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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cheating, cheated or innocent?

34 replies

Hrcg87 · 14/06/2023 16:59

DC was playing on DH's ipad and opened his messages when he handed it back to me to put youtube back on.

There was a message of a girl (OW) he used to work with that read:

OW "Hiya, it XXX. I know you have blocked me on everything and forgot i had your number saved but i just want to know why you have blocked me again? If its something i have done please let me know"

OW Another msg "block my number by all means just trying to understand"

DH reply "you know why i cant handle you my head falls off"

OW "ive been having a really hard time and needed someone to talk too. At least tell me whats going on instead of blocking me. That really hurts"

DH: "i know but if i tell u what i think i al worried you will disappear, i know it doesnt make sense. Im still here if u want to chat"

OW "i wont, id rather you tell me whats going on, it upsets me when u block me"

DH " fair enough, i messed up and am sorry. Promise it wont happen again. U still my friend?"

OW "of course"

All other messages of her have been deleted.

Just seems a rather odd convo, considering she was just a temp at his work and left a few months ago.

OP posts:
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Debini · 26/06/2023 22:18

If it is as innocent as he says and no more than a friendship why does he feel the need to delete messages from her?

blackbeardsballsack · 26/06/2023 22:07

Sorry, OP, but his narrative is not true. His messages to her are clearly, clearly about him having feelings for her.

EllaRaines · 26/06/2023 21:25

It sounds like they've been chummy and perhaps confided in each other about their lives which they both appear to have dissatisfaction with.

Hard to say if it's been a sexual attraction/flirtation or just crossing the line with sharing private details.

It's the deleting and secrecy that is worrying.

SeamsLegit · 26/06/2023 21:05

Oh dear. Doesn't ring true to me, but, I'm not in your life. I hope it works out for you

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 26/06/2023 20:58

Holiday was needed, and great.

So i have discussed the texts with DH, said i had received an anonymous message saying i needed to ask him about this woman.

When i mentioned her name he was like i know 5-6 women with that name, but am nit more than work friends with any of them. He got a bit upset that i thought he was up to something.

I then showed him the messages on the iPad and asked him to explain, his response was: she blows his mind - always blowing hot and cold whether she wants to be friends or not. Shes always in some drama, and he was sick of trying to help her when she never follows advice.

(Background abusive relationship - her partner worked at same company and was sacked for smoking weed in works carpark and was openly verbally abusive to her in office. My partner stepped in and told him where to go, he is like that and cant stand bullies, he also has a very sympathetic ear. His dad took his own life and he always try's to 'save' people).

The worried you will disappear - apparently she is pregnant to said abusive partner and he wanted to tell her he thought she was making a mistake and worried she might be suicidal as she has claimed/been in the past, so he didn't want to upset her further.

He has shown me a similar message to the original text on instagram and facebook, all trying to contact him for help/to talk as she is having issues.

He was heartbroken and terrified i didn't believe him and that i would leave him, he kept promising he would never do anything to hurt or risk our family.

Im now not 100% convinced he hasn't over stepped a mark being emotionally involved with her, however i do remember all the talk about her dramas, shes only 19, so may be immature/infatuated with older, kind man that is a bit of a softy and does always try his best to make everyone happy.

When i spoke to my best friend, she was adamant he would never do anything, said its clear he worships the ground i walk on etc etc and shes not one to mince her words when needed.

I just don't know?!

OP posts:
AelinAshriver · 21/06/2023 16:53

Hi OP, how is your trip with your friend going?

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 17/06/2023 14:18

She hasn't read or replied to his message last night, keep checking his account, but wondering of its gone in the message request folder so she wont have automatically saw it as they aren't friends on facebook.

Checked the Ipad, no texts other than those previously mentioned but now the number is no longer saved as a contact so looks like he os definitely covering his tracks (or trying to at the very least)

Just want her to respond with something thats definitive/ at least alludes to what exactly has been going on between them!

Sorry driving myself crazy!

OP posts:
SillyBilly1993 · 17/06/2023 10:32

I’m sorry OP, what a horrible situation. From the messages, if it’s not a physical affair then at the very least it’s an emotional affair - otherwise why hide the messages?

