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AIBU?

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Original poster

Work Leaving do

58 replies

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 02:45

I have been promoted in my company and will join my dream office which I’m relieved about. My current workplace is extremely toxic and honestly I can’t wait to see the back of the majority of people there again! Unfortunately as I’m remaining in the company in a senior leadership role, our paths could cross in the future.

I’m struggling with whether to have a leaving do or not. It’s the norm to send a whole office invite but a lot of people have said they won’t go if X or Y goes or only will go if I also invite their mates from other offices and tbh, it all feels immature. Also I don’t know where to book for the 30+ people who indicated they want to go as it’s a Friday evening.

ideally I’d do a smaller leaving do at a nice restaurant and cherry pick who’s invited - Aibu? ultimately some people who assume they’re getting an invite won’t, cause I just want a relaxing night without any drama. But I’m conscious of leaving people out.

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WideFootWelly · 16/06/2023 16:42

Not quite the same, but for our Christmas do last year we had a whole team thing - late lunch - then said our goodbyes. I then went out with the few people I actually wanted to go out with.
And I'm the manager 😂
I figured they didn't really want me about anyway, and they got an early day.

2bazookas · 16/06/2023 15:47

Tell the office " I'm not leaving the company so not having a leaving do"

Then have a nice private dinner out with a few people you like best

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 16/06/2023 08:56

Christ this is batshit crazy. Your office is toxic yet you seem like the worst of the bunch. Its very over the top. Your not leaving your just moving departments. At my office we just bring in food and lots of it. Some also order lunch butties from a local cafe. It seems to me you hate the majority of people you work with yet want to be showered in gifts by them

MrsRaspberry · 16/06/2023 05:46

Whilst it may be the norm in your company for staff to arrange their own leavers do you're making it more awkward than it should be. You're moving offices not leaving and you don't even seem to like 75% of the people you work with can't you just say you don't want a leaving party and save yourself the hassle? Maybe just ask the ones you do like to come out for food or drinks and if those invited reply with "I'll only come XYZ is invited" then its on them if they want to be picky.

TeenLifeMum · 15/06/2023 23:29

Am I the only one who thinks organising your own leaving do is weird? If you want one then organise it in a place that has worked well before, if not then take some nice cake in on your last day and say “thanks all… have some cake!” Don’t get stressed about this shit, life is far too short!

StripeyDeckchair · 15/06/2023 23:06

You're staying in the organisation so you either invite everyone or do nothing. There is no middle ground for you to be able to have any sort of impartiality in your future role - you'll be picking favourites and it's unprofessional & unethical

TheDisgustingBrothers · 15/06/2023 22:56

It’s quite funny how you’re complaining about the toxic culture within your current workplace yet you're totally feeding into it with all this drama. Surely just be the bigger person, don’t have a leaving do and bring cake in?

it seems absolutely ridiculous to hire a venue to accommodate 100 people when you’re complaining about how toxic most of them are.

Frankenpug23 · 15/06/2023 22:45

I don’t understand why you need to have a leaving do? Just go to the pub and say everyone is welcome?!

Hocuspocusnonsense · 15/06/2023 22:44

I wouldn’t have one at all.

If you’re staying within the same company it will be easy to say you’re not worrying with a leaving do and bring in some cakes and a few bottles of bubbly to share at lunchtime on your last day.

Belmondo · 15/06/2023 13:30

MXVIT · 15/06/2023 10:15

JFC just buy a load of M&S treats, put them on a tambour, send an email out and leave!

Seconded!

MXVIT · 15/06/2023 10:15

JFC just buy a load of M&S treats, put them on a tambour, send an email out and leave!

EarringsandLipstick · 15/06/2023 10:01

Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like
As long as it's separate to a 'going away' event, and she's marked the going away in some way for everyone (drinks invite, cakes or whatever) then she can.

It's only if she does the 'small select' group as a specific and only going away event, that it would be exclusionary.

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 09:58

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2023 09:52

If you are moving into a senior management role then you cannot be excluding anybody. Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like. You will instantly be leaving yourself open to accusations of favouritism which will follow you around

It’s also deeply toxic. The op is accusing others of being toxic but this is as toxic as it gets. I’d wonder at her ability to be a manger, if her go to is mean girls bullying.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2023 09:52

If you are moving into a senior management role then you cannot be excluding anybody. Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like. You will instantly be leaving yourself open to accusations of favouritism which will follow you around

Bookworm20 · 15/06/2023 09:34

EvilElsa · 15/06/2023 08:09

I'd buck the trend and buy a massive cake which can be shared among everyone and say you don't want a leaving do. Leave it a few weeks and invite your chosen few for a dinner.

