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AIBU?

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Original poster

Work Leaving do

58 replies

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 02:45

I have been promoted in my company and will join my dream office which I’m relieved about. My current workplace is extremely toxic and honestly I can’t wait to see the back of the majority of people there again! Unfortunately as I’m remaining in the company in a senior leadership role, our paths could cross in the future.

I’m struggling with whether to have a leaving do or not. It’s the norm to send a whole office invite but a lot of people have said they won’t go if X or Y goes or only will go if I also invite their mates from other offices and tbh, it all feels immature. Also I don’t know where to book for the 30+ people who indicated they want to go as it’s a Friday evening.

ideally I’d do a smaller leaving do at a nice restaurant and cherry pick who’s invited - Aibu? ultimately some people who assume they’re getting an invite won’t, cause I just want a relaxing night without any drama. But I’m conscious of leaving people out.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 15/06/2023 08:09

I'd buck the trend and buy a massive cake which can be shared among everyone and say you don't want a leaving do. Leave it a few weeks and invite your chosen few for a dinner.

AgnesX · 15/06/2023 07:47

If you're staying in the same organisation why have one at all - bar a quiet drinks night maybe?

pilates · 15/06/2023 07:45

It all sounds a bit ott to me. Just because everyone else has big leaving dos doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Have some nibbles and drinks in the office if you really have to do something but otherwise I would stick to cakes. And don’t exclude anyone even the ones you can’t stand.

Isthisreasonable · 15/06/2023 07:41

You're leaving and seems you want to be feted (+gifts?) by people you largely don't get on with? I would just bring cake into the office. I would then bring in cake on my first day in the new role, a good way to meet the new team informally. Leave the toxicity behind and start afresh with the new team on a positive note.

Oblomov23 · 15/06/2023 07:22

Just bring in loads of cakes, crispy kreme doughnuts, and some fruit. You can have who you like to a smaller meal later.

Softleftpowerstance · 15/06/2023 07:14

You can’t complain that your office culture is toxic and then criticise posters for not understanding your office culture. The norms you have are part of your culture and will be tied in with the toxicity. It all sounds like hard work and it’s not surprising that cliques have evolved if this is normal.

if you’re moving into senior leadership in the same company then I’m afraid you do have to worry about optics.

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 07:06

I wouldn't attend a leaving do at my own expense so just order in some pizzas and get a couple of bottles of prosecco in the office if people want to stick around after work that day

LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:04

Don't have one. Say you'd like people to donate to a charity of your choice instead. After all it is summer (almost) and many people may have plans for the weekend, you could argue.

hattyhathat · 15/06/2023 07:03

Ah just saw there is no pub

hattyhathat · 15/06/2023 07:03

Just go to the pub for a drink after work

TeaKitten · 15/06/2023 07:01

2 leaving dos for someone who’s not leaving the company is a bit much. There are 75 people you don’t want to invite, which is obviously the majority, so just don’t invite them. I very much doubt everyone else will be as invested in your leaving dos as you are, you might ‘deserve’ it after putting up with everything but it doesn’t mean everyone else is waiting around for an invite. If anyone asks just say you aren’t having a big do as you aren’t leaving the company. No drama needed.

Original poster
thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 06:56

to clear things up, it is the norm to have a leaving do in my company in this situation. It is also the norm to arrange it yourself. Everyone else has had to do so since I started as it is not appropriate for the business to fund it. You can’t assume your own company’s culture is the same as mine.

I am not a senior leader in my current role so don’t need to worry too much about optics. There are definite friendship groups in this office that exclusively socialise and don’t invite the entire office - I have not been invited to every leaving do myself.

There isn’t a nearby pub. In the past, entire restaurants have been hired out to accommodate the volume of people attending. This comes at a cost so colleagues literally pay deposits to attend. Likewise with golf/bowling/darts etc. Hence why it’s a bit annoying having to arrange something with people who mutually dislike each other. I’ll most likely do 2 leaving dos, the “everyone” one and an intimate one afterwards. I know for example people in my team would be more comfortable in an intimate setting vs a large group setting so will hopefully meet everyone’s needs.

OP posts:
boocurl · 15/06/2023 06:54

Aprilx · 15/06/2023 06:28

Were you a member of a senior leadership team though?

If you were, well you probably did cause some rumblings of discontent from the unchosen ones. If you weren’t, then it isn’t comparable.

Show quote history

Yes, I was also part of the senior leadership team in an office of about 100-150 so that part is comparable.