I personally wouldn’t be able to go on holiday with this not resolved, I would spend the whole time worrying about what he’s doing.

It’s a bit dramatic, but have you thought about messaging OW to ask her to meet you for a coffee? She may be more honest with you than he would be. She might tell him about your message, in which case I would tell him that you are a bit lonely and remembered him talking about this kind work colleague a few months ago so thought it would be nice to make a new friend. Let him stew on whether you are telling the truth!

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 09:20

From what you have said about him so far, he seems quite good at hiding things, I suspect it would be unlikely for him to involve children who could let it slip to you?

My advice would be, if you do confront him. Don't go in with the messages straight away as he will try and explain them away. Go in with an open question

  • tell me what is going on with X?
He will say 'nothing' and you say -I know that's not true and I have evidence, this is your chance to tell me the truth. He won't know what the evidence is, so is more likely to be honest. If he isn't, then you can show him the screenshots

Sending you a big old hug.

YoSof · 17/06/2023 09:10

I’m sorry to hear he has form for this. I don’t see how you can trust him.

None of this is your fault, get that out of your head right now - this is all on him.

Please go on holiday, take the time to talk things through with your friend. The iPad will tell you everything you need to know when you get back. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, he sounds like a scumbag and you deserve better x

LaMaG · 17/06/2023 09:03

I on the other hand have let myself go over the 10 years we have been together, put on a lot of weight, stopped dying my hair, lower sex drive etc.

no no no OP, pls don't think like this!! You have started to question yourself. He is your partner, you are mother of his child, of course things have changed between you. Show me any mother who hasnt put on a few lbs and seen a drop off in sex drive. Please wait til you know the truth and even if it is your worst fears it is not because of you, its him.

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 17/06/2023 09:03

I have taken pictures.

My biggest worry is I'm going on a long planned and much needed break out of the country for 4 days next week with my best friend so he would have plenty of opportunity then to do whatever he wants but will have our DC with no alternative childcare. If he took DC with him or DC was at home and they did something i think i would actually kill him and involving him would be worse than cheating imo.

Theres been one occasion right at the beginning of our relationship where he got a bit flirty with a girl from work, calling her beautiful, but assured me it was nothing untoward now im doubting that.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 08:59

I am so sorry OP. This must all feel really horrible and confusing.

I wonder if waiting to see what her reply is might be useful and then having a big old chat with him?

I have been through this myself. I had an inkling/gut feeling something was going on with exDH and his work colleague. Every time I brought it up he was so lovely and listened and reassured. I eventually broke and had a big old snoop and found nothing! Reassured myself that he hardly ever leaves house without me. But one day felt weird again so had an off chance check on facebook and one of his work colleagues (who knew me) had messaged him to say exDH should tell me as it was about to come out.

As soon as I saw that I confronted exDH and found out they used to sleep together at work on a break or on work nights out. In the end, a lot more came out about other women too. He was just so sneaky! He deleted every message as soon as they came in, had a secret phone etc etc. I was flabbergasted as he was such a lovely unassuming guy!

Anyway, just cos that happened to me, does not mean it is happening to you. But these are not normal messages between colleagues and you need to really trust your gut. Who on earth is he contacting in secret mode if not her?

Also remember, when someone cheats, it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on them. Think about some of the most beautiful women in the world, they still get cheated on.

YoSof · 17/06/2023 08:51

Have you taken photos of the messages on the iPad? If not then do, using your phone and not the screenshot option as they may link to his phone.

I think something has happened - not necessarily physical but those are more than friendly texts, and the fact that he used hidden messages speaks volumes too. Keep an eye on the iPad for the next few days and then confront him when you’re ready. He owes you an explanation.

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 17/06/2023 08:45

Update:

  1. He has messaged her last night whilst put saying "i hope i havent upset you x"

He was out with my dad in another city, so not worried they have been together. He isnt friends on Facebook with her but has looked her up and used facebook messenger to do this. Message sent 1:30am, so not a normal time to send someone a message , she is yet to read or reply.....

i downloaded all the Meta data from Facebook, and there was no history between them this can happen for 3 reasons according to google:

  1. They used the secret messages function
  2. Both have deleted the conversation
  3. It wasn't how they communicated - and above message is the first one on there.

