constantly writing off and excusing this sort of shit behaviour.

So while I do understand why you find this offensive, I don't think it's particularly directed at people with ADHD or another form of neurodiversity, it's just the awful tendency of women to grasp at straws to excuse suboptimal partners.

Totally agree, in fact the RSD with ADHD makes me hyper aware if how my behaviour affects others and the guilt if upsetting people is debilitating.

It's so unfair when people say untrue and flippant things about ADHD (and other ND) as it shows just of ignorant and ableist they are.

As does 'mental health'. Mention mental health and you'll be forgiven for murdering your mother. Every and any failure on an individual's part is down to 'mental health' case closed.

It was a breath of fresh air when mental awareness all kicked off making people aware of the struggles of people with MH issues and they could help by just being kinder, more understanding, less judgemental and how to recognise symptoms early because an early intervention goes a long way to stopping Mental illlness escalating.
Now it's just all gone wrong. The definition of mental illness has become a catch all phrase for every emotion going. What happened to people just being sad or anxious and recognising that its just a temporary state of mind caused by events at that time and not a pathological illness?

Thank you @LookingForFreeDoughnuts . My DS has ADHD and he's the loveliest most considerate young man you could ever hope to meet. Like you, I also see ADHD being used to explain every shitty behaviour going on MN and it riles people into assuming adhd = Selfish, narcissistic, arsehole.

This

Whilst I agree with you, my ex did have an ND condition diagnosed and was an abusive arsehole so I think the posts are trying to untangle how much some posters should try and give leeway for certain behaviours and what is just abusive.

Abuse becomes normalised a lot of the time and you become used to behaviour and that is always excused away by ND by the perpetrator, so I don't think that it is fair to say everyone is labelling, it's trying to understand why they are behaving in a certain way.

My DH was diagnosed late with ADHD(before I met him) and he’s the kindest, most hardworking, most emotionally intelligent person I know. He’s also got terrible executive functioning and can’t sit still, but it’s manageable. 🤣

It also fucking annoys me when people who like to be a bit tidy/clean say they have OCD. No they aren't! It's a proper debilitating mental condition and saying that just trivialises it.

HAHAHAHAHA
I play MN bingo and have bets with myself - how long can someone go without mentioning SN? Even on posts about pets.

I wish I could pin your post to the top of every thread in MN.

This is how MN works OP. Any form of bad behaviour, either in an adult or a chid, and the go-to response is 'they must have SN. People can't just be badly behaved because they are spoilt, rude, badly brought up, nasty people.

Absolutely people are so flippant at throwing out their armchair diagnoses and psychology with no insight or understanding
Trivialises neurodiversity from each side

YANBU I have autism and ADHD and I am so goddamn sick of people thinking I'm like these lazy abusive arseholes.

I’m always in two minds whether to mention my sons adhd diagnosis. If I say ‘autism’ he is treated completely differently and much more positively than if I say ‘autism and adhd’ (not that I go around telling random people, just when it’s asked for on forums for clubs or whatever).

I've done this this morning. I wasn't trying to excuse poor behaviour, but it seemed so unusual that I felt it was worth raising as an option for the poster to explore before she leaves her dp. This was based on it sounding very similar to my ND ds and his understanding of other people's feelings/take on the world. I felt that rather than just assuming the dp was being an arse hole, the poster might want to have a discussion with dp about how other people feel differently before she ups and leaves a house they've just bought together. It has been possible to teach my ds over the years that we all have different needs and views (and that's okay) and he is now able to see that and take account of it.

I guess what I'm saying is that I agree with you that arsehole behaviour isn't always/often due to neurodiversity, but sometimes it is okay to query it as an option. When my ds makes mistakes which are clearly as a result of being ND, I'd prefer people understood that, rather than just assuming he's an arsehole!

Yes it's really infuriating, I was reading a thread a while ago and whilst I can't remember the details within a few posts somebody was almost certain the Op,s husband was autistic ,now maybe he was but nobody can "diagnose" and be almost certain of their diagnosis based on a few lines on the internet
On another thread somebody said they wouldn't be at all surprised iif Prince Louis was Neuro diverse based on nothing more than watching him for a few moments on tv
Neuro Developmental condition.s can be really disabling for some people and it doesn't help.anyone to minimise them.