Mine wasn’t a cast of 30+ though - more like 10 at most of the people I worked closely with or had struck up genuine friendships - people who have since left the company but we’re still in touch.

I also went for a lunch one on one with people who couldn’t be there on my last day the lead up.

Teadottie · 15/06/2023 06:35

Just pop something in people's calendars and they can accept or decline. Lots of people won't want to go, and the ones that do can work it out for themselves if they are unsure of going if x or y goes. You can always arrange something later on with people you actively want to see.

drpet49 · 15/06/2023 06:30

Aprilx · 15/06/2023 04:11

I think a leaving do when you are changing office or department or whatever sounds bit unnecessary. It also seems odd that you want a “send off” when you don’t seem to like the people you currently work with. If you really must do something, then cherry picking the people you like best when you are a senior leader seems very inappropriate.

Show quote history

This. You only have a leaving do it you are leaving the company.

Aprilx · 15/06/2023 06:28

boocurl · 15/06/2023 06:23

I’ve moved round my company and ‘left’ departments and no one batted an eye when I only invited people I see as genuine work friends - who I now just consider as friends all these years later!

30+ seems excessive though - not saying you can’t have that many friends but it screams ‘management of office politics’ instead of a friendly leaving do but hey ho, the toxic ones will bitch either way and then a new bit if gossip will come along! You do you!

Were you a member of a senior leadership team though?

If you were, well you probably did cause some rumblings of discontent from the unchosen ones. If you weren’t, then it isn’t comparable.

boocurl · 15/06/2023 06:23

I’ve moved round my company and ‘left’ departments and no one batted an eye when I only invited people I see as genuine work friends - who I now just consider as friends all these years later!

30+ seems excessive though - not saying you can’t have that many friends but it screams ‘management of office politics’ instead of a friendly leaving do but hey ho, the toxic ones will bitch either way and then a new bit if gossip will come along! You do you!

HelpMeGetThrough · 15/06/2023 06:03

Just tell them you aren't having one, as you aren't leaving the business.

I recently did a move to another business unit, after over a decade in the current one. People did ask about what I was doing, I just replied with "nothing, as I'm not leaving".

Did my last scheduled meeting on the Friday, logged off and then started the new role the following week. Job done.

HawdMeBack · 15/06/2023 06:01

As PP have said, in your position, it's inappropriate to pick and choose who attends a leaving do. Either invite everyone or don't have one. You can always arrange a non work related get-together/catch up with the people you like at a later date.

Findyourneutralspace · 15/06/2023 05:59

Yep, open invite to the pub and let them work it out for themselves. Or order pizza/cakes for the office. You can’t cherry pick.

MintJulia · 15/06/2023 05:58

Mallysmum · 15/06/2023 03:08

As you're in the same company just don't have one as you're not 'leaving' and you're superstitious...

You could always plan a catch up with the ones you like at a later date.

This. Take a cake into the office on your last Friday. And then move on without any more fuss

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 05:54

Just put out an open invite for a drink in the pub then when you're there and the numbers have dwindled down ask if anyone fancies grabbing some food.

Lots of the people you want there will have commitments so wont be able to attend anyway.

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 05:50

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 04:48

Without outing my sector, it’s normal for people to move to different departments. 3 managers on same level did the same this year and had send offs so it’s not unusual for the circumstances.

I want to celebrate with the people I‘ll miss. This is where the conflict comes in.

The high turnover is an indication of what the atmosphere is like. It’s a large office with around 100 staff. I wouldn’t say I dislike everyone there, I’m cordial with everyone but have to constantly tolerate rudeness, bullying is rife etc. this is why people are saying they don’t want to go if others are.

There are people there that I like though. Ideally I’d invite around 25 people out of the 100 we work with. Would that still be problematic?

Meet them a week after then for a meal or drink, that way you only need to meet with the ones you want to

letspartytomorrow · 15/06/2023 05:44

Only inviting a portion of the office to a work related event is bullying. I've just finished harassment and bullying training. Someone who felt left out could sue the company for bullying. Best to either invite everyone or not have one.

rainbowstardrops · 15/06/2023 04:56

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/06/2023 04:50

Seems odd to have to organise your own leaving do? You obviously want people to make some kind of a fuss over you though so invite everyone and assume those you don't like feel the same way and won't come. If you're 'senior leadership' act like a grown up and just ignore petty office politics. Your real friends will come along despite who else is or isn't going. Is there not a nearby pub commonly used for leaving drinks?

This is along the lines of what I was going to say.