Meta did show he had received messages in secret messages mode. So i am thinking that they may have used that function - in which case they cant be retrieved! As thinking back they were messaging at the time she worked with him, as she was having 'issues with her family'. I thought nothing of it as he is a really friendly guy, has 99% of offices personal numbers, office lads come round for football, or advice as he is a good listener and has experience some pretty bad things in life so he can relate to people.

I also spent the night snooping on Facebook and see he has been on 2 work nights out with her last year in which they were both tagged in pictures, (nothing incriminating, in fact they are not in any photos together). These are the only 2 work nights out where he got a taxi home (if i remember rightly ) as i usually pick him up as a taxi home is quite expensive as around 15 miles.

Shes about 15 years younger than me, 10 years younger than him and not dissimilar looking to how i looked when we first got together, so is his type. I on the other hand have let myself go over the 10 years we have been together, put on a lot of weight, stopped dying my hair, lower sex drive etc.

He has talked to me about how our sex drive misalignment makes him feel unwanted and rejected, i do try, but we have a mummys boy who constanly touches me and by the time comes im touched out, and knackered!

He is great at home, we've only been married for a few months, his idea to plan it in a short amount of time as he wanted me to be his wife.

Dont know what to do now, sorry for rambling on!

OP posts:
YoSof · 16/06/2023 19:09

I would absolutely download them all.

Something isn’t right and you need to know one way or the other.

AelinAshriver · 16/06/2023 18:38

I can access these by doing a Meta download on his facebook..... would you do it?

Yes I would.

But only if DH wouldn't find out. I would want to investigate/gather evidence before he knew I knew. So that I couldn't be gaslit or he have a chance to make up excuses.

Sunnyfeelgood · 16/06/2023 18:37

Yes, personally I would have to know. The thing is, it is rare doe people to delete whole message threads if there is nothing incriminating in there. I have someone blocked on social media, but the messages are all still viewable as it makes no difference to me who reads them.. I might delete if I was so emotionally distraught that I couldn't bear to have a reminder, but why would he be that emotionally invested?

The losing head comment makes me think they did something once and then he regretted it and blocked her, but is still tempted, but ultimately doesn't want to blow family up.

Any which way you look at this, it does not look good. I am so sorry. Brace yourself for what you find Flowers

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 16/06/2023 18:30

Update/further advice:

I have now checked his phone/facebook etc all messages are deleted between them.

I can access these by doing a Meta download on his facebook..... would you do it?

I havent asked him about the messages, theres too much he could explain it as other than the truth which is what i want.

Thoughts please ?!

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 14/06/2023 20:25

I think there's been something but I agree I don't think it's a full blown affair.

He's blocked her. That tells you whatever it was he's done with it.

I would ask him outright based on what you saw and see his reaction.

Original poster
Hrcg87 · 14/06/2023 18:53

Thanks all, i think deep down i know theres something more to it than meets the eye.

I am pretty confident its not been full blown, he picks our DC up straight from work and rarely goes out.

I am going to monitor it and then speak to him when i have something more concrete rather than a strange exchange he can weasel out of.

OP posts:
Jennna · 14/06/2023 18:52

you know why i cant handle you my head falls off

Yeah he could totally fuck off for this alone

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 18:30

He fancies her at the very least and is keeping away so he doesn't cheat - maybe so he doesn't cheat again.

I don't see how that exchange can be completely innocent.

cartagenagina · 14/06/2023 18:18

I think it looks really very suspicious, sorry.

Cocoalover · 14/06/2023 18:04

I'd monitor their conversations for a little while to see the nature of their relationship. It seems like something has happened, but it could be innocent to a degree. I met a friend whom I have become very close with. It was and is purely platonic, but I kept it from my partner because I was silly not to tell him from the start and time had gone on, and I was afraid of what he would think because I'd kept it quiet so long. Anyway, it is possible that they are just friends, maybe your dh felt bad for keeping it a secret and so he blocked her. Hopefully it's innocent

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