I'd do this to be honest.

Tell the ones you do like, that you'll stay in touch and then arrange to meet them a couple fo weeks later. Its not a leaving do as such then, just a catch up with friends so no one who isn't invited can moan about it.

If cake in the office isnt n option, just say meeting at x venue for drinks for anyone who wants to come. No need for a bid dinner with deposits taken etc. Leave it as an open invite for whoever can make it. Stay a few hours, talk mainly to the ones you like and then leave.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 15/06/2023 09:25

Either have a small lunch on your last day with your immediate team and say that’s all you’re doing, or have an open invitation at a pub somewhere. (I know you said there isn’t a regular one near the office, but you can find somewhere as close by as possible.) A completely open invitation with no need to book a room or for people to pay deposits avoids having to specifically invite people you don’t actually like, without actively excluding them, and allows you to shut down any “I’m not going if Sally from Accounts is going” nonsense. As you said yourself, that’s all very immature - so don’t enable it.

If there are people you’re genuinely close to in your current office, have a low-key catch-up dinner with them a few weeks after moving. Don’t tie it into your leaving do in any way; that way no one can complain.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/06/2023 09:17

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 06:56

to clear things up, it is the norm to have a leaving do in my company in this situation. It is also the norm to arrange it yourself. Everyone else has had to do so since I started as it is not appropriate for the business to fund it. You can’t assume your own company’s culture is the same as mine.

I am not a senior leader in my current role so don’t need to worry too much about optics. There are definite friendship groups in this office that exclusively socialise and don’t invite the entire office - I have not been invited to every leaving do myself.

There isn’t a nearby pub. In the past, entire restaurants have been hired out to accommodate the volume of people attending. This comes at a cost so colleagues literally pay deposits to attend. Likewise with golf/bowling/darts etc. Hence why it’s a bit annoying having to arrange something with people who mutually dislike each other. I’ll most likely do 2 leaving dos, the “everyone” one and an intimate one afterwards. I know for example people in my team would be more comfortable in an intimate setting vs a large group setting so will hopefully meet everyone’s needs.

Madness.

Cakes at coffee time. Then a lunch another time with those you are friendly with. Nothing more.

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 09:12

Tea party at work. And a drink with office friends at some point a week or so later

Dont only invite a quarter of the people. That’s contributing to the toxic culture you are complaining about.

I love nights out with friends but rarely go to work leaving dos. I see them as an obligation.

DumboLives · 15/06/2023 08:59

None of you really like each other, probably more of a tradition/expectation for all the wrong reasons.

I would just leave it and have a discrete catch up meal with the people you want once you are in your new role.

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 08:55

I think that if you’re a senior leader in the company you can’t play petty politics, it is incredibly toxic what you’re suggesting.

you either have one and invite everyone, or don’t have one and invite no one.

this cherry picking is school girl toxic bullying and unpleasant.

MumblesParty · 15/06/2023 08:55

I don’t think you can have it both ways OP. Either you hate the environment and want to get out - in which case, why have a big leaving do at all? Or you want a big celebration, in which case you invite everyone.

You can’t have a special do for the people you like. Not if you’re going to run into some of these people again. You’ll always be remembered as the one who had 2 leaving do’s - one for the people she liked and one for the people she didn’t!

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 08:40

Quveas · 15/06/2023 08:33

Same here. I will be retiring soon, and there's usually a "do" where everyone comes along and the Director speaks. I have made it clear that the only person who won't be there will be me. I despise most of them (for good reason) so I will be having a meal with my line manager and immediate colleagues (who all also despise the rest of them!).

That's a completely different scenario though.
OP is staying in the same company, moving into a senior leadership role and will still need to interact with these people on a professional level.

Quveas · 15/06/2023 08:33

Same here. I will be retiring soon, and there's usually a "do" where everyone comes along and the Director speaks. I have made it clear that the only person who won't be there will be me. I despise most of them (for good reason) so I will be having a meal with my line manager and immediate colleagues (who all also despise the rest of them!).

WonderDays · 15/06/2023 08:22

I’d also mix things up and bring in cakes or snacks and maybe some Nosecco for everyone and don’t do anything else.

Doggymummar · 15/06/2023 08:13

Hi everyone, BBQ at mine on Saturday 6thjuly 2pm till 6pm all welcome. Send deposit to my account on payday if you are coming £10 per person. Be great to see you.